No diagnosis yet...it seems like ADHD, at least

[mom_mommy_mama]

Hi! I recently began the process of having my 11 year old daughter assessed for ADHD...it's moving pretty slowly and Kaiser has not really communicated much with me about the process. I have always known that something neurological is going on with her, but as she gets older, it's getting trickier. I think my husband and I were holding out hope that as she got older she would develop more self-regulation skills, more organization skills, etc. But...no. She is chaos. If I started listing all the ways in which her behaviors scream "ADHD," I could write pages. I feel like I have been trying to give her strategies, but I also feel like I have failed her. Like I have not given her enough strategies, or I have not put enough energy into supporting her needs. Like if I didn't have to work full time to help support the family, I could ahve helped her more. Just being honest.

I think I'm here because her behaviors really trigger my husband/her dad. Despite knowing that we are pursuing help/support for her and that we suspect ADHD (something neurological at least), he continues to not just be constantly frustrated (okay, I mean, of course he is...it's frustrating, annoying behavior!!) but he is very "blame-y" with her and expresses his frustration regularly. Not in great ways. For instance, the other day, as we were talking about yet another broken rule (or whatever, I can't even remember now, it's one thing after another)...in our VERY small house...he was saying things that essentially amounted to "why can't she be like other kids?" I told him it was inappropriate, I told her that I know she heard that and that she is exactly the kid I want (though of course I want to support her in developing strategies to help her flourish), but it doesn't really change anything. He still daily expresses his disappointment and frustration with her. I know for a fact that she feels like a failure and disappointment. I cannot convince her otherwise. The kid is frustrating, this is so true. She does ALL THE THINGS! I'm a special ed teacher, so I see these behaviors all the time in kids at work and so maybe my frustration threshold is lower? Maybe I have more acceptance that it's neurological? Also--I can't lie, despite seeing it in kids at work all the time, I think I was in a bit of denial about my child having ADHD. At some point all her behaviors were just so...HER. She has always been like this! For a long time I was really just focused on the sensory processing stuff, managing that because it really did impact a lot.

I just need a place to get this out. I'm not meeting a lot of success in my conversations with my husband, who is struggling himself with a tendency to focus on blame and frustration that everything we (but really it's ME that manages her primarily) have been doing to support her. The reality is that he wants her to be someone she isn't. He's comparing her to other kids, to his friends' kids who just "do the right thing," or who don't regularly have high-pitched, whining tantrums (oh it's a terrible sound, it really is!) or who are not walking explosions or...all the stuff. Just all the stuff.

I'm going to stop here. I could keep going on. I am surprised that I am actually now actively trying to get a diagnosis for her, that I am anxious to just hear someone tell me something that will make it all make sense for a minute. I feel like I need that official determination more for my husband than for me. Like if it's official then maybe he will cut her some more slack. I think that because it's probably true. Do I also hope that medication will be suggested? Yes and no. If it helps her, yes. But medicating my kid? I can't say in general I'm into the idea. Am I worried that the doctors won't see it, that Zoom interviews won't reveal it or she didn't demonstrate inattention on the Connors attention test? Yes. That they will end up saying "Yeah, we just don't see it." and then I'm stuck with her dad settling on the fact that she is a failure and deliberately relishing her chaos.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!

[Onthemove1971]

Welcome to the group ! We are here for you any time. Our family has Kaiser and here are the steps we took (clearly many years before COVID). 1. Attend basic class on ADHD 2. If you are convinced she has ADHD schedule an Appt. with the psychologist that taught the class. Decide on the intervention.

We are glad you have a place to be heard.

A few thoughts, most children with adhd functional about 2 years younger than their physical age. Most kids benefit greatly from 3 tools: an education plan, thearpy and medication. Once all 3 of these tools are set up, things really start to improve for them.

Most families have concerns about medication. The medications that are recommended are great and reduce the symptom ( excessive talking, impulsive behavior, lack,of focus, etc..) so they can start to become successful. When medication is the correct type, dose and given at the correct time they can change their/everyone’s lives.

There are many questions on this site that you can learn from by searching on a topic. This is a long challenging journey but the good news is that maturity helps our children a lot.

We all welcome you and hope you get answers soon. Big hug for your struggles.

[mom_mommy_mama in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thanks!I did the parent group meeting, the forms, my child did in-person attention test, and today she had a one-to-one session...still part of the assessment I assume?

I’m just wondering how many sessions it takes before I will get an indication of their position.

I will just see. And continue to keep my cool.

I need an outlet for this! Also, right now, I feel like I’m in limbo.

But thank you!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to mom_mommy_mama]

As far as worring about if she has it, children with ADHD have symptoms that they would be able to determine. As far as other things, I am don't know how they would diagnosis those. But if all.of the symptoms impact development then they should be able to make a determination. Did they tell you how long it would take?

If you are interested you could ask about thearpy. They will go over everything as soon as the decide.

Our son also see a psychiatrist through Kaiser since he has other medical conditions where his medication needs to be monitored.

I have found that overall Kaiser has been very supportive and we have gotten all the support he has needed.

Keep us up to date once you know what they decide.

[mom_mommy_mama in reply to Onthemove1971]

I think also that Covid is a complication--so much has gotten worse with the isolation and distance learning. I'm sure there is hesitancy to diagnose ADHD when it could be the result of these new environmental factors. It's just that I know they predate Covid!I will check in when they update me.

Thanks for the support!

[MVinSeattle in reply to mom_mommy_mama]

Hi there, so glad you’re here. Are you beginning therapy with a psychologist then? I’m a little confused. Or is she being evaluated by a neuropsychologist who can rule out any other learning or development issues (ASD, SPD, etc) and who can confirm for you that it is adhd or not. I highly recommend you have her evaluated by a neuropsychologist and ASAP.

It sounds like she is suffering and you all deserve to know what it is that she is dealing with so that she can get the accurate help that she needs. And also the specific support that you and your husband need going forward. The evaluation will also help you If you need to make specific requests for school accommodations or on finding a therapist or in choosing medication.

We waited until almost 11 to have my son evaluated and I wished we had done it at age 5 when teachers were noticing his challenges too. It wasn’t until my husband saw the detailed findings and recommendations from the neuropsychologist that he finally accepted our son’s diagnosis (combined type adhd).

We can empathize with you and the exhaustion and desperation to help your child. So glad you’re reaching out and taking steps forward. <3

[Momchiz in reply to mom_mommy_mama]

Hello! I just wanted to encourage you. You are on the right track by getting the testing and when you get your daughter the support she needs, you might be surprised that you wake up one day and realize the day before was better...and then better days become more consistent. When you get your daughter on a support plan that works for you her (my daughter for example is supported by a combination of medication, a play therapist, a 504 at school and neurofeedback therapy) you may have a chance to see a different side of her...things in her that are amazing. Kiddos with ADHD are indeed not like other kids, but there are things about my daughter with ADHD that my other kids don’t measure up to. She is creative and artistic and witty and she never lets anything bring her down. One thing my therapist shared was “think about what it is like to constantly have people being frustrated at your actions that you have no idea are not normal, because to you they are natural and normal. You live life with people telling you to ‘stop it’ and ‘noooo don’t do that’ and ‘arrrghhh what is wrong with you’ to things you just naturally do.” That is what your daughter deals with all.the.time...and maybe you can think about how strong she actually is to live like that. It’s quite a different perspective to think about.

I was also very hesitant to put my daughter on medication, but I did and I saw her be the best version of her. Nothing is forever, but so I told myself just try the medication short term. It made a huge difference and I felt like I was actually holding her back if I did not give it to her. She felt more confident seeing herself be able to do things she wasn’t able to do before and then others reacted positively too and a whole positive cycle started and then she behaved differently when she felt better about herself.

We have been on medication for about a year and we recently had to add another dosage after school because she was working so hard at school and then came home and wanted to tune out and couldn’t do her at home responsibilities. These little adjustments will be part of your life supporting her and once you have the diagnosis you will start the journey and then follow her development and react with changes as necessary.

Maybe this doesn’t and hasn’t worked for everyone, but I just want to give you hope. I was at my wits end with my daughter and we still have our days and during covid we struggled with school at home, but we also have good days. I see her as an individual and yes she is completely different from my other kids, but we are her parents and we have adjusted our perspectives and our approach to create an environment with the right support in place for her. It’s a different formula than with our other kids. Our other kids also had to adjust the way they co-exist with her and hopefully your husband will come around too. Give him a chance to see things through a different lens...maybe start with a calm conversation about this and invite him on the journey to getting your daughter the diagnosis and support she needs so she can be the best version of her...maybe he will find some hope in the potential of a future different than the past.

What a strong momma you are. Hang in there. You are not alone...

[Redpanda5]

I am so sorry you have so many worries! Husband not on board, testing maybe not proving ADHD, medication. Breathe. You are in good company on this site and you have been given good advice.

Husband not on board.

Ugh. You are so not alone in this. Some come around. Some don’t. It really depends on your husband’s personality type. Mine never did come around and sadly I believe he will be exiting the marriage soon. I pray that this aspect goes better for you.

Testing not proving ADHD.

If your daughter indeed does have ADHD then the right testing will evidence this. My two children who both have ADHD went through two extensive six hour testing sessions with a psychologist for the determination. Teachers also filled out forms. Both parents as well. The doctors approach this from many angles and look at time so don’t worry about COVID overshadowing it. They will uncover that this existed well before COVID. The results are super detailed so I can’t imagine the diagnosis being “missed.”

Medication.

This will be a game changer and I think most of us at one point or another have felt negative about giving our children medication. I’ve said it before and I'll say it again —— it levels the playing field. Medication brings them to the starting point where their peers are. It gives them the chance to feel what everyone else is experiencing ——- that is huge. Picture students being given a school standardized test on a beautiful mountaintop outlook in comfortable desks, but not your child. She is required to take hers while dangling off the edge.

ADHD won’t go away - ever. Over time though hopefully your child will own the process. My older one who is in college realizes now that he needs his medication to get things done. He also realizes that he needs to surround himself with people who are in his corner and unfortunately this will never be his dad so the relationship is nearly dead now. My daughter’s therapist once told me to ask my husband what type of relationship he wants to have in the future with his daughter (friction vs harmony). The relationship must be valued more than being right. Some people can’t get to that belief and will suffer loss as a result. If he can’t let go and accept who she is, their relationship will likely suffer and potentially die when they are adults.

Hang in there and do whatever you need to do to help your child. My kids and I are very close and they know I’m there for them even as they’ve become independent. They know I won’t judge when they get in a jam. I’ve been told by so many doctors - “YOU are the expert on your child.” The process is hard but I sense that you have the fire in your belly. Your child is lucky to have you. Press on.