Help! Divorce and Child Trouble

[Goddessglam]

I'm 46...going through a nasty divorce after being married for 21 years. My 9 year old is feeling it...she has ADHD, ODD, PICA, AND ANXIETY DISORDER. Along with virtual school...we r left destitute. Things are so incredibly hard...I'm bi polar and have anxiety disorder as well. Where do I start???

[N_37]

I'm not sure if i'm the best to answer this, but I want to reply anyway so I can send you some light and warmth. This sounds incredible hard and I want to let you know it takes a lot of strength and bravery to reach out when things are really hard. So pat yourself on the back, that's a step in the right direction.

If it were me, I would start simple. Make a list of the most basic things your daughter and you need and begin to find solitons. Stability is going to be your biggest ally here. When things are really hard, you'll need consistent shelter, food, and the ability to shower/take care of basic hygiene to feel like you have a solid foundation before tackling the big stuff. I'm not sure your situation, you use the word destitute, so do you have a place to stay? Or do you need find a new one? Can you find a trusted friend of family member that will let you stay with them? Start there. Find a place you can go to slowly pick up the pieces sand then make a plan. Once you check that off, go down your list. Consistent meals for you and your daughter (you can't deal with the hard stuff when you're hungry.) So on and so forth.

Next perhaps a good step would to start a simple routine you and your daughter can follow together, every-single-day. Something that has been a game changer for my stepson who has to go between households is a routine he can fall back on when he feels out of control. He knows when he comes home to us, things will be dependable and the same. He knows what to expect and he doesn't have to work hard to figure out dynamics, how to plan tasks, etc. He knows what order things happening and he can anticipate that without ambiguity. He may need help every step of the way on some days, but at least it's not brand new.

In my opinion, I would check in with your daughter's teachers. Let them know what is happening and see how they can offer your daughter support. There are angels in the school system - they're out there, helping kids shine when they need it most. Lean on them if they're receptive to helping. My mother is a social worker, and I can say with 100% certainty her involvement with children and teens who needed a little extra light in their lives went a long way. Just knowing there are adults who care means a heck of a lot. It doesn't have to be much, it can just be a 5 minute daily check in at the beginning or end of class for example. I know that our step son's diverse learner teacher has been so kind in doing check ins like this. It's really made remote learning better.

Lastly, I want to reiterate that I am in no position to giving such heavy handed advice, so take or leave this advice and know that there's a million ways to solve an issue. Do what you feel is right and make sure you take care of yourself so you have the ability to take care of your daughter. I wish you so much light and luck on this matter.

[Goddessglam in reply to N_37]

Thank u for ur reply. When I say "DESTITUTE"...I'm meaning we have a home...he left me with all the bills. I get a small disability check and he gives us no money. I'm grateful for all the places that are sympathetic to my plight. He's left back due bills everywhere and they've put me in help or small payment plans. She has a psychiatrist and 2 therapist plus her school is wonderful. She has tutoring and help 3 to 4 times a week...most of the time she refused to do school work. I've tried routine after routine but it gets messed up with her "fits" and ODD which has reared its ugly head since all this happened. With her dad she's well behaved and such because she gets everything she wants where as me being the full time mom I make and stick to consequences such as taking electronics and fun privelages away. We have a behavior plan and everything. So we are good with a home and food and all necessities. Her father and I only talk through text and only about her. He puts all his extra in and I tell this isn't about her so he needs to only text about her. My anxiety is through the roof but I'm on meds for that. I have a winder supportive family who I turn to for everything. It's just knowing I'm not alone in this that helps. Some days I feel so strong and like I GOT THIS but some days I feel do week like I can't do anything and I know I will b ok with custody but the tiniest little piece of my mine says WHAT IF HE TAKES MY BABY SOMEHOW. She's my world regardless of the hard work and behavior problems.

[N_37 in reply to Goddessglam]

Ah okay, I totally get you. From here, it sounds like you're doing a really good job. I'm serious. This is hard work and you're putting the work in!!! You are going to be "the bad" guy when dad is giving in to all the wants, but let me tell you this - you being consistent, using discipline, having routines, and showing your daughter that it takes work to accomplish goals, that's going to suit her in the long run. Whenever you want to throw in the towel, remember this is a long game - and hard does not mean wrong, it just means that sometimes growing hurts - and you're helping you and your daughter grow and thrive every time you make the choice to be a parent with boundaries and good intentions. Be the leader your daughter needs and let her father choose the type of relationship he wants to have with her - I will assure you eventually she'll walk all over him and he'll wonder what happened. But she'll respect you if you keep teaching her what respect looks like. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Set them, enforce them. And at the end of each hard day, be kind of yourself, tell your daughter you lover her with the biggest of hugs - because you both can do the hard things !

[Onthemove1971]

When things settle down a little you could consider applying for assistance for your daughter, this may take a lawyer but may be worth it since your daughter issues will not go away. Big hugs for your struggle.. we are all here to support you.

[Goddessglam in reply to Onthemove1971]

I have a lawyer and we r ready for when court comes