Help

[WendyD1969]

My son and I are in complete meltdown and I am not going to sugar coat it, my husband is being an ass! We decided that my son’s supplements weren’t working anymore but we were so wrong! This has been the worst week with tantrums. Now my son is refusing to take the supplements and is in complete meltdown mode. My husband is yelling and imitating him. He is saying my son is spoiled and doesn’t understand it is the ADHD. I am just in my room crying. I don’t know what to do. We are supposed to leave for my moms in 5 minutes. That’s not happening! I am feeling helpless and awful! I don’t know what to do.

[Pennywink]

Hi Wendy - I’m sorry to hear that. I know you mentioned a few months ago about the supplements seeming to lose effectiveness, as well.

Have you discussed these concerns & behaviors with your son’s pediatrician, or a psychologist, psychiatrist or possibly a neurologist? ADHD is a real brain-based medical condition, and a trained physician would be the best person to guide treatment options to help your child.

My husband use to be in denial about ADHD and how to handle my son, but including him in all communications with doctors & teachers, and bringing him to all appointments and meetings really helped out.

Best of luck helping your son & your family!

[WendyD1969 in reply to Pennywink]

Thank you! We have actually gone to play therapy and a holistic psychiatrist. She did a bunch of tests and we are going in a week to hear the results. We have done a lot but it doesn’t seem to help much. My husband has been involved but he doesn’t seem to take it to heart. This is so hard.

[Onthemove1971]

WendyD1969-

First let's start with a big hug... we have all been there. Please know that where you are today is not where you "can" be with supports and "tools" that can help your son, which in turn helps you and your relationship. Men and women see this journey very different. I wonder if your husband and speak to others fathers that for farther along in the journey.

What works for us ( most research also shows) medication ( this is a Neurological condition), parent training ( teaching things like when you think they are lying don't questions use statements) and supports in school. Also a predictable schedule helps can assist when needed.

I will also add that it is common for some parents to use the "spoiled" term, but this in my eyes is more a coping issue on both parents. For the mom it is more comforting than fighting and for the dad, don't give to much. You guys will find a happy medium.

I hope these experiences help, sometimes you might need to just leave a situation to cool down.. just say ju oi need space and go get coffee.

More hugs! We are always here for you when you need us.

[WendyD1969 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you so much! Reading this helps a lot! I really appreciate it more than you know.

[Crunchby in reply to Onthemove1971]

Excellent advice. Nothing to add.

[Cjkchamp]

Preach it sister! All I can say is I am sorry and I feel the same way!

[Testarossa1975]

Wendy, my heart goes out to you. I have struggled with helping my son with his tantrums too, and often I have felt alone in what seems like a constant battle. I can get worked up when the tantrums happen, but I am getting better at showing indifference by non-verbally carrying on with something else and not responding verbally or emotionally to his behavior. This is really hard sometimes, but it has definitely decreased the duration and severity of his tantrums. As others have said, ADHD is a brain-based disorder. Unfortunately that is hard for many people to accept, because people with ADHD can seem neurotypical some of the time. This creates the wrong impression that the undesirable behaviors are a result of poor parenting and/or the child not trying.

I would encourage you to look for a mental health professional (such as a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker) who is dedicated to working with families dealing with ADHD. If you can find someone like this, they could help you navigate the challenges you face, and emotionally it's good to have someone on your side who is not looking to blame you, but to support you. This person could also help with educating your husband about ADHD and help the two of you be aligned in your parenting strategies. Your husband may be reluctant to meet with a therapist, and it may take some time for him to be willing, but you could remind him that your goal is to find solutions that will help and ask him to consider what there would be to lose by seeing a therapist.

I am hoping you find the answers and support you need very soon. Hang in there!

[WendyD1969 in reply to Testarossa1975]

Thank you for your response. We have gone to a therapist for my son but I agree. I think it is time for my husband and I to go to someone also. Thank you again.

[Reeeba1]

I wish you all the best. I know you said you are trying a non-med approach which we did as well. We tried omega fatty acids, eliminating sugar and gluten, essential oils, occupational therapy both private and through the school, listening therapy, everything. All I can say is, it works until it doesn’t. I know the idea of trying meds can be hard. But when you find the right one... well from my experience, we went from screaming meltdowns to (most of the time) pretty level headed behavior and greatly improved grades. For us the grades were not the biggest concern - it was knowing that my son was struggling and unhappy with his low grades, awful handwriting, impulsive behavior and more. My son knows how he gets without his meds and prefers his behavior with it. It’s a tool like anything else... and it has pros and cons. But when you are at your wits end, like I was... you look at risks vs benefits. I wasn’t sure anymore that my son was better off without them and for us I was right. That was the case for us anyway. I wish you luck on your journey. And by the way, my husband also struggles with understanding the condition. It’s led to some huge arguments. Good luck...

[WendyD1969]

I am starting to think it may be time for medication. I am going to see how this holistic doctor goes next week and then if I don’t see improvement we will have to go that route. My sanity can’t take it anymore.

[Pennywink in reply to WendyD1969]

We’ve all been there! I know I was nervous to finally start medication (and I wasn’t even dead set against it.) But I have no doubt that right now it is the best treatment option for my child - finding the right med has made a drastic difference. Like Onthemove said, combined with proper parent training & school accommodations, it has dramatically improved our lives. My husband - who had been completely against medication, is now the one of us who feels it is the most important.

Best of luck - I know it’s a rough journey. Be sure to keep us posted!

[WendyD1969]

i am so glad things have improved for you. It is so hard at times. I am open to medication. I just want to try this one last thing with the holistic doctor.

[Janice_H]

Hi Wendy, so sorry you are going through such nonsense. Your husband should be more supportive, but many times the spouse just does not understand. You should consider getting your son on medication to better manage the tantrums. It will bring some calming to the home and reduce your stress load so you can get back to feeling like yourself. Consider therapy as well for the family also. Hope your days are better.

[WendyD1969 in reply to Janice_H]

Thank you!!

[Crunchby]

Wendy, The medications did not hit home for me until I saw my daughter's genetic report. the report clearly showed (in red) how she was over-producing a dopamine killing enzyme. What dopamine does I learned from this video. The god of ADHD, IMO

BEST free video on ADHD. Your husband would learn a lot from it. Mine did. youtu.be/SCAGc-rkIfo(Not working as expected?)

[Pennywink in reply to Crunchby]

This video was also the biggest eye opener for me as well! Everything finally started to “click” in understanding what we are dealing with.

[WendyD1969]

Thank you! I’m at work now but will definitely watch it tonight!