Son with ADHD, mother with BPD

Oh man! You seriously have your hands full. I work in the Mental Health/Substance Abuse field as a counselor so I completely understand your situation. I know this is hard to hear but...you should send your wife to inpatient treatment until she gets a handle on her BPD and learns the coping skills necessary to nurture healthy relationships. Her BPD may be contributing to your children's behavior because this is their "normal." Every household has a different "normal" that contributes to how they behave, at home and in the community. Do you think you could handle being a single dad for a while so that their mother can get her s**t together? Better to have one parent teaching boundaries, responsibilities and social norms than having two parents with varying lessons.

I honestly wish you the best of luck with this sticky situation. BPD is very difficult to deal with but most women eventually grow out of it as they learn the coping skills necessary to deal with their emotions. BPD is often a result of severe childhood trauma and that can be treated with therapy and a process called EMDR. It's an eye movement treatment that changes the traumatic thoughts into "normal" ones that no longer haunt the patient. Look into it! I know that it works....first hand! I've been utilizing it for my own issues.

Keep us posted!

Hang in there. I completely understand what you’re going through. Both of my kids have attentional issues and a trauma history. I used to constantly ask myself things like “Is this because he’s three, because he probably has ADHD, or because he had a rough life before I met him?” - but after some time and research I came to the conclusion that the exact “why” isn’t the crucial question. I was parenting my kids according to what I thought they should need instead of what their behavior was telling me they need.

You’re also surrounded by people who can’t regulate their emotions. I don’t have specific answers for you, but as a single parent of two kids who cannot be left to their own devices for more than about 45 seconds, I notice a huge difference in the quality of my parenting when i know I’ve carved out some time to take care of myself. From that standpoint, it’s gotten a little bit easier to choke down my first “WHAAAAAAAAT DID YOU DO?!?!” reaction and get to talking about big feelings that may have been going on at the time.

My heart goes out to you. We have two boys one with ADHD and my husband is schizoaffective bipolar subtype. He is also seeking treatment but it has been the hardest year of my life. I’m not sure if the relationship you have with your children’s pediatrician but that has been my lifeline for me and my children. I also have been “single parenting” it for a while now. Our pediatrician is the one person in our lives who knows the whole truth and I can be completely honest with about my sons behavior, my reality, and my emotions. He has helped us tremendously. My suggestion would be to find a professional that can help walk you through this mine field you’re currently living in. Rest is also extremely important for me as well. Make that a priority in your life if you can. Also, I go to my husbands psychiatrist appointments with him. I give the doctor my perspective at every appointment, that seems to be helpful in my husbands treatment also. Above all else welcome to this group. You’re not alone and we are all here to support you.

This must be so hard for you. My daughter was diagnosed with BPD as a teen. She got pregnant in her early twenties when she was on drugs and had two boys. Now in her thirties she is stable has a good job, but she still has severe anxiety disorder

The older boy has ADHD and depression with but is under control with medication. The youngest has had severe behavioral problems since Age 3. There's been constant Med changes over the years. Right now in seventh grade he is actually pretty stable.

My daughter also gets angry at the drop of a pin. She refuses to be on medication which makes it tougher. I have learned not to react to her mood swings. But it's easier since I don't live with her. Grandson with the most problems lives with me full time because she can't handle him when he gets unstable. Keep looking for help and take care of yourself. My job and my church are my safe places.

Buy the book 123 Magic and Start using that method for your children. You can also teach your wife, so she won’t have to scream at the kids, discipline will be easier. Good luck!

My heart goes out to you and all your family. My suggestion mirrors some of the others: take time to care for yourself so you can more effectively care for your family. Try to find a babysitter or someone who can watch the kids so you and your wife can have some alone time to remember why you got married. I highly recommend an online counseling service called Talkspace. You are assigned a therapist that you chat with through a text based chat room. You can send messages whenever you need to and your therapist answers when they get a chance. So if something happens at 1 AM you can send a message and not have to wait until your next appointment to discuss it. For your son, I recommend a pediatric psychiatrist (if you want to try medication) and psychologist (to help with behaviors). 5 is a tough age to get help for, so be persistent when looking. Good luck.

I thought about your post many times today. This is A LOT for one to handle. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I hope your wife gets the treatment she and you need. Her condition is not hers, only. It affects the entire family. She suffers, you suffer, the kids suffer.

Sometimes, when the home environment is not healthy, it could be a good idea to keep the children busy outside the house. Lots of extra curricular activities involving sports and music.

As I've read all the replies I see that almost everything has been said. I wanted to add that for my family, seeing a therapist who focuses on parenting skills has been a lifesaver. I didn't know they existed until I started looking for a therapist for my seven-year-old son. My husband and I have had sessions with our own "advisor" while our son waits in the lobby playing games on my phone. We have learned how to set limits, how to engage our son in "jobs" like doing his homework or getting his shower that get a reward when done reasonably well. Sometimes the reward is a high five and a 'great job' on his Responsibility Chart (Amazon) and sometimes his rewards are tokens he can trade in for cash, screen time, and various privileges.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that children with ADHD do have a higher chance of having other psychiatric disorders. I'm not saying this to scare you but to let you know that it is very good of you to keep an eye on your son and to get him evaluated if you are concerned about BPD, Major Depression, Anxiety, and learning issues like dyslexia, dyspraxia, and other neurological differences. I say "differences" because all of these "diagnoses" come with upsides. Especially for kids who get treatment early and maintain their self-esteem. My son is a great artist and lego engineer! He's awesome at math and at expressing himself verbally. His handwriting is his only impediment to telling those stories on paper. I've got him in Occupational Therapy and he sees a regular counselor as well. Yes, it fills up the calendar and leaves little time for LIFE. But it has made the living we do share a lot easier. It's even brought the fun back! Once my hubby and I learned HOW to parent an ADHD child we started to enjoy parenting our awesome little guy again.

With regard to your wife, she does seem to be moving in the right direction though it sounds like she might need a change of medication. I say this as someone who is disabled due to Major Depression and Anxiety. I have spent some time in hospitals and partial hospital programs. There is a program near me that runs in the evenings for people who work and uses Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help people learn to reframe their thoughts and assumptions, put time in between thought and action, and lots of other super helpful things. Another response mentioned EMDR and I do agree that it is an effective therapy as well. You don't have to pick just one! A good EMDR therapist helped me through a lot of trauma and may be able to help your wife as well.

Speaking of trauma - YOU are experiencing it RIGHT NOW. And maybe for the moment, you need to be self-reliant and be the single dad but at some point, I hope that you will consider putting time into your own mental wellbeing. Sometimes there literally is NO TIME for self-care. I know. Joining this group is a great start though! Welcome. I wish you had a local support system but maybe there are groups in the area. I love Google for that kind of research. Or, if there is a mental health center, they may be able to help you find further support. There's nothing like having a group of people who are experiencing similar things to share with and learn from. I need to find an ADHD parent support group here! (I'm better at advice than at doing.) Try and remember that you too are under a lot of stress and forgive yourself when you make mistakes like yelling when you don't mean or want to. I've found that apologizing for my own outbursts has modeled the behavior for my little guy and now he does the same. We all make mistakes. We all try to do the best by our kids. And as Dr. House says, "all parents screw up all children."

Be Well.