our 8 year old son with combined type adhd has been getting angry when he is not allowed to do things… or angry that he has to do something. We have set limits: do your chores/practice piano before screen time. Today he slammed the door so hard the smoke detector/carbon monoxide monitor fell off and shattered. The consequence for that is that he has to pay for the replacement from his allowance. Later on he was upset screen time was delayed and threw a lunch container and broke it. 😓 so he is down $40 in one day. He had $43.06 to his name.
We are going to discuss potentially starting medication with his primary. We did 18 months with a child family therapist with coaching and focusing on quality 1-on-1 time and praise. But it’s still really hard. 😣
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Profenergeticcoyote
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That's really tough! I had emotional dysregulation when I was his age and I saw a child psychologist for my ADHD. They told my parents that punishments were ineffective and the best solution would be to take me away from the situation right away and work on soothing me. My mom would talk to me in a low voice, put her hand on me and ask me about feelings. It worked well for me. I also worked with my child psychologist and had a 1 on 1 in school that helped me through the day. You got this!
Thanks for sharing your experience. Meeting that emotional intensity with calm sounds like the right strategy. It can be a struggle at the height of the intensity because he will hit or push us (mom, dad, 3 year old brother).
I'm sorry to hear he hits and pushes! Maybe you could drive some self-awareness around it? When he does it, remind him that it's not ok to hit or push others and ask him how he feels when others hit or push him? Maybe it will make him self-reflect in the behavior and how it may impact others?
We went through similar with our son (also 8yo) who was diagnosed with ADHD very early (at 4) and realized quickly that given how little money he has, making him pay for the consequences of his actions would exhaust his money immediately. Then it would be impossible to use having to pay for breaking things as a deterrent, unless it was just making him pay a token amount that would still matter to him.
Instead, we started (trying to) make him at least clean up any broken things or try to help "fix" what was wrong. E.g., in your case with the smoke detector he could take a broom and sweep the contents into the trash and maybe have to help carry the box with the new one into the house and assist in setting it up (handing things to one of the parents, throwing out packing materials, maybe filling out the warranty card). We would also occasionally take away privileges but found it often just contributed to a shame spiral that would lead to more misbehavior.
Ultimately our son remains impulsive and prone to breaking things, but it has been much improved since he started medication. Stimulants didn't work for him but he has done well with Guanfacine ER and Atomoxetine. He still has many challenges but his overall mood and behavior are pretty good and he is doing well in school now.
Another random suggestion is the video of Rick Lavoie's "The Motivation Breakthrough" (I'm sure the book is good too, I just watched the DVD). It's free through Kanopy.com (which you can access via your local public library). I found it extremely valuable for understanding what drove some of my son's behavior and thinking of strategies for managing it, it felt like he was one of the only authors on this subject who actually understood.
Thanks for this perspective. I agree that the money payback seems tough. I was trying to institute a positive rewards system for doing chores. It won’t work if I also take away what he is given. I feel conflicted because I want him to learn there are consequences for his actions but it’s clear he is not able to slow himself and think before acting in these instances.
This is a constant struggle for us too, you are not alone! We ultimately use a weekly allowance with associated responsibilities (with responsibilities increasing slightly at each birthday), but it is very hard to ask him to do more than a small number of things. Maturity has helped a little bit as well as working on our reactions (we also worked extensively with a child psychologist who helped us with coaching), but I'd say medication has made the most difference by far.
the things that help best with these kinds of impulses is to have a place where he can get his aggression out appropriately: a pouncing bag, a tree to hit with a stick, etc. even having a place he can cuss (not derogatory) or even a safe place he can be when overwhelmed. Stimulant meds didn’t work for me with outbursts but strayers does. If you’re concerned of side effects, have him take a gene sight test (or something similar) to see what meds his genetics has adverse reactions to.
Right now he will run out into the backyard where he can yell/scream as much as he would like. We have a couple hammocks and swings that he will sit and swing on to calm down. We tried saying he could hit pillows but honestly, he much prefers to throw things. And even pillows at people/breakable items does not work in our house.
Great comments by all the members. Our son is 18 years old and just moved away to college.
I realize that it was important for him to do chores, just becuase it helps the family. We never give him chore money. We just consistently made him do his chores (trash and unload dishwasher).
Our son needed medication to help him function. He is still taking it, Gufacine and Wellbutrin. Together these help him so much especially with focus and impulse control.
We never found consequences that worked. We tried everything and we just keep telling him his actions impact others.
I wanted to add that out son needed a balance with sports and school. When he was young Tae Kwan Do really helped hom. So I recommend finding something he enjoys outside of the school and home. Our son loved Parcour. Where you flip and jump over things.
Hope you find what works. We are always here for you!
My son “screams house into outterspace!” Rage, screaming, and breaking things when he is raging is a little scary for me to see and know how to troubleshoot it, is harder as a Neurodivergent ADHD mom myself I can relate to the “rage,” but mine is always internalized, then the gate latch is enough to make me chuck the darn gate down the stairs merely for hitting my last nerve. My son I wish could scream in room, I am learning to try my best to wait until he is a little more chill to acknowledge that, maybe give a little affection (if he’s willing).
I would be curious to know how to hold him accountable and appreciate your post!
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