20 year old son concerns and worries.

[OCMOM]

We are parents to a 20 year old son with ADHD. He went away to college and failed after one semester. He refused to do the work. Since April 2021, he has been living in our home. He does not drive and shows no interest in getting his license. He is now working in a supermarket full-time. Sometimes he is late to work because he spends hours on line on his phone and sleeps in. He refuses to shower or brush his teeth. He is very disrespectful and calls me names. He does take his ADHD medication which is good. He has no friends. He has connected with the LBGTQ community on line and we found out he is Transgender. He ordered hormones from an on line pharmacy. We found out and told him we would support his exploring transgender but he needs to have a real doctor who can monitor him. He refuses to make an appointment. We are at a loss of what to do. Any advise would be much appreciated.

[50thanniversaryvette]

First, take away the medication hormones and tell him (with tough love) that you will Always love him and support him but you will not allow medications into the home that are not properly monitored. The LGBTQ community can be a good group of friends and hopefully supportive as a friend group. Second, again tough love… he can move out or go to community college & start with 2 courses while working at the supermarket. You will be supportive but in order to live at home there are rules and boundaries. Or, he has to move out. It’s part of tough love but once they get on their own they tend to figure out a lot of how the real world works… they tend to want to come home pretty fast… Unfortunately, whatever you say you must not go backwards on your word. Another thought is that if he’s living at home you no longer allow phones or computers to be used or into his bedroom after 8pm. They get placed in your bedroom on a charger & he gets them returned in the morning After he’s ready for work & on time… I say 8 as many with ADD/ADHD have a difficult time getting ready for bed (among everything else we have a hard time getting ready for). My daughter has ADD (& maybe I do as well but I had no one else to direct me in my teen years & was on my own by 17 so I forced myself into “habits” which I still struggle with but I manage) Are you driving him to & from work? If so, that needs to stop & he can ride a bicycle, bus or walk.. you can also give deadlines of this date for your online drivers Ed class, this date for permit, this day for xyz & this day for having your license by. I finally broke it down for my daughter into chunks of time where we pushed her to do the online course, then get permit, & finally license. She still has little interest in driving & I really believe it’s with MANY kids their age but with us in our age group a license meant “freedom”. Their world is inside & virtual on the computer & they do not realize the importance of driving now to gain experience for their futures. It’s something we broke down and had to really push onto our teen in order to get that license. Ofc she missed every deadline but it was close to those dates & we worked w her to come up w new timelines.

As for him being late to work he has to do the work to get their on time. If he doesn’t get his electronics back till he is all ready for work I bet he gets ready in time. We’ve done this & it’s the ONLY thing she understood… her currency 💴 is her electronics so she has to have them out of the room early & doesn’t get them returned till she’s ready for school… it was a lot of complaining & being mad, angry some yelling but we stuck to it & life is so much better for all of us now.

As for the self grooming… that is a tough one because you want him to be presentable. Unfortunately, it has to come from his work or peers… when someone says,”hey man, take a shower!” It will stay with him for ever & he will do it … same with brushing hair etc. as parents they tune us out as we don’t know anything & we are nagging… but if a work boss has to say something personal about Hygeine or a peer it normally will change behavior pretty quickly. It’s something that has to happen from the outside of the home….

I am sorry he’s struggling so much as well as you. With him being 20 it may be time to give tough love 💗 with care… the more we do for our kids to help them the more they expect it, depend upon it and will fall later on. The younger they are the better to start giving the choices of school & work or move out and live on your own. My words sound harsh but for us these are the only things that have worked so far. I did so much for my daughter because I didn’t want her to fall or fail but I wasn’t helping her in the long term it only hurt her as she was not learning to do things all on her own. The more of a hands off approach we have done the more she has learned how to figure things out. A lot of falling & failures but she’s learning from it and learning which things work better for her.

Good luck my dear. God Bless

[Yellow-cello in reply to 50thanniversaryvette]

I agree with all of this advice and though they will complain, I think deep down they need/want someone to structure them and nudge them toward independence since at the moment they don’t have the internal skills or motivation to do it themselves. You will need to be tough and you can do it! I agree also about treating the depression and finding support for yourself as well. Hugs

[Lingerly]

If your child is identifies as trans and is now openly exploring their gender identity, it is important to support that path. You may want to draw a connection between the hormone therapy and their ADD medication as a reason for working with a medical professional--to ensure that they have the best possible outcomes. Despite what others have recommended, I would not take away the hormone therapy, but would encourage them to access that medication from a more reliable source than online (or at least have their GP approve the online pharmacy as a reliable one).

You are referring to your child as your "son" even though they indicated that they identify as trans. I believe it would go a long way to ask your child how they wish to be identified and what is their preferred pronouns. Some of what you have seen in terms of hygiene, disrespect, lethargy, and so forth, may be directly traced to their grappling with gender identity. Once they are assured that this is supported by you, they will grow in their own self-acceptance. Some of the behaviors you described, while not unusual for people with ADHD, are also typical manifestations of depression. Is your child being treated for depression? That might be something to look into as well--although their gender transition appears to be the priority at this time--in which case the depressive behaviors may resolve itself.

I want to reinforce the recommendation of another poster that you seek out an organization such as PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gay)--pflag.org/ --to see if there is a local chapter. Likewise, it would be great if your child could find a local LGBTQ+ community with whom they could interact IN PERSON. The online is fine--an in person will bring even more benefit.

Your child is 20, so they are legally no longer a minor. It is important to find ways to respect their agency and decision making while also supporting them as they transition, both in gender identity and into independent adulthood. College--when the time is right, they can resume their studies. It sounds as though working full-time is enough on their plate for the moment.

[WYMom]

Rules and boundaries. If he can't abide by them then they can't live in your house. ADHD does cause time blindness and problems with college so look into resources to help. Set up systems that will set him up for success.

I also agree that hormones not properly monitored is a bad idea.

[Peerandparent]

Argh! My phone lost my long rambling response.

1) School. Refusing to do the work my be the wrong way to put it. I struggled in university because people with ADHD struggle with setting priorities, managing conflicting demands on our time, delayed gratification, and a host of other things. I survived university, but only because I was able to find ways to manage, avoid or accommodate my deficits. Friends and colleagues I could hold myself accountable to went a long way. Rather than saying they failed or that they refused to do the work, look at it as not figuring out how to adapt, accommodate or get support where they needed it.

2) Transgender. Online pharmacies should be outlawed. That being said, you mentioned they haven't seen a doctor, but you didn't mention what they identified as barriers to doing so. I get anxiety attacks pretty much any time I have to pick up the phone to call someone I don't know. I have a friend who is a trans woman and was terrified of going to a doctor because of horror stories and a fear of rejection (her experience ended up being amazing) especially given the lack of self-care and other things you've mentioned, I'd want the priority to be making sure they have someone looking out for their mental health. Pre-transition transgendered people have one of the highest suicide rates out there. That being said, self-medicating their transition probably isn't helping and is quite dangerous for a number of reasons. Do your best to understand their choices and help remove the barriers preventing them from making healthier ones. Also, not all LGBTQ communities are equal. Most are incredible, supportive and inclusive, while some are downright toxic. Keep your young adult engaged in conversation, both as a way of educating yourself and as a way of knowing how their community is.

3) Driving. I recommend against pushing on this. I'm in my late 40s and have never had my license, because I know myself well enough to know that I would get myself or someone else killed. Instead I work around it, and honestly it's more economical.

4) Communication. Do your best to focus on understanding the reasons for their decisions so you can help remove the barriers that prevent them from making better choices. Or perhaps they have valid reasons for doing something that seems to be a bad choice. If you catch yourself telling them something they should or shouldn't do, try to rephrase it. Should can carry a lot of guilt and judgement. So instead of "You should stop the hormones until you talk to a doctor" you could say "If you talked to a doctor about the hormone therapy, they could make sure that you're on the correct dosage, that there aren't any ill effects, and that you're safe. It also would help me stop worrying about your safety." Instead of "You should have a shower" you could say "If you had a shower as soon as you got home from work, you'd wash off some of the stress from the day, give you more energy, improve your sleep, and maybe help you feel more confident about socializing."

You have good cause to be concerned, and the best way to help him is by first understanding his choices, challenges, and barriers.

[PATSEY009]

Hi there, my son is doing the EXACT same thing. Will not shower, his room is filthy and disgusting. He refuses to do anything at all!!! My brother is gay and my nephew is transexual so I do know where you are coming from in a 'round-about-way'. It may be a bit tougher for your son FOR NOW, but never give up. He needs to talk with a doctor and/or counselor. You (mom) give him stability, certainty, and lots of love. He is still so young and be open with him...the world CAN be mean/nasty towards the LGBTQIA+. I actually had to get into arguments to DEFEND my brother. But first things first, keep treating his ADHD which could possibly turn to depression as well. (Facebook is really not a good place to start) I've been in nursing for 22 yrs and talked to many parents. God Bless and hang in there!