Explaining ADHD to partner

[AMDad]

My 15yo son has ADHD, does well in school, has an IEP, socially struggles, not quite as mature as peers. My partner of 8 years (not his mom) believes that he will never be able to live on his own, go to college, drive a car, or even get a job. I have been trying to deal with this since she became very concerned a year ago. Yes, he has many challenges, but has passed AP exams, always been on honor role, played JV baseball. She frankly thinks I'm lying to myself if I imagine him going off to college or doing anything "typical" as she puts it. We are currently separating because of this and I don't know what to even say. I'm just throwing this out here in desperation. I can't predict what will happen to my son, but I feel like saying what his limitations are right now is not giving him any credit at all. Thanks to all of you.

[BTV65]

That sounds awful.

I had ADD growing up, but back then no one knew about these things, so I never had meds or any other support like that. However, I went to college, had a good well paying job, got married had kids, did all the normal stuff. My wife had ADHD as was/is *WAY* more successful than me. She's a VP at a company in the biotech sector making 6 figures a year.

However, the flip side... Our son passed his AP class, was on the honor roll and did great in HS. However, he failed out of college. High school had structure and someone watching you to make sure you didn't slip between the cracks. College, you are on your own. Sure you can get help if you ask for it, but no one is watching out to make sure you don't stumble and fall flat. Without that structure, he couldn't manage it. So now he's living at home with me while he tries to figure out what to do with his life. (He does drive a car, so I'm not sure why that is even on the table as a likely point of failure) He drives for Door Dash so at least he has some income. I'm hoping that in a couple years he will be able to find his way back to a solid path in his life. Maybe he will even give college another try. Who knows...

[Onthemove1971]

Thanks for sharing your situation with us. The "what" will happen in the future has always stressed me out. When school is not so good I am up all night stressing and worrying about our son.

What has helped our son ( who is 16 years old) is to have electives in high school that he might be interested in. He took a Forensics class and fell in love. He was also considering sports medicine and is struggling with the class, so we know this is not the path for him.

Could he so some career exploration to dive deep into what he would like to do when he grows up ( I know this will sound overwhelming at 15 years old) if he finds something that interests him this could guide what type of college/work he could have in the future.

I agree that children like our need support and structure, I wonder if you could look at a college that supports children with ADHD.

Our son is really on a great path with wanting to study evidence collection from a science focus. He can still be successful if he get B's and even a few C's. He has committed to a college and is very excited.

My focus has always been to just love him ( even when he gets C's) and build his confidence in himself ( which is very hard to do). He loves to listen to motivational speakers to help him.

It sounds like you are really doing a great job in believing in him and guiding him.

We are always here for you.

[Aspen797]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s so hard when partners don’t see eye to eye on kids. Sometimes a neutral third party can provide an opinion that helps clarify things. Your son’s IEP team and the division of vocational rehabilitation are two neutral third parties who are supposed to assess for needs after high school and provide supports to get kids independent.

There is a big push now by the department of education to have IEP teams focus on transition planning—evaluating what type of post-high school goals the child has, their ability to live independently, the skills they need to develop, etc. Some schools are really, really good at this and provide a lot of testing and skill-building opportunities , some less so.

The division of vocational rehabilitation also has a mandate to provide, at minimum, pre-employment transition service hours to any child with a disability, regardless of whether they actually qualify for VR services. These pre-ets services are short and basic but helpful. You can also apply for VR services for your child. These services are more hands-on—helping them with summer employment, possibly helping pay for post-secondary certifications, training and college, etc. They may or may not qualify, but the information you gain will help you regardless.

More on this here:transitionta.org/topics/sec...

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Aspen797]

Thanks for the information for us on adult services, many parents don't know they are out there to help... I will warn from my many many years experience ( think DMV!!), just some advice.

[Aspen797 in reply to Onthemove1971]

so true!

[Hidden]

I am sorry you are going though splitting from your long term partner. Do you think she uses these complaints/concerns about your son as an excuse why she wants to separate?

It looks like your son is doing well. Make sure you give him independence even if it carries risk- holiday camps just with the peers, scouts etc.

Driving might be a problem if someone has dyspraxia and ADHD at the same time. I never learnt to drive but I wasn’t motivated plus in Europe back in my youth we only had manual cars😄 My husband is laughing that we will wait for fully automatic cars which drive themselves and he will get me that😄 I am doing just fine not driving- using Uber, travelling around Europe… I love using trains as they are sooo cheap and in my town we made sure we live central near the high street and near the train station - I have a 20 minutes non stopper train to London if I want to go to a city, nearest international airport is 20 minutes taxi ride away and everything else in my town I walk everywhere (in the long run I will be healthier than those who drive everywhere 😉) or I ask other mums to take my kids along to classes, parties etc.

I mean, it needed some planning to make my ‘disability’ not an issue😉

Just joke about it if your partner or whoever does criticise and has negative vibes.

Maybe your son won’t need to drive if he lives in a large city such as London or New York and uses underground 😄

Besides I bet he will drive!

[Renee1988]

I hear you. That is so hard. I have a 16 year old with ADHD, ASD, dyspraxia and am also trying to do my best with a (wonderful) long time partner, and whether or not my child is going to launch is a hovering worry.

I do not think your partner is looking for a reasons to separate, as someone suggested earlier. It's just a really enormous commitment to take on when one is not the child's parent. Her own life could be so much more simple, and raising a child with these kinds of disabilities is harder than people realize until they have a front row seat. And we are all responsible for ourselves: she not only has a right, but a duty to make sure her own needs get met in this family. She cannot be a healthy person or partner otherwise.

The thing that gives me hope is that my son is going to a school with a significant "launching apparatus," so to speak: they start in tenth grade it match kids with the special needs programs now available at many colleges nationwide.

Rather than wait and worry and try to talk her around, I'd try contacting your school district and state to ask about programs for people with disabilities and see what they can offer to help get him launched. No matter how good his grades are, he probably will not make it in a program for typical kids--at least not the first year--because so much of that years is about social relationships.

I'd let your partner know that you are making concrete steps because you know you cannot just rely on hope and love, and she has a right to a life with joy, too. That may be enough to convince her to keep trying--and it may not--but it's much more reassuring than reminding her that he is doing well now.

[Peerandparent]

So. I have ADHD, and I had my share of challenges; I actually was on disability for a while due to mental health issues. I am also happily married with two kids and have been in the same job, that I love, for the last ten years. I also choose not to have a driver's license because I simply do not trust myself behind the wheel.

I can't say what the future will hold for your son. I do feel that there needs to be a balance between tempering expectations while supporting him in pursuing his goals.

What does your son want for his own future? For example, if he wants a particular career, there really isn't a job he couldn't do. He will need the right supports though. For example, if he's self-employed, he'll likely need timekeeping software, money management software, maybe an accountant... He'll also need to have a good level of self-knowledge and ADHD knowledge. He'd also likely benefit from talking to people in that line of work so he understands what the job is, and not just what it seems to be on paper.

Basically take his goal and work backwards to determine what steps he can take now to work towards it. It will likely be a mix of short and long term goals, and in the beginning could be as simple as showering regularly. Make sure that he understands not only the value of the goals he sets for himself and that they're tied to his long term goals. And make sure they're HIS goals, not goals you assume would be helpful. I spent years going down the wrong path because I thought it was what was expected of me, not because it was something I really wanted.

Your partner was partly right; it's possible there are things that will be hard for him. Mostly your partner is wrong, though, because they seem to ASSUME that he'll fail. I work in mental health, and one thing I see time and again is that a person's capacity to recover and have a good life is founded on hope. I've worked on teams where the prevailing attitude is "we need to temper their expectations and protect them from getting hurt" and the outcomes are far worse than the teams where the attitude is "We're not sure if they're ready for X, so what can they do now that will get them closer to X, and how can we support them?"

It sounds like your partner may have fallen down the rabbit hole of internet horror stories. The problem is that people rarely post to say how awesome things are, so you mostly see the bad stories. This introduces two biases:

1) that the content of their post is reflective of the person's whole life, rather than simply a partial view of one aspect of their experience, and

2) that ADHD means that each and every horror story is the norm.

There are plenty of people who have ADHD and are wildly successful (e.g. Bill Gates) and there are plenty more who are happy and modestly successful like myself. An ADHD diagnosis does not determine someone's future; it simply helps show that one must be mindful of one's strengths and challenges, and adapt.