Lying or not?

[Crazymom]

Last night was one of those nights and I would love others' opinions. Long story short -- my 14 year old started high school this year after being in a Montessori school her whole life. She has ADHD and an anxiety diagnosis and takes Concerta in the morning with a booster in the evening to help with homework. She has always tested as very high on the IQ and conceptual ability tests but very slow on processing speed and very poor on executive function/organization. We have gotten a 504 to give her extra time on tests and she is really working hard to make this adjustment. But, she keeps forgetting to turn in homework and/or is scared to ask for extra time or to turn things in late. So -- I could see on powerschool that she had not turned in a Spanish assignment that I had asked her about several times. Each time she said it was finished and that she would turn it in. Finally, I told her I would email the teacher who would collect it from her in class. As it turns out, my daughter did not have the assignment completed -- she had started it and worked on different parts but it was not complete. The teacher was very frustrated because she felt like my daughter had been dishonest. After getting the email from the teacher, I confronted my daughter saying that "i didn't like to be lied to." My daughter just crumbled -- she swears that she really thought she had completed the assignment and was as surprised as the teacher to find that she had not. Then, the whole pressure of the semester came out -- how she feels different and stigmatized, that she feels like her teachers look at her with "pity in their eyes" and this makes her feel horrible. Really, it was heart wrenching. I tend to believe that she did not lie, but sometimes I wonder if I am being taken for a ride -- can she really think she has finished something when she has not? I just don't get this but it is consistent with how she presents overall. Anyone else have similar experiences?

[slavetothepeople]

Did you think of this at her side? I'm on the other side, the daughter in the relationship with my mother. Being in high school is hard but being in high school with ADHD is worse. I exhibit the same symptom daily. If your daughter's natural behavior before this incident is being honest I would say that she really is just exhibiting a symptom of ADHD. I would however instead of taking my word for it or anyone else's just do digging on websites that are by professionals. Also remember that it be hard to deal with this (usually) knowing fully well that there is no cure.

[Crazymom in reply to slavetothepeople]

This response is so helpful -- usually I am pretty good at understanding my daughter's symptoms but this one is just hard for me to get my head around. I do believe she was telling the truth and I feel awful for having come down on her. I feel like I'm also reacting to a vibe I am getting from some of her teachers that they are tired of making accommodations and are wondering where the line is drawn. I've done alot of apologizing and my daughter and I have done alot of relationship repair work. At my best, I don't really wish for a cure -- she is amazing just as she is; but it is hard to think of her life as a constant struggle.

[coopha]

My 11 y.o. son lies about assignments on a daily basis. He has not a clue if things have been finished or not, he just says all homework is done. It's a struggle. I know it's not intentional, but a symptom. Keep checking work daily if you can, and establish a good rapport with the teachers. It will help keep track of things, but grades will suffer a bit, even with the IEP/504 in place.

[anirush]

I agree it's an ADHD thing. I think sometimes they get to working on an assignment get distracted and later really feel that they did finish it.

But I have trouble with a child who gets his homework done, it's in his binder and then he never turns it in.