hi guys, I am a single dad w full residential custody of 2 boys aged 9 and 4. I have been separated from their mom since Nov 2019. My mom lives with me full time since then and we have an after school helper come by on the weekdays. My older son was diagnosed with ADHD about 10 months ago. He has also had an autism screening but it didn’t show him above the cutoff. He has an IEP at school, has a 1:1 aide and is in an integrated classroom. He’s right on track academically for being the youngest 4th grader in his class.
The biggest issue we have been having with him in the past 6 months is that he’s been having more regular and intense meltdowns. In the past 2 months they have started to get violent towards myself and my mom. He played basketball for the first time ever last fall and just completed his first season of baseball this spring. Many of his biggest episodes have come during and after games where he either strikes out or doesn’t get the ball passed to him. Yesterday after the final game of the season, he struck out in his final at bat and came off the field crying, the coaches tried to console him and seemed he might get over it. But he came of the field cursing the umpire and looking to get violent. He turned over and kicked two metal 55 gallon trash barrels at the park. When my mom and I tried to get him to calm down he lashed out at both of us trying to punch and kick us. We had to physically restraint him for almost 5 min and then he ran away from us. He was trying to headbutt scratch and bite me. All the while cursing me or my mom. It got so bad some parent asked if he should call the cops. A special ed teacher was nearby and offered to try to console him as we weren’t making much progress getting him back to a calmer place. She was able to talk him down a bit but he continued for probably another 30 min trying to be destructive, and crying and finally I got him to walk away and hold my hand for a bit.
It’s so hard to have him turn against me or my mom and I am torn in knowing what to do? Do any of the other parents here have any similar experiences and how did you handle it? After he’s extremely aggressive towards me, he can be very anxious to get back close to me. It’s so confusing because he seems to have completely forgot about the meltdown where I am extremely shaken by it even for days afterwards.
And for those wondering ,, we do take him to a counselor outside of school pretty regularly. We had seen a psychiatrist in Nov of 23 who prescribed 2.5 mg of Abilify and 10 mg of Vyvanse. He was on it for a month or so, then lapsed off because of some mix up with the doc about writing the scrip for a generic which is very back ordered.
Then he got back onto it around March of this year and was on that regime for about the last 2 months. Then about 2 weeks ago I took him into a highly regarded hospital here for a psychological examination and they released him back to me that same day after interviews/exam with him and myself both together and separate. We were there for about 4-5 hours total as we came in through the ER. They recommended that we stop the Abilify but continue w the Vyvanse.
He had a meltdown at the park last Sat after playing baseball with myself and some neighbors kids that we play with regularly. After that we stopped the Vyvanse.
We were trying to see if the medication was affecting him in exacerbating these meltdowns. But he just had one of his most extreme ones the other night.
I have been in touch with his teachers and counselors in school and they have been very supportive I just had a video conference with his special ed teacher, his behavioral intervention counselor through school ( she also sees him in school and at our home once a week), the school psychologist, and a school social worker.
The social worker had me send over his latest paperwork with the adhd diagnosis. She is trying to see if there is room for him in a clinic near our place. In the meantime, I’m honestly a little nervous about another weekend with him and hoping that there’s not any more meltdowns because they are so emotional and difficult for me and him. Any help is so appreciated or just sharing or anything to make some more sense of this..you can ask me anything ..Thank you!!
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My son regularly has meltdowns in which he can get physical and lash out at anybody or anything who happens to get close to him and we have to struggle to physically restrain him without inadvertently hurting him and making things worse.
He calms down best through a combination of co-regulation (starting extremely calm around him such that his body will start to regulate with yours) and finding him something to focus on for awhile, such as a book or a Lego project. That doesn't make the interim easy, though. We've lost more than one caregiver as a result. I see you.
Thanks for your feedback! I like the co regulation part and will do my best to stay as absolutely calm as possible when he’s melting down. He seems to be wanting both my attention but also angry and I happen to be the closest person to him so he is directing that anger at me. I know he says things he doesn’t mean but he can be very pointed and hurtful and he seems like he’s directly trying to provoke and hurt me with his words and his fists/kicks. I am torn with keeping my distance and almost watching him out of the corner of my eye (to try to prevent him getting attention for negative behavior), or conversely, being there for him and either trying to physically comfort him (he one time broke down and cried on my shoulder for a while and I hugged him and he seemed to calm after that) or stop him from damaging property or possibly hurting anyone else..it’s a very delicate situation.
I feel with you! At the same time I am very impressed by how much effort you put in helping your son!
My daughter is six yrs old and I am familiar with meltdowns although only one of the led her to attacking me about a year ago. Other times she would just scream for about an hour or so without any chance to get her to listen to anything I would try to say. Triggers for her meltdowns were things like her favorite socks not immediately fitting the way she expecteted them to, beeing told, that her media time would be over in five minutes, starting homework etc…
There have been two game changers for us:
I observed meltdowns to occur more often after eating jelly, sausages or any highly processed foods. So I figured, she might be sensitive to artificial additives. Foods that contain them are not banned totally - she is a kid after all - but most definitely not part of her daily diet anymore.
My cousin struggled with schizophrenia untill my aunt, who is a retired physician, discovered that he is sensitive to gluten. He has banned gluten from his diet for nine years now and has not had any episodes ever since. Before that no medication or hospitalization helped.
I read in another post, that parents used 23andme to analyse the genetetics and discovered MTHFR abnormalities. For their kids supplementing vitamin B-complex brought some relief.
I definitively will look into that with my daughter as well.
I started to play lots of board games with her. In the very beginning I let her win most of th times and then started to discuss, how it might feel to lose and how she could deal with the frustration, when it might happen. Started to actually compete her in games that she did not like as much so that losing would lot lead to too much frustration. And then went on to her favorit game. By that time we had a sheet of paper always next to the board ready to be torn in pieces when needed. Once she lost she had a very mild meltdown she got out of very quickly. By now she still gets frustrated frequently but is open to ideas how to solve the situation immediately to prevent melt downs.
It sounds like doing well at baseball is really important to your son. Does that maybe make handling frustrations harder for him? Do does deals with frustrations in other situations that don’t mean as much to him?
Thank you for sharing your story! It makes me understand that others are also struggling with these kinds of things and makes me feel less alone. We do definitely try our best to always feed him the most natural and unprocessed foods, but as others have said, they are kids and some things are difficult to cut out completely. He actually does love to eat fresh greens out of the garden so we always try to make those things available. But he is very hooked on the feeling of something sweet. I have read that kids w ADHD look for sugar as a way to “self medicate” because it gives that dopamine hit that they crave.
As far as baseball, yes he’s having the biggest meltdowns in those sports situations where he’s competing and possibly failing. We have breathed a sigh of relief now that baseball season is over, but he has talked about wanting to continue it next year. We continue to talk to him about the best way to handle both winning and losing. I am torn because he loves it, but we cannot emotionally survive another baseball season like this one. And I’m afraid he getting bad habits relating to his acting up at baseball and not having consequences. I am not sure what the best consequence would be for him? Maybe I should say that we cannot play baseball again until he learns how to deal with striking out or missing a ball in the field? Or try individual sports like tennis or martial arts as another poster has suggested? BTW he has tried both of those and we didn’t get a second session out of either. We can try again though.
My point is, my son is with 15mg of vyvanse and i got good results, now he seems to loosing control out of his emotions and im thinking to ask to raise the dosage.
10mg of vyvanse is very little to see a boost on a 10years kid, i know everyone is diferent.
Thanks for your feedback! His teachers have been saying he is noticeably different in school and needs much less redirection while on the Vyvanse. He is also staying out of his friends personal space better and the teachers and therapists are able to reach him better after a meltdown. He responds to what they are saying and can participate in making a plan with them on how to deal with the situation better in the future. However, we noticed him at home to really perservate on inappropriate subject like doing illegal things. Mostly breaking locks or stealing, he seems like he’s relentless about pushing the boundaries and testing my limits. When he’s off the medications he seemed to be calmer and more able to move onto the next idea? So we are seeming to have better results at school w the medication it's harder at home. Whereas now that he s off it, he’s calmer at home, but he’s been getting into a little trouble in school for saying inappropriate things and making the other kids uncomfortable. He lost some recess time for some of the comments about a classmate the other day. We do have another appointment with a new psychiatrist next week.
Did you find it took some time to find the correct doctor? Because our first one seemed very checked out and barely paying attention during very short office visits and she was very much like “let’s try this medication and see how it goes..” are all the docs prescribing meds like this?
thank you for sharing. I was going to say my partner was on a stimulant med that would make him more volatile and aggressive. We did a gene sight test to check on which meds had less adverse side effects, and I helped us immensely. He also takes a booster mid day and the anxiety meds that he and I are both taking is extremely beneficial for our outbursts.
Are his outbursts generally about sports? If so, consider a physical extracurricular that is not competitive. Physical outlets are helpful, but not everyone can handle winning or losing correctly. Some can learn, but it depends on the kid. Also, does he have a punching bag or something he can do to get out the physical aggression in a socially acceptable way? My partner beats a tree with a stick. We had a punching bag for the kids, and it helped too.
Hi, thanks so much for your feedback! It helps to hear from others who are also having a tough time. It means the world to share and know you aren’t alone! Thanks for the advice about the team sports . I have tried both tennis and martial arts with him and they don’t seem to stick. Maybe we will try again as maybe it was too early. The problem is he really loves baseball and basketball as he gets to play with abs against his classmates.
I feel for you and completely relate to the emotional toll it has on you as a parent and the dread of it happening again. I’m right there with you.
My 10 yr old daughter has similar struggles. She is rarely violent with us, but it does happen. She is less restrained with her little sister who is 7 and also has ADHD. She will kick, hit, or throw things at her when flooded with emotions. At 5, she once smacked our dog in the face when storming off. As she’s grown, her tantrums and outbursts have shorted (they could go on for 2 hrs at time in the past) and they are less aggressive/loud. Now they most often present as what’s best described as near panic attacks during which she cries and talks of being sad and worried. Both types leave me shaken and worried and wishing I knew how to help her in the moment. Wishing I could lesson the pain, discomfort, and upset that she is experiencing in those moments.
Incidentally, the doctor that did her most recent neuropsych advised against team sports as they can be so upsetting for kids like ours when they miss a shot/miss a pass/etc and end up feeling like failures that let the team down. I’m sure all kids (and even adults) experience such feelings, but our kids feel so much more deeply than others. He recommended individual sports like tennis or martial arts. I found his recommendation off-putting, but it did resonate with me in the sense that team sports have been the least successful of any extracurricular we have ever signed our girls up for.
One other thing that has helped me is something a therapist that specializes in working with ADHD kids once explained. I told her about a time that my younger daughter hit and came at me during a screaming tantrum. Afterwards, when calm, I tried talking to her about the incident. She was insistent that she never hit me or hurt me. It left me even more frustrated that she was denying it, but the therapist explained that it’s entirely plausible that she didn’t remember doing those things when so flooded with emotion and anger. Not to mention that externalizing blame and difficulty accepting responsibility are also common with ADHD, so it’s really just a perfect storm.
Lastly, my oldest is also Vyvanse and I haven’t noticed an increase in this behavior while medicated. We had hoped that ADHD meds would dampen her impulsivity and short-temperedness, which I’ve been told can happen. But outbursts (small and large) seem to happen with the same likelihood whether medicated or not. I would talk to your med provider regularly and do your best to gather data about behaviors when medicated and not to better understand how the meds affect him.
Thank you for telling me your story and sharing! We have been having his 1:1 aide at school take data on his inappropriate behaviors at school (self stimming, getting in classmates personal space and need for redirection in classroom)and they show a significant decrease at times when hes on medication ..but his extreme focus at home makes the weekends more difficult..so we have an appointment with another psychiatrist next week and the school social worker is trying to get him admitted to a local mental health clinic that specializes in treating children. We are hopeful that we can get to a better place. It’s a long journey and so difficult to deal with in addition to being a single dad working full time and going through a divorce during Covid and after.. but I’m continually thankful for those special times that I get with them every day 🙏
Thank-you for sharing with us your experiences with your son.. I know this is not easy. Our son is 17 years old and has "matured" past the stage you are describing.
I am truly impressed at all you have set up for your son and how flexible you are being, which I found necessary in raising our son.
If you have not discussed or considered Guanfacine with Vyvanse. Guandacine has helped many children with ADHD and it may really helps with mood and focus. I would hope it could be a good help for your son. Our son had a 24 hour dose so.it doesn't wear off. You should also make sure the Vyvanse is not wearing off to soon.
Our son attended Tae Kwan Do classes for a number of years. Their philiosphy/tenents became a way of life for our son. He was able to as an individual compete against himself and gained many life long skills. Looking back now, I never imagined how much this helped our son and it will continue to help him into adult life.
If you could ask your son, when he is in a good space, how you can help ( I am not sure he knows) him when he is out of control. Maybe he gives you a secret word so you know he is ready to get out of control. I wonder if you can change environments, leave or get him distracted with something else this may help. Blame it on you and see if that could help when you know he is going to explode.
Our child psychiatrist told us with the correct medication dose and timing 60% of all behaviors should go away. This feels really good.
From my experience ( if you can get the right medication) this seems like a stage and once he gains maturity these will stop.
I am giving you a very big virtual hug and letting you know how amazing you are in getting through all of this. It is wonderful to hear of the support from the school. Those people give their lives to support children and their families.
My 6yo has adhd and can get volatile/explosive/violent at times.
I’ve had success:
- using the method explained in the book “the explosive child.” Game changer!! Truly!! Also related podcasts, videos, etc. it was the first resource in a long time that gave me hope.
Part of the approach there helps you work with your kid directly to figure out what’s going on beneath and make a plan together to address and do things different.
If I were in your exact shoes I’d also pause sports / big triggers as much as possible until it stabilizes. I’d be honest and compassionate with my kid that it’s unsafe for him and others around him for him to be in sports until this gets sorted out. Kind of like a “low demand” parenting approach, only in this case you are taking a low trigger approach.
In my family we have adjusted during certain times based on this sort of approach - there was such a huge huge public awful rock throwing meltdown after a church Easter egg hunt we reflected and realized we can’t go to large stimulating events especially where toys and rewards are involved.
Overall, I would consider taking a “remove all triggers you can identify” approach for now and add things back in if something changes down the line.
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