Recognising ADHD

[BlueYeti]

I believe my daughter, aged 13 years old, has ADHD. On reading the material, it is possible both my husband and I have it too!

I am really struggling to cope with the daily meltdowns and need some tools to help parent and support her. She is struggling socially at school and as the teachers say, "whenever there is trouble, she is always in the middle of it." Her favourite word is NO. She has little understanding of personal boundaries. She has very little ability to compromise on what she wants, which will push others to their limits, often resulting in bullying at school, with other kids lashing out at her or ignoring and ghosting her.

More than anything, she wants to be 'normal' to fit in with the other kids and has a paralysing fear of rejection. She has a stutter, which she is deeply ashamed of (why did god make me like this mummy), whenever she is stressed, excited or feeling intense emotions, she stutters. She talks so fast that the words get mixed up, she says she is afraid if she doesn't speak them fast enough the words will be gone from her head and she'll forget what she wants to say.

She's a sweet girl and very intelligent, speaking three languages fluently. When she applies herself she does very well at school but if she is not interested (most of the time) it is very difficult for her to sit still and concentrate. She loves sports (skiiing, biking, running, horseriding, volleyball, gymnastics, anything involving movement) and sitting still is challenging (often fidgetting or getting up from the desk or table).

Following instructions is very hard for her, unless it is a single command at a time. Any changes of plans will also trigger a meltdown. She works through her emotions and will apologise for her behaviour 10 mins later, promise never to do that thing again (I believe she emphatically believes her promise) and then repeats the behaviour 30 mins later.

When talking to my daughter about family therapy or seeing a child psychologist, she throws a mental fit, screams, slams doors. I am trying to explain that we need some support to find a way to deal with the disharmony in the house but she doesn't want to do a test and doesn't want to see a therapist. It's as though she sees this as a failure rather than support (regardless of how I frame it).

Any advice from any of you who have been here and already come out the other side would be much appreciated.

[BLC89]

Hello BlueYeti,

You have a lot on your hands right now. I am sorry your daughter is having a rough time.

ADHD in females presents very differently than in males. Very generally speaking males are the "stereotypical" ADHD with high energy, interrupting, emotional dysregulation, etc. Females, on the other hand, are often more internal with their symptoms - day dreaming, lots of thoughts.

ADHD can also come with black & white thinking or inflexible thinking, high sensitivity to injustice, and Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphia (skewed filter that interprets other's actions in the worst possible light relating to themselves).

It sounds like you have a little bit of everything plus all the hormonal changes that come at that age. That is a lot!

One thing I have found helpful is talking to kids about their different wiring. Talk about the fact that you think you and your husband likely have ADHD. Make it a normal part of conversation, make that the normal she is a part of. From the place of accepting how you are wired you can move to looking at strengths and supporting challenge areas.

Keep in mind also that her executive function is about 30% behind her age. So your 13 year old is closer to 9 years old as far as being able to prioritize, organize, manage time, manage emotions, etc.

You have what I call gatekeepers of emotions, time management, etc that are far younger and weaker than what is being thrown at them. You have the expectations of a 13 year old being put on a 9 year essentially. And as they age and move up through school the gap gets bigger and the expectations get higher and higher.

So if you think about the meltdowns, and other behaviors do they feel more in line with what you would expect from a 9 year old (9 year old going through puberty?). It’s rough for everybody.

As far as talking to her about counseling or therapy I would suggest phrasing it as learning new tools to support her different wiring. If you approach it from the point of view of “fixing” anything – disharmony, difficulty in school or with peers – it means your daughter is the broken part.

None of you are broken; you are all doing your best to survive in a society designed for different ways of thinking.

If a shoe doesn’t fit you don’t change the foot, you change the shoe. You are the foot, in this instance, and society, school or the job is the shoe. You are trying to force a shoe to fit by changing the foot.

I know a stuttering coach you could reach out to. I don’t know if he works with teens but he may know someone who does. He can be found here: westcoaststutteringcenter.com

Most of what you are up against is negative self-talk and inwardly critical thinking patterns for the stuttering and the ADHD. If you choose to work with a therapist find one well versed in ADHD and in the area of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it has been found to be the most impactful for those with ADHD specifically because it focuses on thought patterns and how to change your view of yourself and the world around you.

When she melts down and then apologizes, you are absolutely right she means it when she says she won’t do it again. But she is promising the impossible. She is saying that next time the 9 year old gatekeeper will be strong enough to override the 13 year old emotions and that won’t be the case unless the gatekeeper has tools to support them. She is of the mind if I “just try harder” I can do it. That is hugely common among ADHDers because that is what most of society has been telling them. I know you can do it if you just try harder – it’s crippling. They don’t need to try harder they need to do it differently with specific tools.

I hope this makes sense and is useful. If you want to chat further I am happy to. I am an ADHD coach and help parents, tweens to adults who have, or love someone who has, AHDD.

Another resource I recommend is the book ADHD 2.0 by Dr Hallowell and Dr Ratey. It lays out the basics of ADHD, helpful tools and dives into the latest brain science. It also discusses the differences between females and males with ADHD.

You are on the right track, keep learning, keep looking for what works for your family. You are all extremely creative and will find systems that work for each of you and you all as a family.

Hang in there!

BLC89

[Scatter13]

BLC89 is absolutely right on point with everything she mentioned! I also have a 14 year old daughter who is almost the same as your baby only without the meltdowns. The way I’ve introduced therapy to my kid is by learning a lot about her difficulties and then having her learn about it too! I’ve watched people talking about ADHD in females with her and then we talked about how it so relabeled to her. I then later had her going to occupational therapy to get the tools she needs to improve herself! It has helped her a lot. If you need help please let me I’ll be happy to assist you with anything you need! Remembering that she’s more like a 11/12 also helps me to adjust my expectations. I know it’s hard but you love her and you can do it!

[Mamamichl]

When I had to be hospitalized for my mental state, it helped me break the stigma on "psych wards". You could try a big brother/big sister situation. Sometimes having an outlet like that helps, since kids listen better to other people. I would set her up with a neuropsychological evaluation. Its usually an all day thing where the kids play with doctors and hang out. The doctors know what to look for and can evaluate if the child has ADHD, ASD, OCD, sensory processing, etc. Tell her she needs the evaluation, but after the diagnosis, you can figure out what to do and how to do it through her regular doctor. It was quite beneficial for my stepped to get this done and me too. She has to be all in, and though you won't push counseling, you can say you need to do this evaluation to see what her strengths are and how her brain thinks.