Seeking experiences to navigate mixed feelings after sending my 11-year-old to live with his grandmother due to his challenging behavior.
Despite achievements this year, his aggression and external stressors led to this decision. While he flourishes at grandma's, he verbally abuses me. Although I'm glad he's doing well, I'm heartbroken for not meeting his needs. We've pursued therapy and are now at the medication stage for his mild ADHD. His absence of a father and possible blame affect our relationship. Hoping he finds peace and happiness with grandma.
I was thinking of writing him a letter but he doesn’t want to communicate at the moment😿.
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Nylnorealo
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First of all, there's no shame in it. As parents, we do the best that we can for our kids, and that includes getting help when we need it. There's no judgement coming your way from me, or I believe from any of the parents here in this forum.
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While I don't have experience with the same type of situation, I do have empathy for you, your son, and his grandma.
Raising children is difficult. Raising children as a single parent is more difficult.
(I've only been doing so for the last year and a half, as a divorced dad...but my children's mom is co-parenting them with me, and she has help at her house with her new boyfriend.)
11 years old...onset of puberty for many boys. He's probably going through hormonal and other changes in his body and brain, which might be elevating his emotional response. It's a confusing time, and many boys experience an increase in aggression.
It's difficult for a child who doesn't have a father or father-figure in their life. I became the dad to my step-daughter when she was 7½, and it was a big adjustment for the both of us. Our family needed the help of therapy, too. (She's now 29, and we have a great relationship, but she at times in her youth her behaviors were very difficult to deal with.)
But my daughter's undiagnosed-ADHD was the missing piece of the puzzle. (Her present doctor suspects that she has ADHD. Now that I've learned so much about ADHD due to my own diagnosis, I can definitely see how much her childhood and adolescent behavior exhibited the Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation of ADHD.)
For any person with ADHD, emotional dysregulation can be a major factor. For children, it can be more so, particularly when they reach adolescence.
If your son responds well to his grandma, then that's good. This might be for a little while or a longer period.
Whether or not you think he would want a letter from you, I would encourage you to send one when you feel the need to. Definitely do something to keep your side of the relationship open. Whether it's once a week, once a month, or every couple of months, make sure that he knows you love him and you want what's best for him.
Check in with his grandma regularly to see how things are going, how she's holding up, and whether he's continuing to behave well for her.
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I would recommend that you get counseling to help you with the feelings that you are struggling with in this. There's no shame in that, either. I've had to go through counseling a few times, especially in the last few years, and I believe it has helped me to be a better person and a better parent.
Also, even though he is not with you, now might be a good time for you to read up on ADHD parenting.
But don't neglect your own wants and needs. You probably haven't had enough time or mental energy for your own self-care, so you might also consider spending some time in a hobby, or going on walks, or meeting with a friend, or maybe even doing a skill-development course (whether career related or just for an interest of yours).
The present is always a good time for self-enrichment, self-development and self-care.
I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with you about the decision to have you stay with your grandmother for the school year.
In these last few years, I've seen you grow and achieve many things, which I'm incredibly proud of. From moving closer to your cousins, learning to swim and ride a bike, making friends, our adventurous kayaking trips, and even getting our beloved pets, we've had some great moments together.
However, I want you to know that your behavior has also been a challenge for me. As a single parent, I've done my best to guide you and help you through everything, but it hasn't always been easy. There have been times when our conflicts have taken a toll on both of us, and I've started to question whether I'm doing the right thing.
After a particularly tough morning where things didn't go as planned, and you missed your first day of middle school, I felt like I couldn't keep pushing you. You've been asking to stay with Grandma for a while now, and I decided to listen to your feelings. You told me that being away from our conflicts would be better for your mental health, and I couldn't ignore how much you were hurting.
Seeing you settle in at Grandma's and taking care of tasks without any issues has reassured me that you're in a supportive environment. I'm truly happy that you're doing well, but I can't deny that my heart aches because I, as your only parent, haven't been able to provide everything you need, despite my efforts.
We've been through a lot together, and we've tried different approaches, including therapy, to help us navigate these challenges. We're now at a point where we're exploring medication to address certain issues, like your mild ADHD. Please know that this decision is made out of love and care for your well-being. I will continue to advocate for you. I think therapy above all will keep this momentum.
I'm aware that not having a father around has been a sensitive topic for you, and we've discussed this before. I've sometimes wondered if you blame me for this absence, and it's possible that these feelings have affected our relationship. I want you to understand that I'm here for you irregardless, and my hope is for you to find peace and happiness during your time with Grandma, even if it means not being with me right now.
I'll always be your parent, and my love for you is unwavering. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is complex, and we're all doing our best to navigate it. Please take this time to focus on yourself, grow, and find the peace you deserve. I will too. Remember, I'm just a call away whenever you want to talk or share your thoughts.
This is an amazing letter.only thing I would change is stating “your behavior”in the second paragraph. He could imply that he means to have behaviors rather than it being part of his condition he can’t control. In counseling, we have been taught to use “ I statements” whenever possible.
Your love seeps through the rest of the words. I love ❤️ it.
I think this needs a little more work before it is sent.
A good letter would express more care, empathy, and responsibility.
This should not be about your needs or how he has affected you.
You need to gain his trust by showing you are for him, not against him.
Tell him what you like about him, tell him specific good memories, tell him your hopes and dreams for him and tell him the work you are doing on yourself to be a better mom.
I am not blaming you for his challenges. I too have a child with challenges.
He does not need any more shame for his behavior or challenges.
I know I was a challenging kid at times and it feels like my mom still holds it against me. I really needed someone to be a safe place to accept me and know I was hurting.
my cousin is about to have her 17yo go to a group home on Monday on court order. Although it feels devastating, I think both you and kiddo need to feel safe, and this could be an option for that.
My stepkid had always seemed to do better emotionally with biomom than me and their dad. Long story short, mom helps with mental health but isn’t teaching life skills. My 9yo does a better job at dishes that stepkid at 14. We had higher expectations with life skills. It’s hard to know what is best because behaviors happened more and anxiety too when expectations are higher. Don’t feel shame because kids do better emotionally/socially in certain environments.
Your letter is lovely. Keep reaching out regularly, even if it’s to grandparents so that he will always have the message that you are STILL looking after him.
This is why your letter is so important. You communicated that you didn’t give up on him you were merely trying another strategy to improve your relationship with him and his well-being.
I’m an educator of students around that age. For the next several years, they’ll be all over the place, but once they begin to mature, they’ll see things from a new perspective. Your child will see how much you love them, how much you sacrificed for them, and that you never gave up, but instead you continued to journey with them, even if it was through phone calls, letters, visits. Whether or not your child wants to communicate right now has no bearing on what you can still do as a parent. You love your child.- and one day they will know it and appreciate it because of all the evidence you left behind.
I have the opposite experience. I am the grandmother that the child was sent to live with. Not only was he difficult to live with, but at times would get violent and break things. His mother, who is bipolar ,could not handle it and had younger children she did not want him around.He is now seventeen. At one point, he did not see his mother for over a year. But recently he spent a weekend with her.
We once again changed medication about three months ago and he's doing pretty well right now.
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