Is anyone in an abusive marriage and know that your marriage expired a long time ago?

[Sunshine1992]

Since July I was put on medication called Adderal for ADHD and honestly it has been helping me focus because I've always had major inattentiveness, lack of focus and anxiety in school. I have always felt very weak and the thought of leaving my marriage terrifies me because I'm so scared of going through the grief and loss. I know this sounds totally crazy but this is where I'm at mentally and it's where I've been for many years. I've been with him for 8 years and we finally got married over a year ago. Honestly I knew I shouldn't have married him but I just couldn't detach myself from him. He has been very abusive towards me emotionally and tires to isolate me from my friends and family all the time, he's extremely controlling and possessive, he has threatened to leave me and divorce me when we get into fights and etc. After fights he gives me the silent treatment for weeks. I've tried to reach out many times but that doesn't work, blames me for stuff I never say and etc. Obviously he also has major issues. Is anyone else struggling in this way? My life has been very traumatizing and this relationship has also been traumatizing and it seems like I constantly get trapped in trauma zone all throughout my life. I don't want to live like this anymore but how do I get out of this? Is there anything else going on with me mentally that I'm not aware of because I'd like to know. I don't know what to do anymore, all of my friends (who are my saving grace) say I should have left him a long time ago and I do have their support to leave already but why does this make me feel so scared?

[IgnoranceWasNotBliss]

Hi! I’m 40 and was just diagnosed with adhd 2 months ago. Adderall really does help you see things more clearly. I’ve been in relationships the way you just described it, pretty much every one, and also a few even worse. Every time, I feel exactly like that. Like I can’t leave. I need them for my mental health because I don’t know what I would do without them. I feel like codependent women (like us) who have adhd really hyperfocus on our partner. Constantly trying to please them and fulfill their needs. Some how, some way, though I’ve always thought my life was over if I left someone, I was always the one to leave. For me, the key was to allow myself to daydream about finding someone new, check out good looking men, imagine a new relationship, the fun, the excitement etc etc. The things you’re not supposed to do when you’re in a relationship. Hahaha. Starting to do that would intrigue me and make me curious. It helped to break my hyperfocus. Us with adhd actually like change. Maybe just lean into it. The medication will help you know what to do. I don’t know if my method is healthy. Probably not. But it got me out of some really bad relationships!

I should also add, the happiest I’ve been in my life was when I was single in the 30’s. I slowed down with work, cut all toxic people out, stopped worrying about men and did a lot of yoga and praying. Meditation/praying/mindful exercises are really good for us.

I hope it helps to know you’re not alone. Also, after my break from men, I found a much better one. We got married and have a baby. He’s not perfect but he’s definitely not abusive.

Also, don’t worry about divorce. Who cares! Do what’s best for you. I got a divorce in my 20’s. Best decisions of my life.

[Sunshine1992 in reply to IgnoranceWasNotBliss]

Thank you so much for your reply IgnoranceWasNotBliss. I really appreciate your encouragement and advice. I have my friends right now supporting me all the way just waiting for me to make this decision and leave him even with me being in nursing school and not working they said they would help me for as long as I need them too. So basically I have no excuses to stay anymore. I have one year left and it's been a roller coaster, it's so hard but it's my dream, it's what is helping me stay focused and not think about my relationship with my husband as much although it is affecting me a lot lately i must say. He's been giving me the silent treatment for over a week just because I asked for explanation for what he was talking about, he gets really upset if I don't understand what he's talking about sometimes, he's like a ticking time bomb. And then there are time's that he's super nice and loving which is what is messing with my mental state, I don't know how to disconnect from that side of him in times like what I'm going through right now. I mean I am super angry with him for continuously giving me the silent treatment and many other abusive ways he behaves but then after several weeks I'm just over it and I reach out passively to him just so we can start to communicate again because it's horrible to live with someone and not talk with them. We have been through this many times before and every time I've left the relationship before we got married over a year ago we always somehow got back together either he reached out or i did because I couldn't stand the pain. I'm just really scared that I'm going to do the same thing this time, I'm having a hard time trusting myself, even though I really want to leave and divorce him I'm terrified. He is not a good man and I know I need to leave ASAP because I'm suffering so much. I hope I can make this decision and leave. Thank you again for reaching out.

[WhirlyByrd]

There is something called Trauma Bonding. This is why it so difficult to leave even though you should. He uses the basics of Narcissist methods such as gaslighting. But then he probably does something loving and THAT is how he keeps you bonded. You get a shot of love hormones in your brain and they feel even more powerful because you get so little of it from him. Yes, you should leave him. Yes, it is scary. But you can be free and do as you please. If he’s physically abusive as well I would recommend a woman’s shelter. They don’t let men in ever, they help you get back on your own feet, they probably help guide you on proceeding through the divorce/annulment? If you have kids it seems messier but the shelter take them in along with you.

IgnoranceWasNotBliss mentioned imagining a new life. I think that’s a good first step to get your mind set. But I would imagine a life where you can be happy without a man. If later on, an actual kind, caring and loving man comes along and both of your personalities and lifestyles fit then amen! But spend your alone time after the divorce working on yourself so that a future husband isn't your handler but rather a best friend and partner through your life.

[Sunshine1992 in reply to WhirlyByrd]

Hi WhirlyByrd thank you so much for reaching out I really appreciate your advice. You are absolutely right this relationship is definitely based on trauma bonding, that is so messed up. I've been doing a lot of work on myself this past year especially and I must say I've grown and have distanced myself from him emotionally a lot but I feel like I need to do more work. I know I need to leave ASAP and I pray I make that decision already because I do have my friends that are ready for me to live with them and my husband does not know their address so just in case he would try to look for me he wouldn't be able to find me. Thanks again.

[WhirlyByrd in reply to Sunshine1992]

That is a great plan. Does he know where you work as well?

[Sunshine1992 in reply to WhirlyByrd]

No I'm not working right now because I'm in nursing school full time. I'm overwhelmed by how much studying I have to do every day. It's exhausting and having ADHD on top of it. So there is that burden that I'm struggling with when I do leave him my friends said they will help me financially but I feel so bad about that. I know they would do anything they can to help me out just so I can finally leave him finally.

[Portia_pine in reply to Sunshine1992]

I really empathize with you- it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially one that has lasted so long. It might help mentally to adjust expectations. Imagine what it will be like to leave vs. what it would be like to stay. If you know it will be difficult and emotionally painful, preparing yourself for those strong emotions will help you stand your ground. Also, if/when you do decide to leave, create a plan for what you will do when you feel drawn back into the relationship. It is so helpful that you have friends who are supportive and who can help you when you are tempted to go back to him. Maybe make a list of all the reasons why leaving is the best thing for YOU.

Also, I will say something that my brother told me when I was agonizing over leaving an abuser: you are not responsible for his feelings. An abuser will appeal to your compassion by saying he can't live without you, but you need to do what is best for you - you are not obligated to make an abuser feel better. I'm sure you have seen it all, but it's a good reminder.

You sound like a smart and intelligent woman (you're in nursing school, you must be incredibly smart and compassionate!). I wish you all the strength to do what you need to do for you on your own timeline, when you decide the time is right. Hang in there and please be safe. Also, don't be afraid to rely on your friends; real friends would rather see you happy and thriving than in pain.

[Sunshine1992 in reply to Portia_pine]

Thank you so much Portia_pine. Your advice is so good. The other day I journaled for an hour about my relationship with him. I have a hard time expressing my feelings but because of my wondering mind it's so much easier to write out my feelings. Sadly I realized that I'm attached to the perks of this relationship, which aren't that many but emotionally it's what's been keeping me attached to him. I'm afraid that there will be someone better for him. My mental state isn't great right now and I know I sound really nutty but I'm just at that place. I'm also super stressed out with my upcoming exams. A few months ago I was in such a better place emotionally, my worth and my value in myself was so much better and I felt the strength to walk out and leave him. I have to get back to that place again. I think I'm just spiraling because school is pretty stressful. Thank you so much for reaching out, I'm so glad I'm not alone here.

[Portia_pine in reply to Sunshine1992]

Sunshine 1992, you are not nutty. I think its normal and common to be conflicted and scared of leaving. I can empathize with the finals too, that stress from exams definitely exacerbates low self esteem and second-guessing yourself. But I don't know a single person who regrets leaving an abusive relationship.

[acrononymous]

Hi Sunshine!For me, it was scary to leave because I had no job at the time and no higher education. I also did not know where to go or who to call for help.

I was in a similar marriage for 32 years, except he didn't threaten to leave, he threatened me if I tried to leave him. He used our kids to keep me there. I was pretty well convinced that because I'd not worked in years that I would have nothing if I left and that he'd get the kids. Once the kids were on their own, I didn't have anything to fight for and battled depression and chest pains from being under constant stress to be and do what he wanted and never being able to accomplish that. The heart doc told me my heart was fine but the stress was going to kill me if I didn't change something in my life. So I found a lawyer and contacted a couple good friends and with their help, I got out. That was 5 years ago. The first few months were both scary and exciting. As I continue to get my feet under me, I'm finding that I am a totally different person than the one that was trapped. I'm full of life and love. My daughter-in-law tells me that she likes THIS version of me much better than the one that was in that marriage.

Life is tougher now, my income is a fraction of what it was, but I have never, even for one second, regretted finally getting out of that marriage. I've completed 2 degrees, managed to buy a little home of my own, have better relationships with my kids than I ever thought possible, and restored relationships with my family that had been damaged during my marriage.

[Shirleytaps]

I'm sorry you're having those problems. Marriage for anyone can be a challenge, and it sounds like yours is especially so. If you don't already have a psychologist who was helping you, I highly recommend that you find one. If you're certain your husband is abusive and is beyond repair then I'm not sure there's much else to do but divorce. However, if there is some willingness on your part and his part to go to a marriage therapist, that may provide you both with either a closer relationship or a mutual decision to part that you both arrived at with the help of a professional. If he is truly a narcissist, I'd suggest that you start writing down everything that he does to you. Because as it is with ADHD, you may forget some of the things that happen; and it will be important to understand and be able to articulate to both therapists. I have worked with my therapist to talk about what happens; and then have been better able to discuss further with the marriage therapist and my husband. Sometimes those of us with ADHD can have wrong-headed ideas about what is actually happening, how we process what is happening, our feelings, and our thoughts. Meditation has been a critical piece for me to learn to identify end let go of thoughts and feelings. Again I'm sorry you're having such difficulties and I hope that you find some peace.

[bagenae]

hi! i'm just here to give you a internet hug. i'm not going through what you're going through, but i can still let you know, that you absolutely need to get out. change is freaking scary, but the good thing is that, the sooner you grieve, the sooner you can stop grieving.

let your friends know, stay somewhere safe when you actually get out, and remember that there's ALWAYS at least ONE reason to wait, which is why you need to get out ASAP

i realize now, this post is several months old, please let me know if you're out and better, or if you still need support and motivation to do it, i'll gladly be your listening ear

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

[FindingTheAnswers]

Hi. The same thing can happen with a Female wife/partner. You said "I know this sounds totally crazy" No it doesn't sound crazy. Not at all. I understand.

I hope things are better for you.

Peace to you.

[Coonj]

Fear of the unknown and then fear of the known . I have been involved with a man 10 years younger for 15 years. He is abusive, true narcissist. I have believed everything he said, like never cheated, not acknowledged for adhd. Isolated,verbal a buse. Went to bed crying,got up still crying. One day found pics of other on his phone. He denied, I believed. One night I woke up to voices in the living room. Video sex with her and f finally found that ĥe sneaks her inside my home.

As thar lie got exposed, he denies, swears I'm crazy. I started recording the living room at night and his lunch box. Eye opener. I tell him that I hear him, he feels betrayed and I am hearing imaginary voices. Can not record imaginary voices. Says nothing going on but I'm treated like a servant.

I bought a camper and moved into it. I miss him so much, things are better but can't go back an be get sucked in.

I'm at my home tonight and can only think how much I want him and I cry.

Make a plan....