Teacher singles out ADHD pre-teen in front of class

[adhdmamallama]

Passive aggressive (okay, maybe more aggressive than passive at this point) teacher singles out my ADHD pre-teen with what at first seems to be a praise of her work... to only crush her fully by criticizing her homework having been "great" but submitted all crumpled up. What to do? We've had brush-ins with said teacher in the past. She's entirely too insensitive to the kid's plight. Any parents with some good, actionable advice? Thanks!

[STEM_Dad]

If you've already talked to the teacher, and she continues to do this, then you will have to make the principal aware of the situation. (Maybe first talk to the teacher again, and let her know that if she continues to single out your child in front of the class like that, then you will have to bring the matter up with the principal.)

When an authority figure like a teacher is shaming a student in front of their peers, it can cause lasting harm to the child's psyche...it can cause the child to distrust teachers, in general, and might make the child prone to self-criticism.

A teacher definitely shouldn't behave that way. (Perhaps the teacher meant it in a joking kind of way, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.)

If your preteen has an IEP or 504 plan, then perhaps you can get something added about teachers not criticizing her in front of her peers.

Teachers do have to be able to provide feedback to a student, to help the student to improve. If the crumpled homework seems like an issue to the teacher, then a much better strategy would be to talk to the student one-on-one, with suggestions to improve the outcome in the future, such as using a folder to put homework into.

Crumpled paper is age-appropriate expectations for a preteen. That's an age when teachers might be able to have a lasting influence on their students. So, teachers should look for opportunities to sow seeds of a positive nature... like teaching students effective organization skills.

(I remember that when I was in high school, I would put my homework into the textbook. But then the notebook paper would get crumpled at the top, bottom, and side that stuck out. I think a teacher only said something to me one time about this, because the page was tearing at the top, and that was a suggestion to use some tape. He definitely didn't shame me in front of the class about this. By the time I was in college, I used a notebook to put my paper assignments into, so that my work looked more presentable.)

[BLC89]

Hello adhdmamallama,So sorry that is happening with your kiddo.

Definitely talk with the teacher with your child so you have given them a chance to improve their behavior. Having your child in the meeting does a couple of things: involves your child in solving their problems, shows them how they can do it in the future, gives you info on how your child responds to the teacher and vice-versa.

As best you can go into it seeking information, trying to figure out why this might have happened.

If you go in there as the mamma bear the teacher will be defensive and you can't gain any info - I've done it both ways, mamma bear version feels satisfying and definitely demonstrates to your kid that you have their back, but the interviewer method garners more information.

I personally, wouldn't tell the teacher that you will take this up to the principal if there isn't a change. I recommend that you do involve the principal regardless. Chances are this isn't the first time this teacher has behaved poorly and it needs to be documented otherwise admin cannot take action. The behavior is demeaning and inappropriate, and sounds like the teacher likes to flex their power muscles in order to make themselves feel bigger/better.

I wouldn't give the teacher the heads up because it can sound like a threat which gets a defensive reaction, and they may go to the principal first with their side of it and then when you do connect with the principal he/she is biased in favor of the teacher. I know that sounds manipulative, and it is, but we are here for your kid not the teacher so we will use psychology to our advantage😁

I also recommend talking to your kid about their different wiring and how others don't see the world the way they do. It doesn't excuse poor behavior but gives context for it and can help take the personal sting out of it. It isn't because your child is bad or broken it is because people don't understand. And when people don't understand they can be mean or disrespectful, it is a reflection on them not your kid.

I hope that heps, good luck with the meetings,

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[STEM_Dad in reply to BLC89]

Excellent points, especially about the difference in mode between seeking information and going full "mamma bear".Also a good point about not mentioning to the teacher about informing the principal.

And yes, we are here to support one another and one another's kids. 💯

[Superpups in reply to BLC89]

As an ADHD parent coach, do you help the parents of children with ADHD? If so, I’d like to learn more as I feel I really need help parenting and helping my adult daughter with ADHD. I appreciate any information you can give me.

[BLC89 in reply to Superpups]

Yes I help parents, kids and adults with ADHD. I'll message you directly.

[Onthemove1971]

Great points from the other members. I have scheduled meetings with every with every teacher ( yes even at the mid year change change in high school), expect senior year..It is very important to have a conversation.at the beginning, with your child present to clearly discuss your child's needs.

If you don't not have a 504 plan, please run and get one. Your son needs one.

I 100% agree talk to the teacher, often when I did the story was not the same

Best of luck.

[Mamamichl]

did the doctor specifically say it was your daughters? If not, then the teacher is trying to get the class to be more vigilant with their work. However,if they labeled it as your daughters, then I would talk to the principal and bring up your concern. They don’t know if another student crumpled it or maybe a pet got a hold of it. This teacher is being a perfectionist. Is there a way you can use technology and turn in assignments electronically? She will probably need to know this by high school.

[TravelWillow]

In the past, I would email all my son's teachers with an ADHD summary related to their diagnosis. I see some teachers understand ADHD and can distinguish the disorder vs. something else. My doctor recently wrote about ADHD and how it impacts one of my sons, and I plan to share. Sample below:

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics’ clinical guidelines, children and adolescents with ADHD have poor executive function skills although individual patients may present with different symptomology. Patients may have difficulties with attentiveness, enhanced distractibility, self-regulation, impulsivity, social skills, cognitive flexibility, time management, short term and working term memory and the inability to perform abstract thinking. Students with ADHD commonly have co-morbidities (co-existing diagnoses) that should be taken into consideration when deciding on accommodations to optimize their educational experience. CHILD has an associated tic disorder which is common in children with ADHD. Tics are sudden twitches, movements, or sounds that people do repeatedly and unwillingly. Tics can be mistaken as disruptive behaviors. They are often triggered by emotional distress. CHILD currently has a vocal tic.

With your example, that was really hard for my middle son, who has ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder so public negative feedback did not go over well.

I wish you all the best. You are a great mom!

[adhdmamallama]

Thank you all so very much on your great thoughts, feedback and direction! I am amazed at the village you have all helped create here. Thank you!!

[Knitting20projects]

Best wishes. Nothing to add to the awesome advice above. It’s hard not to barge into the classroom to protect your kiddo, I understand!!!