ADHD and twins

[Skapfam]

Hi we have 6 year old twin girls and are in the process of assessments for the our one daughter for ADHD and anxiety. Are there other families with one complex needs twin and the other developmentally typical? It breaks my heart the bullying type behavior of the one towards the other, the way impulsivity and lack of understanding of how action leads to outcome, and the constant 'me first' and lack of empathy and even acknowledgement of her sibling damages their relationship. We struggle with this on a daily basis and maybe it is the same for any sibling but wondering of others have the same experience with twins. From day one it has been a constant battle to meet the needs of each baby/child as one's attention is always divided.....but as they have aged it seems to be more and more focus on our one daughter as her needs are much higher. How are you supporting both as best as possible? The guilt is astronomical.....

[Hidden]

I do not have sibling children, but I just wanted to give you a big HUG. I just cannot imagine the energy this must take for your family! You are in the right place for support. They are so young, but have you considered play therapy and family therapy? I'm just throwing stuff out there that I really don't even know about, but dang, this has to be SO HARD! Just big HUGS and hoping someone else has experience with this!

[Onthemove1971]

SKapfam- welcome to the group and just know that our support is with you on this challanging journey. When I was in graduate school I worked with a family with twins ( they were seniors in high school) one was Neuro-typical ( or very advanced) and the other struggled with many challenges. When I spent time with the family the one thing I contuined to ask and wonder why they didn't see a thearpist. Each person in the family found something that brought them joy and excitement and this helped them. The parents struggled with guilt and the brother was to young to realize the bright future a head of himself. Being a part of this family for the few weeks the assignment lasted was both life changing and educationally profound. I was able to make some suggestions that delivered joy to the child who was struggling.

I hope you can find other families like your to get support from. If not we can try our best to support you.

Big hugs for all you are trying to do for your children.

Take care,

[GoCougs]

Yes, yes, yes. I have 7 year old identical twin boys. Similar to you, one is typical and the other was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD (his dr said since they are identical, the typical child could start exhibiting similar symptoms at any time - ugh). He has appointments, medications and we always have to parent him differently. We also have a 9 year old daughter. We totally struggle with this same thing. His maturity level is lower than his age. This school year (we moved them to a charter school hoping the smaller environment will help him), but we only have one class, so they will be in the same class this year for the first time. They feed off each other and I am concerned about how this is going to go.

The past month has been insanely difficult with bad behavior, suspensions from his summer program, etc. For us, this past summer has been the most difficult of our lives.

He is on medication and we are on our third week of micro nutrients and he is seeming to settle down now. But it has been extremely stressful and expensive to get us to where we are right now. Trying to balance the attention is nearly impossible because our one son simply requires more from us than the other two. We've tried sending the other two to grandma's for special days or nights, and splitting the kids up for more individualized attention. We do whatever we can think of and it still seems like we are not doing it right.

I am so sorry, but please know I understand and can relate 100% to what you're going through. Please hang in there. You're doing the best you can.

[denak2]

Hi, I have 9 yo fraternal twin girls. One has adhd and the other is developmentally typical. It is always a struggle to make sure the adhd twin doesn't over shadow her sister. It's gotten better as they've gotten older and also since finding the right medication for the adhd twin. My husband and I take turns spending one on one time with each daughter. Also, we never put them in the same class and now they have different extracurricular activities. The twin wo adhd excels at everything so that's frustrating to her adhd sister who has many struggles. So, we've worked hard to find separate activities that they each can do. For example, One does basketball and the other musical theater. When the adhd daughter gets agitated, I try to separate them sons he doesn't lash out at her sister which she will do. Some days are better than others. Lately, it's been better but I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Let me know if you have specific questions. DK

[Mom2Twins2]

I have 9 1/2 year old twins. Boy and girl

My son is in meds for adhd. Yes they do constantly argue, but they have their moments where they get along. I love them both, but during the school year I am guilty of spending more time helping my son than my daughter. It’s a struggle but it gets better. My son has an IEP in school and has the advantage of having 2 teachers. I do always praise them both and find that my son always works better when I speak to him and tell him great he is as opposed to telling him what he’s not doing well with.

Best of luck to you, stay strong and keep in mind this is the first time your dealing with this, so you can’t expect to do everything perfect. We’re learning how to do all this. If you need a break here and then find a way to relax even if it’s just to take a 30 min walk.

[Skapfam]

Thank you everyone for your replies and support....I am finding this forum to be very supportive and insightful into the experience of parenting a child with ADHD and other complex needs. It is so nice to know we are not alone in our struggles - even when we try to celebrate the positives and reinforce the good behaviors when they are happening - we are always on high alert for that instance when something will set her off. Family members and friends who dont understand just tell us to "relax" and not create problems where there aren't any (GAH!!!!). But as I've read in other forums not to waste any more energy on fighting against it but just to accept the situation for what it is because unless you live it day-in day-out there is no point of reference for understanding it. And as I have learned over the past few years I would rather use my energy on providing that support for my daughter or conserving that energy for my own self-care than trying to convince others there are problems as its exhausting! We expend enough energy with the schools and doctors etc trying to get our daughter the supports she needs. And as many of you have mentioned yes we have reached out for parenting and behavioral supports and hopefully connecting with counsellors in the near future. It is a process but hopefully we are on the right track. Just taking it day by day one breathe at a time as needed