Difficult Teacher!! Advice appreciated 🙏

[Bootsie1]

Hi all,

I'm so grateful to have this platform to connect with other parents going through or who have gone through “THE STRUGGLE”! Thank you in advance for the advice ❤️

My son is a good-natured 9th grader. He has ADD as well as a moderate learning disability. He has no issues with defiance or aggression, however, he has challenges with attention and focus. And starting this school year, as a result of a particular teacher, he is experiencing a fair amount of anxiety. He just recently shared with me the extent of his anxiety which includes very uncomfortable stomach aches.

These symptoms start the period before class, where there is a teacher who is not kind in any way. My son and his friends say she often calls my son out, saying things like “do you understand this now?” and that she is often sarcastic and really rides these kids hard. The interesting thing is she's a younger teacher and it's not like she has burnout... apparently this is just her style, which does nothing to endear any of the kids to her. In my sons case, it's becoming debilitating and that makes me furious.

I’ve not had a conversation with her about my son’s LD or ADHD however the school is well aware...it’s a very small Episcopal private school. Which also means he does not receive any formal accommodations. He has been given grace to finish his work after class and is welcome to come for additional help before and after school. I've tried to have his homework load reduced but the school administration will not budge as they are a “private prep school”.

Mainly, what I'm looking for help with is the conversation I'm planning to have with his teacher. She is outspoken, and quick-witted and I myself have ADHD. I want to go into her room and give her a tongue-lashing in the most eloquent way, while also delivering a message that will soften her to my son. The problem is my inability to communicate without stumbling over my words. Maybe I should write her an email? I do have a close friend who is a writer and willing to help when I need it.

Any thoughts or advice would be helpful ❤️

[Onthemove1971]

Glad you are joining us for this journey. If your goal is to have her not talk to your son that way (which is totally unacceptable), I suggest asking the principal to be in the meeting. This will.put more power to making the point.

As far as the "burnout" it doesn't matter how old or how long we have been teaching... it is very hard for parents to step inside our shoes and understand what it is like to work in any educational system.

I start every year and half year with conversations with teachers that our son struggles with. I email and request a parent meeting. I always start the meeting with the strengths our son possesses and how the teacher can "equal the playing field".. I also listen with an open mind ( sometimes I'm surprised what our son has done, like sit in the back of the classroom) and try not to assume the teacher is wrong or our son is right.

Good luck, let us know how it goes..

[Bootsie1 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you

[sarcasticnole]

Good morning. I myself am a seventh grade teacher with ADHD. My son is in sixth grade with learning disabilities, severe anxiety and ADHD. My first suggestion would be that you compose an email with your friend that is a writer. I think it’s important that you touch bases with the teacher first. I would not mention anything about the other children that feel this way, because this is not about the other children and their parents can advocate for them because if you come at the teacher with all your claws out, you’re not gonna get the response you’re looking for, regardless of her personality or his story. I know it’s a small school so you assume that all people talk about what has been helping him, but if there’s no formality in place with a legal plan that is probably not happening there I would definitely make a note for next year to send out an email to all your sons teachers introducing him and what his needs are, to all who will be working with him.

So for now I would send the email saying that you would like to discuss this further. When can you arrange to talk ? that way you get out What you want to say she has a chance to read it think of how she wants to respond and then you guys can meet virtually or in person. Anyway, hope this helps a bit ❤️ You got this, you’re his biggest fan, there is no one better to advocate for him.

[Bootsie1 in reply to sarcasticnole]

This is a solid plan, thank you so much!

[Daisymariejk]

Thank you for your courage in sharing your experience as well as in advocating for your son. You will never regret these efforts however exhausting they may be. Your intuition is your best guide and your family is on the right track if your son is being open with how he feels. I have been in your exact situation as a mom with ADHD and a son who went to a small private school with a teacher matching your explanation. I agree with the previous reply, reaching out to the teachers directly every semester - I did so one week into every semester (don’t listen to other people who tell you it’s not appropriate to reach out to your child’s teachers in high school) and copied his counselor on each of these emails. I had a meeting with his counselor or sent heads up overview each summer to let her know that I was going to do this. I copied the principal on that email. We were also able to arrange for unofficial accommodations by sharing a letter from his private ADHD Specialist and scheduling a meeting with his counselor, principal and academic director. The best teachers for him were the ones who took the extra time to give him the benefit of the doubt, to reach out to him directly as he walked into class, or pulled him aside after class for a few minutes, simply to ask how he is doing, and to validate him for his hard work or creativity. At times when he shared something like that with me, I would send a special note to the teacher or mention in a teacher conference, telling them how much of an impact their support had on him, building his confidence. We found that most teachers would respond supportively if he reached out before the due date to say that he was struggling getting it in on time and needed a day or two. The more honest he was about what was going on, the more understanding they were. Consistency in how you communicate to the school is critical - in tone and in level of detail. Tell your son that you have been in his shoes and that each conversation he has with teachers is good practice for the future - that not every teacher or person in his life will understand and that’s ok - that we are changing how the system supports us one step at a time. He is a champion for the next kid who is like him that comes along. I have found that people who dismiss my ADHD or show sarcasm for my struggles are projecting their fear of acknowledging their own struggles. Don’t lose your cool, but be vulnerable in asking for help. Explain what you and your family will do to partner with the teacher. It’s a marathon.

[Bootsie1 in reply to Daisymariejk]

i love everything you wrote. Thank you for taking the time with such a thoughtful reply. I plan on saving this ❤️

[Chicagomom]

My daughter is in elementary school at a private school and we have a similar type of teacher. It’s been tough but we’ve gotten through it. We’ve had 2 conferences both of which have been exasperating. I’ve resorted to email communication only, and ordering copies of her school books online and working around the teacher to best support my child. It’s taken a lot of time and effort on my part but so far has worked. Appeals to the administration have not been successful as this teacher has been at this school for a very long time. She denies my daughters ADHD (despite a formal diagnosis by a neuropsychologist) because my daughter does well in the classroom, but this is due to meds and extensive support from me at home. I am hoping next year will be better with another teacher; if not, we will pull her from the school. Good luck and I feel for your situation.

[Bootsie1 in reply to Chicagomom]

Thank you. You are doing an amazing job and it's awesome that you are willing to find a better fit for her if it comes to that. My son has the option to switch schools as well. He would prefer not to as he has made some very close friendships, however I believe the right environment is critical for their mental health.

[BVBV]

My son is only in third grade but recently I stopped the interactions my son was having with his EBD Teacher. I did this by first voicing my concerns with his homeroom teacher and then the Principal, because I felt so uncomfortable with his EBD teacher I could not directly engage. All “issues” my son was having outside of homeroom have miraculously disappeared right after he stopped seeing this man. Because your son is at a smaller, private school, I would agree with others to engage with the teacher directly via email asking for a meeting. Like others also mentioned, it may be helpful to have the Principal at that meeting so you are all on the same page moving forward. It’s a hard balance to make the teacher realize her treatment of your son is not acceptable, and her agreeing to make necessary changes while keeping a positive relationship. Best of luck!!

[Bootsie1 in reply to BVBV]

Thank you for your reply. It's great that you advocated for your son in that way and that it made such a difference once he no longer had to be with that individul.

I plan on doing my best to communicate with this educator in a way that serves my son and doesn't damage the student-teacher relationship any further. It's quite a vulnerable position to be in as a parent.

[Kd1970]

I have been in your shoes, although it was with a third grade teacher many years ago. I have since that time given every teacher a copy of Russell Barkley’s Managing ADHD in School: The Best Evidence-Based Methods for Teachers. It sells for $17.95 on Amazon, which is pricey now that my daughter has 4 academic teachers. I still feel that it’s worth it. My email to the third grade teacher was very effective and actually led to some change, but it was near the end of the school year unfortunately. I told her what my daughter’s perceptions of the teacher were. I explained that the truth of her perceptions didn’t really matter because the perceptions were real to her. I suggested to the teacher that maybe she didn’t want my child to remember her as the teacher who gave her such anxiety and negative feelings. In my case, the teacher made a point to play with her at the end of the school year. My child remembers that still. Good luck!

[Bootsie1]

Thank you for your advice. I will check out the Russell Barkley book you recommend. It's great you got such a good response from your daughter's teacher. I hope we have a similar experience.