abusive words

[evgeniya1989]

How do you deal with abusive words? lately our son will just use all kind of bad words for us if he is unhappy and then in one click can come and ask something politely.(which triggers me as mom so much). When being sad that his words hurt our feelings he would just say I dont care. HOwever there are moments in his brain that you can see that he is a careing boy. Do you use any consequences for that type of behaviour or mainly talk explaninng why it is not good and what to say instead?

[Hidden]

My son is the same. He will use all the vulgar language when he is refusing to do his homework. Basically it’s because ADHD brain doesn’t have right connections in the brain where it’s responsible for impulse control. You know, it’s like us adults- we might not want to do some chore but we won’t be shouting about it and abusing other people verbally because we are cross that we have to do that chore. We might just swear in our thoughts or mumble it.

Also look at your situation at school. For example I can see currently my son is taking much more on us parents at home. But this is because he’s been bullied at school and there are incidents pretty much daily and it’s numerous children. So he’s very stressed and it shows at home- angry outbursts directed at us parents.

[Southpaw]

My sibling who works with neuro-diverse children swears by this:

Try ignoring it like you the words themselves turn off your ability to hear. For this to work, you have to do it 100% consistently for as long as it takes-- weeks even. With a young child, it can work to say, "I can't hear hurtful words anymore, did you say something?" With an older child, you can tell them one time, when they are calm, what will happen when they are not (that you'll ignore them), and you can give them suggestions of phrases to say instead along the lines of, "I'm very upset." It can be really hard not to respond, but every time you do react to the words, you may be starting over because they are getting attention.

[GoDukes]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but I agree with others that I think this is a result of their lack of impulse control and their inability to communicate their frustration properly. I've been dealing with this with my 13 yr old son for years. I try not to get angry with him because that just makes things worse. In a calm stoic way, I explain that the way he is speaking to me is very inappropriate and unacceptable. Sometimes I will punish him if it is way over the line but most pf the time I let it go and don't let him see that it bothers me. He is doing it to get to me in the moment so I can't let that happen. I believe that it is important that he sees me stay calm as a good example for him. Things tend to escalate a lot more when he butts heads with his mother because she gets so angry and he feeds off of that. I also have conversations with him when he is calm to explain how this behavior will hurt him and his relationship with others. I also agree with others that these kids do use a lot of energy trying to show restraint in school and public situations and end up letting it out when they are at home. Good luck!

[Hidden]

We have experienced the same, and honestly the worst thing you can do it react to it. I know how hurtful it can be, and it used to be a really big trigger for me as his mom. Once we started ignoring his hurtful words, he took things to a new level because he was so used to getting a reaction. It took a long time to break this cycle, but it does get better once he realizes we won’t respond anymore. It sounds so easy just to ignore, but trust me I understand it’s close to impossible some days. I’ve had to physically leave the house in order not to respond. Once you understand that his words don’t mean anything, you’ll get better at ignoring the hurtful language. It took me a long time to understand that this was his way of showing us something else was bothering him and he couldn’t communicate it. I know he didn’t want to act this way, rather he was screaming for help in the only way he knew how at the time.

[jolinn]

I think it is best to find out why he is using those words and where he is learning them from.