Happily Ever...Never?!

[iWife]

Hi. I'm married to someone with ADHD who isn't able to see the stress it's causing and as a result not pursuing effective treatment. We don't have children. I'd like to connect with the spouse of someone with ADHD that also doesn't have children to get advice on how you're coping and what's helping you keep hope alive. I'm trying to make a hard decision about staying together or going our separate ways. Frankly, I don't think it'd be a good idea to bring children into our situation. It's hard seeing a healthy future when all forecasts indicate that nothing will change. If you can relate, please contact me. Thank you!

[Gem1n1]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this!

I’m a female diagnosed and treated at 32, my world changed completely, and I could finally see how undiagnosed/untreated ADHD was impacting me (and those around me). I wasn’t married to my ex, we didn’t have children, we did talk about marriage for our future, I was all-in, and I almost moved across the state for him.

Then I saw how his untreated ADHD was impacting the relationship negatively. I tried talking to him about it, but I wasn’t reaching him. He was fine with everything, but I wasn’t. I found myself having to “fit” into his world, giving up on my idea of what happiness looked like for me, and when I decided I wasn’t going to do that anymore, I made the difficult choice to end the relationship. We continued to talk, but it wasn’t the same, and I’ve slowly removed myself. This was about 5 months ago, and I’m glad I made that choice for myself.

I’d recommend looking into what happiness looks like for you, him, and if there is some way that both of you can live together in harmony without giving up on what happiness looks like for either of you. Life is too short!!!!!!

Couples counseling in addition to individual counseling also has helped me with past relationships. It’s good to have the third-party perspective that has no skin in the game. I’m sure many are doing online/Telehealth appointments too. Sometimes one appointment is all you need!

Good luck on your journey!!! Sending love and support!!!!

[AnonymousBob]

I am your husband and you are my wife. After 20 years of marriage and disappointing her, we are also going our ways because she feels exactly as you do. It's taken me too long to confront the damage I've done to her and the relationship by not seeking effective help soon enough. You've got to have a serious sit-down, tell him why and how you're feeling and why you are the one bearing the brunt of his behavior and lack of awareness to your feelings. Let him know the consequences of business as usual. Hopefully for you both, if he can be made to understand that your feelings and security are supposed to be more important than whatever short-term satisfaction he feels from living his life as usual, than there might be hope. I wish you the best but his world needs to be shaken.

[Nick1913]

Greetings iWife

Let me first said I am sorry you are going through rough times.

You mentioned children in your current relationship and not wanting to bring any into your rocky relationship.... I agree hole heartedly, because children will put more stress on your relationship and will be the ones suffering the most from an unhappy marriage...

What are your goals in this marriage? What are your husband’s? Are they the same or different, how are they different?

These are some of the questions you both need to find the answers to. Yes marriage councilors would be a big help. But so is open communication from both of you... being honest can hurt... lies hurt more. Don’t be hurtful when you speak with each other. It will only tear you apart... time, patience, understanding and good communication.... be with you.

Good Luck

[Aladycalledjess]

I am sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time. While I am the adhd partner in my relationship, I know that it is quite difficult to be either partner in a relationship that is impacted by both treated and un-treated adhd.

To offer some insight- you partner is probably aware of the stress and strain that there is but some of the symptoms of adhd make the default reactions, to the shame and sense of failure that comes along with being the “problem partner”, ones of denial and anger or withdrawal.

My partner and I are currently taking Melissa Orlov’s couples seminar: The ADHD Effect and are finding it quite helpful and can both see ourself in the classic adhd and neuronormative partner roles. You may find some good advice on her website as well as her book.

adhdmarriage.com/

Good luck with everything. I hope you find the answers that you are looking for and the strength to work towards a happy and healthy future for the both of you, whatever that looks like.

[Vullers]

Hi, First I would like to say I am sorry you are going through rough times! I definitely understand completely. I would be honest with you unless you husband acknowledges that he has ADHD and pursue a specific treatment, things will get worse. It took me 6 year until my husband has fully accepted that his ADHD has a huge effects into our marrige. We are currently working on finding a treatment for him and tools for me to handle this better. If you want to chat more, please dm me :-).