Constant teacher/staff issues

[FrankenMummy]

My 7 year old has ADHD. He is a sweet, smart, caring, funny boy who is very well spoken and can read a person like a book. He is also impulsive, tests limits, can get very emotinally disregulated and has anxiety. This can make for a very difficult school life, as well as home, but home is no longer the issue. Since kindergarten, he has been sent home numerous times, and about 90% of the time, his story doesn't seem to match the administration in reasons to be sent home. It seems like they single him out to be the trouble maker and rather than help, they toss him away. Now I know, 7 year olds lie, and we talk about lying, but the way that it seems is that he's not lying about incidents that send him home. This last time was 2 days in a row. The first day was that he was running in daycare, antagonizing other kids by pulling toys and saying threatening things. They couldn't handle him and sent him home. When he was picked up, he was sitting quietly with a teacher reading, and admitted to everything he did wrong. The second day, we were told that he was running at kids threatening them with scissors and he was a danger so he had to go home, sent with a really nasty and condescending attitude from the director. His story was totally different, as he said he was going near the toys with scissors, had to sit by himself and then was able to go play. He didn't go to the office until him and another child both wanted to use the paint, he started to yell, and they sent him to the office and they sent him home. His 5 year old sister, who is not ADHD, and doesn't lie at all, corroborated his story exactly, without hearing what he said, as they are in the same class. It seems that once teachers or administrators see that he can be difficult, they automatically use excuses to send him away. It's a running theme in our lives that is tanking my kid's self esteem. I know he's not an angel, I know he's tough, but they don't really give him a chance and it is tedious building my boy back up after "they don't want me there, they don't like me". They both will not be going back, which is awful as this director is fairly new and he was at this daycare for 2 years prior to school and all last summer without issue. We have always loved this school, but if they're finding reasons to send him home, we'll keep him here and loved. Any other kids seem to have this target on them? Am I just naive in thinking the teachers are bullies and not handling him right? He's got very minimal issues at home, even when we have a group of kids around. How do I change this? Will this be my life for the next 13 years?? Sorry for the long post, but I'm just at a loss and so flabbergasted at the whole situation.

[Crazyboymomma]

my son was diagnosed in first grade and has just finished fifth. I’ve always adored his school, and he’s NEVER gotten in trouble. His teachers have all known about his adhd and the only behaviors they’ve reported were the usuals - fidgeting, lack of focus, needing to be redirected, etc. (things that are greatly improved with meds but never completely controlled). This past year he was unfortunately stuck with a pretty awful teacher. Very mean, impatient, and a million other terrible things. Most of all she had horrible classroom management skills. So my son would talk, a lot. And get in huge trouble for it again and again. Basically this created a huge target on his back beyond with her, but with administrators as well. Kids could basically say anything about him and they’d believe it. He’d get in trouble for things no other kid would get in trouble for. It was the worst year ever. Stressful for both of us, and I know damaging to his self esteem. He would literally come home and flip on the couch and say he hates his life. My advice to you would be to talk to them directly with his diagnosis in hand (a diagnosis from a neuropsych is best bc it includes a large section for educators re recommendations and expectations for your child). Demand changes. If they don’t agree, change schools. It’s Dr Barkley’s book I believe that strongly encourages parents to find the right school for their child, and that it’s one of the best ways you can help them. It is their job to accommodate EVERY student, and if they aren’t aware of adhd and its challenges in this day and age then shame on them. They are being LAZY. Good luck. I feel your pain, it’s such a hard thing to deal with. ❤️

[LAJ12345]

I found with my son it seemed that a trigger was to be told not do something. That seemed to put the idea in his head and he just had to do it. Even though he knew it was a dumb idea.

[Imakecutebabies]

This was my son's year in kindergarten. By the end of the year he was getting sent home almost daily, often for things he was unaware he did (e.g. bumping someone he didn't see and getting sent home for hitting them) or for things that were accidents (he also has cerebral palsy and sensory disorder and is not very aware of his body in space). The principal had him pegged as a liar because his story never matched the other kids' or because he couldn't explain why he had done something. By the end of the year, he had also been banned from all of his extracurriculars (art, music, dance, PE) and was forced to sit out during the class's end of year dance performance. Even other parents had him pegged as a bad kid and wouldn't let their kids do playdates with him. It was the most awful year of my life.

In first grade, not only did we start him on medication and get him a 504 plan, but he got a marvelous teacher who completely turned school around for him. He was only sent home once all year (due to a recess incident that the principal handled when the teacher wasn't there), and really thrived at school. He still lacks close friends, but he's had some playdates.

I'm now spending all summer wondering whether his second grade teacher will be at capable as his first grade teacher or if he's up for another kindergarten-type year.

[Uptowngirl12121]

Hi FrankenMummy

Sorry for this experience. I have lived this situation as well. Thankfully there is a sibling who can corroborate. In my situation, there was no one to verify so when my child was telling me a story that did not match it took me awhile to figure out what was happening. I think you already know but let me confirm - it's not nearly as horrible as what they are telling you, it's just that they cannot or will not deal with your child. It's probably a bit of both.

When I know I will never return to a particular place, and am sure about what's going on and I am feeling vengeful, when I must speak to the administrators I usually am certain to smack them around with comments about how they lack expertise and experience. I knock their quality because I HATE when people lie about children and find any excuse to magnify what your child did or said or whatever. I also give them a lesson about children with ADHD and I start with a discussion of how it's not a "behavioral" issue. We all know it's hard when you have a room full of children but honest conversation is what parents need. When you have this kind of moment, just keep reassuring your baby to do his best and let him know you are in his corner no matter what.

Similar to your situation, I remember the day my own boy said to me (as we were leaving his second Kindergarten) "they don't want me do they" and it broke my heart. As a result I have NO sympathy for places like this. Do what you can to move your son as soon as possible and let him know that they weren't qualified to educate him. A place of quality would call you for a meeting without judgement and admit to your face they don't have what they suspect he needs. Get him in activities that he loves so he can keep his self esteem going. Don't be flabbergasted FrankenMummy get your armor on, think about how you will handle if it comes around again (it might). It sucks when they do this but you got this.

[Crazyboymomma in reply to Uptowngirl12121]

👏👏👏

[FrankenMummy in reply to Uptowngirl12121]

Thanks so much, unfortunately this is the third one, he ended up getting kicked out of 2 public elementary schools...well, the first one we left because they sent him home every day between 11 and 1, and the second one they kicked him out for something that was purely the principal's interaction with him. He got put into a "therapeutic" school where he would come home and tell us awful things that the aide in the class was doing, like pulling his hair when he pulled someone's hair. When we tried to fight it, that principal tells us that they are all "unfounded allegations " without so much as just asking the aide if she did this to him. The district is still looking for a school in the fall for him. It's completely ridiculous. He was showing signs of trauma at the first school and it came out that 2 kids were bullying him but he was the one that got in trouble when he would retaliate. I'm used to fighting, but this has happened every year since he started school and it's just so tedious to do this again and again. He's a sweet kid when you see him, but all people see is his impulsivity and his hyperactivity. I hate that they can't see him. But I will fight always for him, and will never stop.

[Uptowngirl12121 in reply to FrankenMummy]

Awful, simply disgusting. Be sure to practice your form of self care so you can re-charge. This chat is a Godsend. We all stand in support of you.

[Knitting20projects]

Been there!!!! It totally stinks. I’m betting that teacher has minimal understanding of ADHD, executive functioning, and behavior management. I had a terrible experience at a Montessori daycare where my developmentally delayed daughter (a toddler) was using the activities as best she could. At a meeting to discuss if she could stay, the teacher actually framed it as “she is using the manipulatives wrong which isn’t good to model for the other kids” instead of framing it as “we are worried we can’t meet her needs and give her enough support.” I will never forget that meeting, and it was 7 years ago!!! I hope you find a solution that works.

[Onthemove1971]

I could have written this e-mail when our son was in the younger years of school.

I always set up a pre-meeting before or at the beginning of the school year, with each teacher, before they had our son in their class. I always started with the strengths and weaknesses and then established an open line of communication. Of course I used this time to try to educate them about what our son unique needs are in the classroom. Things are very different in Elementary, middle and then high school ( every grade counts).

Our son has had medication ( trials of different medications), therapy ( a change in therapist), private tutors and a 504 plan most of his educational life. We still struggled with individual teachers who do not clicking with our son ( yes, even in Junior year).

There will be great/amazing teachers that work well and there will be others. What this journey ( our son is going into senior year) has taught me is that no system is the best for our son, but I always knew I was a working mom and that I could not home school so public school was the only option.

Our son is applying to college and was given a list of topics and guess what he picked? How he deals with his ADHD and how he uses it as a strength. If you would have asked me if things would have turned out the way it has I never would have believed you. Maturity helps children learn how best to handle themselves.

Hope this gives you some inspiration to get through the school years. One foot in front of the other.

[BVBV]

Yes, unfortunately we’ve had some difficulty with staff at my son’s schools as well. As far as his primary teachers are concerned, we are able to send an email to the school ahead of time, explaining about our child and what type of teacher would be the best fit so he is assigned the right teacher from the start for each grade level. This has helped tremendously and his teachers adore him, however we’ve had multiple issues with other staff singling him out and him getting in trouble while other boys have not. His social skills teacher last year had NO special Ed training and was incredibly negative, always complaining about my son and blowing things out of proportion. I was able to put a stop to their interactions and miraculously all the issues stopped….needless to say, keep being an advocate for your son! Of course no child is perfect but if a staff member already has it out for your son he needs to be around different teachers and you should make that request if possible. I work and cannot homeschool but our public schools cannot find enough staff overall, so they just hire anyone unfortunately.