*Please note your responses may be used anonymously in a National Resource Center on ADHD newsletter article providing strategies for other parents to encourage their children with ADHD.
"Children with ADHD hear 20,000 additional critical or corrective messages before their twelfth birthday when compared with neurotypical children." d393uh8gb46l22.cloudfront.n...
With this in mind, how do you provide encouragement and praise for your child with ADHD?
We did our best to focus on the process and progress not results. So of you gave it your all and got a B or C or came in toward the end of the group that's OK its the effort you put in that matters most. We talked about how they are wired differently and that some things will be more challenging for them than others, and that's OK. Knowing you are going to face a challenge would make it a bit less challenging😁
Great question! I’ve always had a hard time dishing out praise. For me it felt disingenuous thus never landed well.
What came easier for me was appreciation and gratitude. I am certainly thankful for any kind gesture (no matter how small) toward their sibling so I acknowledge it. Any thoughtful movement in the right direction gets a ‘thank you’ or ‘that was helpful’. Also, in times when we’re rushing around, I know I’m missing opportunities to acknowledge positive behaviors. It’s my goal to be more reflective when this happens and circle back with acknowledgement and gratitude. Perhaps something like, “I saw that you did ‘x’ yesterday. It was helpful to me/our household because…” I’ve found quick explanations of why we do things also helps them happen again more easily. (It’s also my goal to slow down 
I’d love to hear how others navigate this with their tricky kids!
My husband and I always emphasize to our daughter, who is now 13, that she is loved unconditionally despite her behaviors. We intentionally praise with specific feedback for even very small things. For example, we drove three hours to a church service recently. Our daughter made sniffing noises at about 10 second intervals during the whole drive. During the hour long church service, she managed to refrain from sniffing. We recognized that this was probably very difficult for her, so we praised her for it. On the three hour ride home, the sniffing resumed. We know that she receives lots of negative feedback for behaviors at school, so we try to offset that by ignoring lots of negative behaviors at home and looking for things we can praise her for. She truly thrives on this positive feedback. She makes straight A’s in school, plays trumpet in the band, and is generally a kind person; but it has not been an easy road. She’s been medicated and has gone to a therapist since 2nd grade. Her dad and I are very active advocates, tutors, shoulders to cry on, cheerleaders, and prayer warriors on her behalf.
Great question! I like to keep samples of my kids’ school work from the beginning of the year. At the end of year I pull them out and show them how far they’ve come. I praise their hard work and use their own materials to validate it.
I also thank them for doing chores around the house “that is such a huge help to me” I’ll say. They love to be recognized for positive actions.
In January of each year, we all pick a word for the year. Something that will identify what we’re working on. I use those words to identify areas to compliment them. For example, “patience” or “strong” or “honest” have been words they’ve chosen. Such a good alternative to a resolution which usually makes you feel defeated.
(My sons are 11 and 13, they both have adhd as well as other co-existing conditions - dyslexia, dysgraphia, etc. I’m a trained adhd coach working virtually and in the LA area).
Thanks for sharing! I’m curious about the credentials to obtain an adhd coach title. Tell me more!
I did my training through ADDCA. addca.com Definitely recommend the program. I completed the basic training in June and am now doing the additional Family Course. After completing 100 hours of coaching, I'll be eligible for the ICF credential.
Thank you for sharing this info. Glad it’s worked out so well for you!
It is really nice to be able to share some of our strengths and hard work raising our challenging kids!
Our family has a list of family values in our dining area. Each morning, we all choose one value to look for/focus on for the day. At the end of the day, we tell each other how we saw that value. (IE-I saw KINDNESS when you invited another child to play with you at the park. I saw HARD-WORK when you worked on your invention until it was the way that you wanted it to be.)
We also try to emphasis our family-that you are helping our family whenever you have certain positive behaviors/help your siblings.
Today my son was working on his fine motor skills by color some shapes. After he was done I asked "Which ones do you think you did the best on?" He pointed to two different shapes and told me how tricky they were and the techniques used. I told him "I'm proud of the hard work you did. You're a hard worker aren't you?"
He smiled and gave me a hug and a kiss.
Praise effort over results and get your kids to check in with themselves on success: "I saw what you did, when you had that problem to solve! How do you feel about it?" This way they know you appreciated (noticed) the effort and reminds them of the pleasure of internal motivation, which is an underdeveloped system in ADHD folks.
Evaluating failure with your kids is harder since ADHD kids take failure harder, but explaining routinely that the emotions that come from failure help us learn because it's harder to notice and remember success can help, as long as they're old enough to understand complicated concepts. For the youngest kiddos the best you might be able to do is tell them that everyone feels sad or angry or scared sometimes and that the feelings are okay to have, normal, and are doing the job telling us about the world and what we want to do. Tears' job is to help us feel better when other things can't.
I avoid saying I'm proud of or disappointed in my kids because they're already disproportionately distressed about real or imagined rejection, so suggesting I have expectations that can be met or missed isn't positive pressure for them. Instead I frame criticism as evaluation of whether the result of their actions gets them what they ultimately want.
For example, with lies? I don't express disappointment when my son lies, because it was his action and no one can make anyone else do anything. Instead I caution him that if people around him learn that he lies often, they will be less inclined to trust or cooperate with him, so he won't be able to benefit from that relationship in the future.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It's so nice to hear the positives and ways parents provide encouragement! chadd.org/adhd-weekly/prior...
Whenever my ADD 9 year old comes to me to show me something, I try to remember to ask what it was like for her to do it. At the end of the school year, she brought me her math workbooks and said "here, I thought you might want to see these." I said, "I do, and I would love to look through them with you so you can help me know what it was like to do all these pages." We found a good, quieter time and sat down together on the couch, and she narrated ALL the feelings she had while she was slogging through a math workbook. At the end of it, she said, "you know, it was so hard to concentrate on all this math, but I really did get a lot done this year." Then I layer my praise onto her own for herself... "It's so clear how much you got done AND I know that it may have felt hard at times. I'm so proud of you for finding a way through the hard to do all this learning."
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