Marriage Struggles...

I have struggled with being ADHD Combined, my entire life. I have been on and off medication, mainly off because I like myself as I am. As I've become older, now 46, my struggles have also increased and the consequences have spiraled out of control. For a year now I have following my treatment more often than not and have improved a vast amount with my personal life. I have caught up with a decade of neglected tax filings, I have relaunched my Construction Management business and have started to have dreams and goals once again. My husband can make me feel depleted, always throws my mental in balance in my face. "Anytime I try to address issues that are bothering me, he shuts me down and asks if I've taken my meds. Improving my life has helped me recover my self esteem, my confidence and my passion for life. I had stopped working in 2013 because I struggled with my ADHD so much. That turned into a tunnel of darkness until mid 2016. Since on treatment I have seen light in my tunnel and that is how slowly but surely I've regained some of myself back. The problem is that this has also made me realize how my husband treats me. How he throws all faults on me. How he's never interested in communicating effectively. I struggle with wanting out of this marriage. Today is my 23rd year Anniversary and he hasn't even had the kindness in his heart to tell me Happy Anniversary. To make this 23year anniversary memorable I started an affair today. Yes, I did, and it wasn't out of impulse because I've worked with this man for the last 7months. Our meeting up today Was planned a couple of weeks in advance. This is why I'm not feeling squashed by my husbands neglected behavior. Normally I would feel wilted, broken, meaningless and perhaps even wanting to be dead. In the contrary, today I feel sexy, intelligent and feel validated that I'm not all damaged goods. I was hesitant in sharing this because I don't want to be insulted and thought of a lesser person but I'm being transparent because I want to know and open the discussion of ADHD marriage struggles. THANK YOU

7 Replies

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  • hello. I don't really have a comment about your new adventure but because of the lack of support on this site, I wanted you to know there is a real person behind some of the post here. Hope your day goes well. donita

  • Thank you so much

  • While I'd agree your husband is a jerk; I've got serious doubts your affair will be anything other than a future train wreck.

    I've known many who've had them, justified them, were initially excited and energized by them; but, never did they they turn out well. And more often than not turned into a virtual repeat of the former relationship.

    Marriage is work. My ADHD hasn't made things easy. My wife read "Helping Your Husband with ADHD". It helped her better understand what makes me tic; but, also rekindled some anger as she recalled past experiences that she could now see were ADHD related. On balance, good that she read it. We'll celebrate 35 years this month.

    On the positive side, ADHD gives us talents others only dream of. Don't be afraid to use them!

  • Thank you. I agree.

  • I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. It sounds like your husband may be reinforcing your own negative self talk, that can come from years of untreated adhd. Only you can decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for or not. It sounds like you've already decided to throw in the towel.

    Either way, I would encourage you to get some therapy. Being with someone who invalidates you is not something that is easy to get over. It also can create negative coping mechanisms that need to be deprogrammed. Whatever choices you decide to make, know that no one can judge you without having lived your life. Hope things get better for you.

  • I think that it's important to remember that nothing happens in a vacuum and while the ADHD may very well be a factor greatly effecting your marriage it is equally possible that your marriage would have suffered these problems even if you didn't have ADHD. Or more simply, yes, you may have ADHD and do things that irritate him but he also acts like a jerk.

    No, having an affair will likely end your marriage. It was a catalyst in ending mine. Like you, though, it was less the "affair" and more what I got out of it that gave me the strength to leave a crappy situation. My husband had been lying to me for years, I finally had an affair because I was miserable, starved for affection and couldn't see why I was the only person remaining truthful in our relationship.

    I've been where you are. It will likely get worse before it gets better. But at least you're moving in some direction. Good luck.

  • I think your right. Lots of people will tell you why it was wrong but you need positive at the moment... You live your life for you.. Congratulations on finding yourself again. Now go be happy and don't forget that you are the only one you have to live with..

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