3 boys adhd

[Bunny5689]

I’m newish here but haven’t really posted yet. I have three boys 12,10, &8. We also have a cute 3 year old girl. ADHD runs in my family, I’m pretty sure my dad has it and my sister has two boys who were diagnosed as well. My husband and I have a hard time getting our boys to listen to us. They’ll be wrestling and it will get out of hand and if we intervene and tell them to stop many times just disregard what we say. When I started noticing these problematic behaviors in my boys we decided to have them tested. I’m still a little wary of the diagnosis because it’s based on a questionnaire in 3 different settings. We had my middle son diagnosed with adhd (inattentive type) this past summer. Once we got the ball rolling and found a pediatric psychiatric nurse practitioner we had my other two sons evaluated and it came up that my oldest has ADHD (combined type) and my youngest son too. My oldest take addersll 20 mg, my middle takes methylphenid, and my youngest gets an upset stomach with methylphenid and refused to take it my youngest son did seem to be more even keeled/focused when take the stimulant. I’m curious if there are other medications we should consider

They all do really well in school without accommodations, have straight A’s and generally love learning They don’t really like to read except for my middle son which I’m working on with them.

My husband many times makes me feel like I’m overly sensitive and we have different ideas about which behaviors are problematic or not. I think this has led to the kids thinking that they can get away with certain things or that they don’t have to listen to me. I’ve been in therapy for a long time (since 2014) for complex PTSD and have learned a lot of skills through that. I do my best to create a peaceful space for my children to grow and I’m constantly teaching them to be kind and to respect each other‘s boundaries but it is really hard.

We are dealing with a lot of anger, aggression, and fighting and it’s really hard to manage. Some days (moments) it’s great, they’re doing puzzles, or drawing. If they have screens like playing Minecraft or Roblox or watching a show or some thing they are usually really ornery after that. We try our best to limit technology but it’s a constant battle and they have taken to stealing screens after there allotted time is over. I’d like to get a safe for my birthday.

When my oldest son (12) doesn’t take his medicine he’s extremely impulsive fidgety is constantly tapping making noises with his mouth or bouncing a ball or just cannot sit still. He also picks fights with all his younger siblings. It’s really difficult having him around all the time. He’s good about taking medicine during the week for school doesn’t like taking it on the weekends. He’s stated he feels like there’s something wrong with him and has a hard time accepting being adhd and often tells us he’s autistic. I would love to find a good therapist but it’s expensive and we don’t have great insurance. Also the time factor is really hard. Also, finding a good fit sounds daunting. I’m not making excuses, just stating some of the hurdles.

There’s a lot of escalation to yelling and I think we would benefit from family therapy because the way we deal with conflict resolution in my opinion is not healthy and I am only one person in the dynamic. My husband deals with things by raising his voice/blaming and shaming (I know this doesn’t work) and although I’m not perfect, I take a more gentle/firm approach and I’m the main caregiver whose with them 85% of the time. We recently consulted with a behavior therapist who was highly trained for adhd and he started recommending that we do parent contracts and my husband refused. It got awkward after that and I will try anything if that’s what my kids need in order to keep them improving.

I wonder if focusing on my oldest might be the most helpful right now because he influences the younger two. He is very sensitive, perfectionistic, good at many things, a people pleaser, a doer, and he recently broke his wrist So all of the things he normally does to distract himself he doesn’t have access to currently. As his parents I feel like we’re only one voice and he has been increasingly more argumentative and doesn’t want to hear what we have to say.

I realize I posted a lot, I’m just looking for support and insight into what might be helpful for us. Thanks

[JamB11]

Check out ADHDdude for boy specific support.

[SurvivorFan in reply to JamB11]

Yes agree. Your husband may like his teaching style better as well. He has a parent training site that breaks it all down in videos. To get a feel you can check out his you tube videos.

[Bunny5689 in reply to SurvivorFan]

I subscribe to him and he’s great. Thanks for the idea.

[SurvivorFan in reply to Bunny5689]

I know its hard and can relate to sometimes you literally just don't want to be around your child when they are so dysregulated. Especially when your personality is more relaxed/quiet...It can be really hard to deal with. I dont have much other advise then have you tried re evaluating the meds he takes? Our son takes a stimulant along with guanfacine (non stimulant) and it really does make a difference. I know I would not be able to make it through the weekend if he was not taking his meds. My nerves would be fried and would not be able to function at my best. I also think if he is that dysregulated it cannot feel good to him. Everyone stressed out then results to blow ups because everyone in the house has had enough. (Been there then we added on afternoon stimulant and the guanfacine). Maybe he doesnt get Minecraft time on the weekends until he takes his meds? I don't know if you saw or not but Ryan recently put up 2 cartoon videos for kids to help them understand how adhd effects them and others. Maybe worth a try?

[Bunny5689 in reply to SurvivorFan]

Thanks you for these suggestions. Screen time has become a great incentive to do their responsibilities. I’m curious about Guanfacine as I’ve seen you and other parents mention it on there. I’m going to approach our dr. About it because the Ritalin doesn’t seem to be working it by itself. My kids tend to run anxious especially my middle boy. Curious if your son is inattentive or hyperactive type or combined. Thanks again.

[SurvivorFan in reply to Bunny5689]

My son is both hyperactive and inattentive. He also has anxiety. It got to the point last summer where he was so anxious it was physically effecting him. He would say his back, legs, fingers hurt. Headaches. And also really odd fears like bugs, going outside, going places in the house by himself. We ended up starting him on Fluxoteine and it made all of those irrational fears fade away. He does still have some social anxiety which from what I understand is pretty common in adhd kids so we use different strategies to work through that. It would be so nice if there was a direct med path for adhd instead of all the trial and errors! He currently takes guanfacine in the morning and late afternoon. This summer I would Like to try the longer acting version (Intuniv) at night to see if it can give some coverage in the am before the stimulant kicks in. My son seems to metabolize meds really quickly which is frustrating.

[Momtrying]

We cannot go one day without meds. My son takes his every day even throughout the summer. He also takes an afternoon dose to get through until bed. So that might be step one, figuring out how he can feel comfortable taking the medication on the weekends and really embracing that his brain just does something different, and it’s not necessarily wrong just different. I would agree that really focusing on the oldest one is going to help because trying to work on all three is probably too overwhelming. I’m sorry your husband isn’t super on board, I think you can do a lot of good on your own though because you are the primary caregiver. Keep trying, there will be days when you feel like you are failing but you are not, none of us are. We are just trying our best and that will count in the end.

[HoldingonLou]

Boy Moma you have your hands full. I am in awe of you. I don't know that I have any great advice to help but I have found alot of resources online and I must say those vidoes recommended are helpful. My son has adhd and yes, I see the difference when he takes his adderall but now that he's older he refuses. He too feels it means something is wrong with him. I have explained, we are human, every person has an issue to address. He doesn't have diabetes but adhd. I've explained medication helps the brain to focus better when you have adhd.

I must say but with three boys, alot of what you describe to me just sounds like boys growing up as siblings and doing what boys do. I'm not denying some may be the adhd but it's just a familiar scenario with male siblings and cousins. It sounds like those boys have alot of energy to get out. Now that things are opening back up after this covid mess, have you considered any sports for them. Maybe wrestling?? What are your boys interested in that gets them physically active and out of the house.

Is it possible at dinner, to ask each child how they feel and how things are going for each one. They probably have similar feelings. Sounds like you are really skilled in creating a safe place to talk about challenges. I know for a fact it feels awkward at first and is hard to get the conversation going but in time it will start to feel more natural. Talking at dinner could pull of of you together. I am so struggling with my own kids right now with that.

[Bunny5689 in reply to HoldingonLou]

Thank you for the validation and your perspective is a breath of fresh air! Yes, they have a ton of energy and our extended family is mostly boys too. I love my boys and their energy, I’m just very sensitive to noise and aggression but I’m learning to expect some of that behavior. I grew up with 1 sister (5 years older) and we just didn’t have the same dynamic i have. I wouldn’t change it, its just a lot. Noise cancelling headphones help during the evening when everyone is a little batty. We do a lot of active things, and they do play baseball. Thank you for the kind words, i try to create a safe space for everyone to feel heard (something I didn’t really get growing up), but I like your idea about asking each one how its going with conflict/resolution, etc.

[bear240]

Hi. I agree that looking for more opportunities for exercise may help. I understand there is evidence for martial arts for adhd but all exercise is super important. Good luck

[Bunny5689 in reply to bear240]

We might start biking to school in the mornings/afternoons. They play baseball a few times a week and we go to parks etc. We tried two different martial arts. Aikido, and another one. That was before diagnosis and they had a hard time focusing and just wanted to karate chop each other and everything. I’d like to revisit it again for summer maybe. Any tips on which type?

[HoldingonLou in reply to Bunny5689]

Me again. I have a friend who put his kids in Tae Kwan Do but in seperate classes. He asked around until he found the right teacher. Some have different focuses. This specific teacher focused on self control with every move. He would put tape lines on the floor for each person to stand within their block. They had to focus their body & moves with the tape. Each person had boundaries. Happy hunting.

[cindaroo]

When our son was two years old and completely uncontrollable in any setting, my husband disagreed with me that his behavior was of great concern. He believed that he will grow out it. Just the terrible twos.Well, fast forward nearly 13 years later. And although it would’ve been nice it definitely wasn’t a phase of the terrible twos

[bear240]

I don't think The research recommends specific types of martial arts. I too think that it is about finding teachers who have an understanding of the kid's challenges. One of the specialist OT businesses here also provide these classes with a teacher. Maybe something like that near you. Best of luck.