I have a very loving, caring, and special marriage to my non-ADHD wife. That said, we have ups and downs from time to time like anyone else. One of the "downs" comes from the ability that us ADHD people have to make our partner feel like they are an afterthought.
I have been blessed with a passion for art, music and technology. However, for most of my childhood and adult life this "blessing" has been a horribly painful mountain of burden. The never-ending chatter of thoughts, ideas, melodies, etc. would be maddening and result in failed attempts to execute; time after time and year after year.
A few years ago I started treating my ADHD. Now, with the ability to execute; all those interests have transformed into pipes that allow me to find endless ways to empty/alleviate that "chatter" that used to torment me.
I am so much happier and learned how to function day to day in ways I never thought possible. This has had allowed me to focus on my wife better in the moments when I have cleared out the chatter. However, treatment has not changed how much time goes into managing all the noise. It has just made it not hurt me like it used to. I am not "available" any more often, just more "present" when I am.
So, one of the catches is that now all the time I spend emptying my brain comes off as enjoyable (and many times I am having fun). Regardless, it is still being done out of necessity. I find that actually can have a negative affect on your partner because now you aren't simply "not present" because you are lost in your brain chatter; you are "not present" because you seem to spend much of your time with things you love more than them.
I know that not all of us ADHD people have the same interests and available outlets for our chatter. For those of you that have an ADHD spouse that sounds a bit like me; when they find outlets like I have, try to not mistake the time, energy, and joy they put into popping their daily brain blister as a something to compete with.
Even on days/weeks when I seem to spend 90% of my waking hours focused on other things, I am ALWAYS 100% in love with my wife.
I share this for NON-ADHD spouses to maybe better understand why we spend so much time "elsewhere". However, I want to stress to my fellow ADHD people, when you are lucky enough to have a partner who reads things like this and it helps them understand you better; we have to remember that their "understanding" does not equal fulfillment. We need to continually look for better ways provide more time and communication with people we love.
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Thank you for reading! Good old Methylphenidate. I tried the slow release for several months but my body did not seem to metabolize that well. So, been taking the as needed kind now for almost a year.
I suffered from depression from my teens all the way up to my early 30's. I attribute much of it to my lack of understanding/treating ADHD and all of the mistakes that I made with life, relationships, career, etc because of that lack of understanding. I did not know how to fit in the world with everyone else and it hurt so bad.
Treatment is part of the reason I was able to break from daily depression. The other component is my relationship with my wife. We decided very early in our relationship to be open and communicate about each of our mental health struggles (she has her own non-ADHD struggles). Both of us do everything we can to "work with" rather than "tolerate" the other's differences and struggles. In return for her willingness to understand and work with / around the way my brain works; I try to always look for ways to address what she needs from me (if and when possible).
It is so very painful when you are in a relationship in which you know that your partner wants you to change part of you that you have no control over. Every relationship prior to my wife, I spent in daily turmoil over knowing that my partner wants me to be a different person (and if they don't yet, they will soon enough). My wife treats me like a normal human who just has a brain that works different than others. This has freed me up to focus less on fitting into the same box as everyone else and instead I am learning to make my "custom box" work with the rest of the world.
The key for you to remember is that this is "who he is" and not try to make him into something that he isn't. In return, he needs to take that glorious gift and use that free space in his mind to learn how he can "be himself" AND give you what you need.
Obviously, this is only my own experience, but the last 5 years of my life (with my wife) have made the life I had before seem unfathomable. Hopefully, this helps!
Thank you, your kind patience response. It is touching.
I'm delighted because it gives me hope, you are clear with your wife. You can discuss depression.
It's going on over 5 years. Almost 3 under doctors care and he will not discuss it with me or any family member. He randomly takes his medication. He says he's fine without it.
I'm trying to slow our lives (the 5 kids and mine) so he can catch up. Be part of the amazing everyday boring stuff like studying for an exam or training for a match which cements a friendship so you understand what the win or loss,the pass or fail means. It must be lonely for him, living in our busy home and being alone.
We just never know if he's truly present when we are talking. We never know any evening is he coming home happy, frustrated, ecstatic or somewhere in between. He could book a holiday on a whim, even if the rest of us are looking forward to seeing your family member participate in a final, or kids taking a state exam. We refused the last 3. He's left our children at games and forgets or refuses to collect them. It's bizarre.
The strangest part is to absolutely everyone. I mean everyone unless they know about depression, say, believe, praise, honour him as an excellent Husband Father. My own family do but I just wish they understood what it cost our children and I.
I am greatful you posted. It is my light. Again, I truly wish you and your loved ones all the best.
If I told you. You wouldn’t believe the truth but you essentially saved my life today.
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How do you stay productive and diciplined when dealing with ADHD?
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How the non-AD/HD spouse feels
