Loving Relationship

[marryme2021]

I am 65 years old windowed and have being dating a woman with ADHD. I have falling in love with her. I have been doing alot of research regarding relationships with woman with ADHD. I have told her how I feel about her on several occasions. She is divorced from a abusive relationship for over 10 years. She has 3 children ages 22,28,and 35. I loving doing surprising things to make her happy. She seems to have a problem with initiating conversation how she fells about me. I have told her I love you and her immediate response is "She loves me too." We have been dating for six months now. I don't want to lose her being in my life but looking for some suggestions. She is a beautiful woman inside and out and I want to bring this relationship to the next level.

[IgnoranceWasNotBliss]

Hi there! What a nice story. It’s so great you two have found each other. It’s really important for our partners to learn about ADHD so that they can try to understand how do things and why we may do some things different. I don’t know your beautiful lady so I can’t speak directly about her, because we can all be very different, but talking about our feelings is extremely difficult for us. We have to learn this skill, and even then it can still be very hard. We usually feel things extremely deeply which can make our feelings overwhelming and difficult to explain. Since we usually have trouble organizing our thoughts she may be afraid to try and talk, that she will say the wrong thing. Especially if she was in an abusive relationship. With it without ADHD, abusive relationships can do a lot of damage. She likely just needs your patience and to learn that she can trust you with her feelings.

I learned how to have emotional conversations with partners through text. Hand written letters would be the same idea. It gives us time to process some of our feelings and the opportunity to write what we feel, erase it, edit it, move it around, organize it etc etc. Maybe it would be romantic! Somehow the writing helps me be able to say some things. I’m 40 years old and still go to a different room and text my husband when we are in an argument. Also, even if she doesn’t initiate much conversation with you, we do love complements and when someone tells us they love us So just keep being sweet to her and be very gentle with her feelings and maybe she will open up more soon. Or much later. The one thing we don’t like is pressure and people pointing out our flaws. And unfortunately we tend to have a few of them. But who doesn’t!

Good luck to you two. I wish you well.

[marryme2021 in reply to IgnoranceWasNotBliss]

Thank you very much.

[cloudedmindxx]

Hello! In addition to adhd, it sounds like your partner could be suffering from other deeply routed emotional and mental struggles from the previous abusive relationship... My heart breaks for you both because I too know how it feels to love someone who is in the process of healing, accepting, and moving on from severe trauma. You wish there was a way to break down their wall and help them understand how loved they are; how special they are; how meaningful they are; how the past is the past and that you are the present and future. Unfortunately there is no easy way to do this. The reality of it is, there is nothing you can do or say to make their process of healing and quicker, but I have found some things that seem to help in the accompanying of their healing.

That being said, there are a few things I’ve found through my experience that I would like to emphasize in hopes you find useful. Firstly, I would like to point out that you are doing a fantastic job already with your actions and expressions to your partner. Believe me, they don’t go unnoticed by her at all. However, since you are coming to this community forum, I am sensing that you may be starting to feel a little discouraged with how things are/aren’t progressing. Whether that’s the case or not, I am going to structure my advice around how you could perceive and interpret your own thoughts on the situation and what you should/shouldn’t do. Remember though, not one person’s experience, perception, or reaction is alike, so you may need to apply these suggestions into your own interpretation with regards to what’s best for you and your partner.

- Never take anything too personally. If she struggles to initiate conversation or feelings, please know that this has nothing to do with anything you have done or said; it has everything to do with her past experiences. You are not at fault.

Don’t: feel guilty, get angry, or give up on her.

Do: continue to be there for her in any way, no matter what, whether it be to listen, to give advice, or even to just sit with her in silence. Without being overbearing, you could from time to time randomly check in with her while she’s at work, home, etc., send her cute little text messages. My personal favorite to do/receive is leaving handwritten notes on their mirror with dry erase marker. Idk why, it’s such a small gesture but means so much.

-If she didn’t want you there, she would make it known. Avoid ever making assumptions. Yes, if someone who has no trauma or mental disorders is failing to initiate conversation, that could mean they aren’t interested. However, someone in your partner’s situation may be unable to initiate conversation or to convey their feelings to you because they may consciously or subconsciously have a sense of fear associated with those actions that could potentially elicit painful memories of past instances where they did initiate conversation and convey feelings but did not receive a positive response. Even if you give a positive response, it will not make their fear go away. It takes time.

Don’t: get angry, discouraged, or assume she doesn’t feel the same way about you.

Do: continue to provide positive reassurance through words, actions, gestures. Her ability to express herself without fearing the worst needs restored. If you are familiar with psychology, essentially, she was conditioned to be fearful of her last partner. Likewise, she needs reconditioned to associate love and happiness with initiating conversation and conveying her feelings.

-Her healing will take time, and can become emotionally draining for you. It’s easy to sit here and tell you to not get angry or discouraged, but the reality is, you are going to become angry and discouraged. Make sure you are taking care of yourself while helping your partner heal.

Don’t: feel like your emotions and mental health don’t matter just because someone else may be worse off than you. I can advocate for this one big time. I would feel foolish and selfish for being sad or upset. I suppressed my feelings and passed them off as insignificant. “How can I be upset when other people have it so much worse?” This kind of thinking is dangerously toxic. Try your best to identify these thoughts if you may have them and shut them down immediately.

Do: Find an outlet to healthily express your thoughts and feelings. This can literally be anything and is different for everyone, but some common ones are talking to a person you trust, listening to/playing music, writing, reading, drawing, paining, exercising.

OVERALL: think about what makes you feel happy and loved, and do that for your partner. Be sure to provide her with consistent positive reassurance. Make sure you are exposing her to what love can be. What love is supposed to be. What love should have always been for her.

OTHER USEFUL TOOLS: personality tests/quizzes can reveal A LOT about how a person may want to be treated. You may want to further research all of the different kinds, because there are tons. Once you find some that you think may be helpful, plan a nice relaxing date night at her home. Offer to make or pick up dinner and then enjoy learning more about each other on deeper levels by taking the tests and sharing the results. A good one to start your research with might be The 5 Love Languages.

I am so sorry about how long this reply is, but I genuinely hope this helps you and your partner’s relationship excel forward and enables the healing effects of true love and companionship. I wish you and your girlfriend the absolute best.

[marryme2021 in reply to cloudedmindxx]

Dear cloudedmindxx,

First of all I want to thank you for the kind words and incite. I was married to my sweetheart from high school for 44 years. She suffered from Ovarian Cancer from 2015 to August of 2019. She was the love of my life and I was her caretaker for the last year plus years of her life. She was a fighter and did give up. The last 3 months were just awful. After about a 6 months after she passed away I just could be alone anymore so I decided to start dating( believe it or not I asked my 3 adult person first) So I love to bike ride so one day in May this year I decide to go for a bike ride a local park beach and I was on the bike trail and came across a lady who was having a problem with the chain on her bike. So I stop in asked if I could help. She said that would be great. So after I finished I asked her if she would like to bike together on the rest of the trail. She said sure. So when we finished I asked her if she would like to get an Ice Cream. She said yes again. I couldn't believe it. This is how I met Diane(Partner). So I asked her if sometime we could met for coffee. A couple of weeks went by when I got the courage to call her. So when I call to make our first date to meet she told me that she was having a problem with her bike rack on the back of her SUV and she call the manufacture to get this special bolt to secure the bike rack to her SUV was going to cost $80. So I told her I would do some research for her. At the end of our conversation we made plans for our first date at a local brewery on the riverfront where she lives. So I did my research and found the special bolt at a local auto parts store for $3. So we met for our first date and when we got out of I vehicles I asked her if I could look at her bike rack in her trunk. I pulled the bike out, slip it track on the hitch, pulled the bolt and wrench out of pocket and secured the bike rack in place. She stood there watching what just happened. The smile on her face was just something I will cherish. She then said to me you are awesome. I knew at the point there was something about her that made me feel very excited. We continue to enjoy each other company. I have told her recently that I will always be hear for her and protect her. I am a very patient guy, maybe a little to emotional. I told her I want to be a part of her life and I want her to be happy and share with her all our hopes and dreams together as one. Even though I no maybe she want to fine love again I am will to wait as long as it will take. I have been just doing some simple things to express my love for her like buy her flowers once and a while. I took a class on foot massage reflexology. It is very interesting. So when I have a chance I try this on her. She can't believe how this helps her with her ADHD. Again thank again for all your help. I'm not sure if this is appropriate but if you would like to talk on the phone sometime I would enjoy that.

TYS