Hello all, let me introduce myself.
My son (five years old) was recently diagnosed ADHD. I was upset but in a way relieved since it explained a lot of his behavior, which until that point I had wholly blamed myself for.
Here's the complication: his mother, my wife, has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you're not familiar with BPD, the short answer is she can go from normal to raging and disassociated in 30 seconds. Recent behaviors include hitting me while I was sleeping next to our 2 year old daughter, trying to make two year old daughter pee on the floor so I had to clean it, and cutting half my wardrobe to shreds. Not a good environment for children and I'm doing everything I can to improve it. She has also recently acknowledged her illness and is taking some first steps.
Here's problem 1): This means its hard to distinguish how much of his negative behaviors are coming from ADHD and what are coming from home environment.
Here's problem 2): dealing with mama's problems leaves me so emotionally used up that I have very little energy to give son and am becoming a really bad father (screaming at him, grabbing him when he won't stop running around).
Today is a first step, coming here to learn more about ADHD and hopefully get some context by which to determine how to better understand and help my son.
Looking forward to connecting with everyone here and hearing your insights!
~RolandOfEld
I wish you had a local support system but maybe there are groups in the area. I love Google for that kind of research. Or, if there is a mental health center, they may be able to help you find further support. There's nothing like having a group of people who are experiencing similar things to share with and learn from. I need to find an ADHD parent support group here! (I'm better at advice than at doing.) Try and remember that you too are under a lot of stress and forgive yourself when you make mistakes like yelling when you don't mean or want to. I've found that apologizing for my own outbursts has modeled the behavior for my little guy and now he does the same. We all make mistakes. We all try to do the best by our kids. And as Dr. House says, "all parents screw up all children." 
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Oh man! You seriously have your hands full. I work in the Mental Health/Substance Abuse field as a counselor so I completely understand your situation. I know this is hard to hear but...you should send your wife to inpatient treatment until she gets a handle on her BPD and learns the coping skills necessary to nurture healthy relationships. Her BPD may be contributing to your children's behavior because this is their "normal." Every household has a different "normal" that contributes to how they behave, at home and in the community. Do you think you could handle being a single dad for a while so that their mother can get her s**t together? Better to have one parent teaching boundaries, responsibilities and social norms than having two parents with varying lessons.
I honestly wish you the best of luck with this sticky situation. BPD is very difficult to deal with but most women eventually grow out of it as they learn the coping skills necessary to deal with their emotions. BPD is often a result of severe childhood trauma and that can be treated with therapy and a process called EMDR. It's an eye movement treatment that changes the traumatic thoughts into "normal" ones that no longer haunt the patient. Look into it! I know that it works....first hand! I've been utilizing it for my own issues.
Keep us posted!
Hi kirahush, I really appreciate your feedback, especially from your professional background, thank you!
The status right now is that my wife is aware of her condition and taking steps to get better. She sees the psychiatrist and takes her medication religiously. She sees a counselor from time to time and we also go together sometimes. And she is reading books to help her escape "black and white" thinking.
She is about to start her dream job after 4 years of taking care of the kids at home so unfortunately there is no way she would join a hospital program right now. The job may help her mood a lot. So I will make do.
But she's not there yet and stuff still happens like I described. When it does, I go into "single dad" mode like you mentioned and pretend she's not there and just focus on keeping things as normal for the kids as I can.
My son's behavior has been getting more extreme recently, such as intentionally peeing on the floor several times a day. As said, I don't know if this is the environment or his ADHD progressing as he gets older. I'm trying to get myself educated to cope with his situation better instead of putting so much focus on my wife.
Yours,
RolandOfEld