Parental stress/fear of failure

[Witchymom]

Hi - first time posting. My 19 year old (they/them) lives with me full time - they were diagnosed with ADHD/anxiety/depression a few years ago. They just finished first year at local community college. For most part, things are great. However…I feel I’m walking on egg shells quite a bit - never knowing what can set them off. I feel it’s difficult at times to speak to my child without them getting upset or offended. I know ADHD brain makes them take everything personally. I’m honestly struggling mentally myself right now. I’ve been on antidepressants for decades and it’s been well managed but there are days I’m at a breaking point 😔. Many times when they break down, I blame myself for not choosing the right word or for having a slip of my own anxiety. How do you deal with this??

thank you.

[poppysage]

Hello, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this . It sounds very stressful. I struggle with mental illness as well, anxiety and bipolar 1 disorder. My five year old child was diagnosed with ADHD last month. While our children are very different ages, I can relate to your walking on eggshells and feeling anxious when they're around. The stress from my child's violent meltdowns has been making it hard for me to sleep. I have to adjust my medication dosages when things are really hard (with guidance from my psych NP) and that helps a lot. But there is still a lot of anxiety to slog through each day. I sometimes find myself at a breaking point too. Please remember that you are an imperfect human who is trying their best and that you cannot control your child's reactions. You're not alone in your struggle, there are so many of us who are trying to navigate this maze without a map. Sending my best to you.

[Witchymom in reply to poppysage]

Thank you poppysage 💜. I’ve been trying to learn more about what the triggers are so I can be more aware. But yes, it’s so difficult when the parent also have mental health issues. Sending you and your little one my best also.

[GreenMoss]

Hi Witchymom - I can empathize with your situation! At times my 24yo and I will set each other off. I have anxiety and he can pick up on my feelings. If he doesn’t ask me about why I’m feeling anxious, he will assume I’m upset with him, which makes him take the offensive. Sometimes I can catch what’s going on and diffuse the situation just by explaining and reassuring him that I’m having trouble and it’s not because of him. Sometimes he doesn’t believe me and the argument continues, but he’s getting better at understanding and self soothing through therapy.

One thing that helps is working on strengthening boundaries. If I’m not doing well, I let him know and focus on self care and take time alone. We’re trying to work on how to de-escalate during an argument too (to prevent him yelling & slamming doors which triggers my anxiety), but that’s been trickier. The emotional regulation piece of ADHD is not for the faint of heart! Lol

I know I’ve said things the wrong way and set him off but I also say things very carefully and set him off. We try to talk after the emotions subside to do better next time and that helps. Do they reflect after the argument and see your point of view? Can they offer you feedback on how you can phrase things differently?

Remember that you are trying hard and you are doing the best you can. Tomorrow is a new day to try again. That is what counts. Be gentle with yourself and I hope you feel better soon!

[Knitting20projects]

I agree with everything said above. Both my kids have autism & ADHD, so self regulation & insight into their emotions are still issues they’re working on. It is incredibly challenging sometimes (especially as summer started & they lack the structure school provides). I’m also not working because I am unsure how to combine a job’s demands with my super high needs kids’ care. (They can’t attend regular after school care or many camps ). My husband & I live in a state of surviving. We would someday like to be thriving. Sorry for making this sound all about me!!! I’m trying to be less reactive & pause a few seconds before responding to my kids’ behavior. I was recently diagnosed with ctADHD & started medicine which helps somewhat but can’t fix my kids. Mostly I mean you’re not alone, and this situation would push ANYONE to a breaking point. Every time I try to start a meditation practice, my kids interrupt me. Or I’m too exhausted by the end of the day! Am I reading correctly that your child is non-binary also? If so, they are facing a difficult atmosphere depending on where you live and probably under tremendous stress. Sending you big hugs!!!!! Each day my goal is getting through the day without crying or eating Nutella straight from the jar with a spoon 😘

[Pema20]

we’ve been in this place with my 17 year old and it it really, really hard. It’s very difficult to watch your child struggle. One thing I noticed is just as she was entering her big hormonal changes a few years ago, I was entering peri menopause and menopause. I found myself feeling a lot more anxious and a lot more reactive to her moods and emotions. It got pretty bad. I finally decided to try HRT. We don’t talk enough about how menopause affects us. It won’t be everyone’s option or choice, but I can say it has helped me a lot. The other thing I have done is taken a parenting teens class that has given me some very clear and practical guidance on communication, setting expectations and joint problem solving, which has been super helpful. Finally, I have noticed that when my daughter’s depression is not well managed it is hard to say anything to her. In teens, depression often manifests as irritability. Getting her in to see her psychologist and help us balance ADHD meds and anti depressants makes a big difference. Hang in there. It is sometimes hard not to feel it is unbearable.

[Peerandparent]

ADHD doesn't make them take everything personally. What it can do is interfere with their ability to regulate their emotions.

That being said, people with ADHD grow up with about 20x the negative feedback ofna neurotypical kid, and that leaves a roll.

It's hard to separate out the things that can and can't be controlled, even for the person experiencing the emotions. Do you debrief after something happens? You can frame it with them as not looking to pass judgement, but problem solving so you can address the issue without it being taken personally.

The reality is that ADHD or not, we still need to take responsibility for the things that happen. If someone spills hot coffee in my lap, even though it likely isn't my fault, it is something I need to deal with, otherwise I still have hot coffee burning me. Responsibility doesn't mean the same thing as accepting blame, but it is about finding ways to avoid repeating negative outcomes in the future.

We all have words that are particularly triggering, and here's a list of some common ones:

"Should" carries a lot of judgment for a lot of us, and can be dismissive of the barriers we experience, so try to avoid it by rephrasing "You should X" to "If X, then benefit Y", or "How can I help you X", or "X needs to get done today, so when do you plan to do it?". Example: "If you get more exercise, you will sleep better and will improve your mental health", "Let's take a walk around the block together", or "The doctor recommended you get exercise, so I was wondering what type of exercise you were planning, and when you were going to fit it into your routine"

"But". Use "and" instead of but. Still the same message, and you don't dismiss the first half as irrelevant.

"Just" A lot of things are much harder for us. We never "just" need to do something. Saying just means dismissing how difficult certain tasks are, especially if we are depressed, and sometimes even at our best it's always hard.

As much as possible try to work it out with them. Stress that you're not trying to judge them, you're trying to support them.

And speaking of support, get as much as you can for yourself as well. The better your state of mind, the more self-aware you will be, and the more you'll be able to be an effective support for them.

[Mamamichl]

try tracking the triggers and talking to them directly about what triggered them. It could be they are just sensitive certain times of day or when on a hard assignment. My biggest trigger is sleep deprivation. My partner had to tell me to stop being mean this morning, so I tried to stop interacting because I know that I was upset, and it wasn’t all his fault.

They could wear something certain as a sign that interacting is not a good time. I e seen some people wear a special hat when needing to focus on something and it would be a bad time for much interactions. Another idea is to have a sign on the door showing when they are sensitive or not in the mood. Hope that helps!