Hi guys this is my first post here, so for the last year, I've been questioning myself and in life in general. but I feel there is something wrong with me, but I feel dramatic every time I think this thought, so I push it away. I've been also feeling as a failure to my friends and parents and in society. I don't feel anything, I feel like I have no emotions and that just made me insecure about myself, it made me feel as if I'm not interesting to anybody. I even forced myself to try to get a hobby, but I just have no interest and I get overwhelmed. I also tried to do good in school, but I just don't have the motivation and i just quit, so i've been a failing student all the time. I also got into things that I shouldn't be getting into, because I'm still very young. but these things that i've been getting myself into is my only escape from my thoughts, and i feel more alive and more emotional. but it's ruining my relationship with my mom and dad and friends ever since I got into this stuff. It's been making me feel more alive so I kept on doing it. but i have nothing else to live for, it's literally the only way for me to feel something.
i always tell myself that this is a phase and i'll move on but it's been a year, still going through these thoughts, I've been feeling paranoid about some things, like i keep thinking someone is watching me and i feel that god is trying to lead me in somewhat way but i don't know.
my parents said the only way to escape this is to put my whole life toward god, (im muslim). So I've been trying to do that but I feel there is no hope in doing that even though they keep telling me it'll save me from everything. I also feel like I'm cursed from God in some weird way. I also think that everyone is after me. So I cut all ties with everyone except for my best friend. My dad also recently put me in homeschool, but I didn't want to be homeschooled. This kind of messed me up a little because I wasn't planning to do homeschool. I just wanted to go to a public school like a normal rteenager. but now i feel more alone than i already am, but also feel as if i deserve it because i'm a horrible person and i caused so much pain to my parents. I feel empty and have no hope for myself. I see my future is going to have more problems than what I am going through. I also feel as if I'm playing the victim. I'm probably just being dramatic about homeschooling, but I just see myself as a loner, and someone that can't handle having a social life. I also have a crush on this boy, but I feel my mom is going to ruin our relationship so I keep pushing him away even though it's breaking my heart. This made me realize that I'll never find someone, because I'll always have to push them away.
my parents have been very hard on me recently, they would call me horrible names that would just strike through my head. They also planned for me to go into a foster home, which scared me a lot. but I managed to convince them not to. so they kicked me out of the house for a few days. but I feel they still hate me. Everyone around me hates me. i thought of suicide a lot of times, but i fight through it and just out myself to sleep. I want to seek help but I'm scared I'm wasting their time. I feel as if my problems aren't big enough to seek help. I mean people went through so much worse than me .
Have a look on youtube follow some videos until you find something that interests you and remember to try and push yourself to pursue it, that's key life skill. This is something you need to nurture in yourself. Everyone can give you advice here but you have to remember you are the "enabler". when you do something for the first time i.e. read something, make something it will always seem difficult at first but if you keep at it then things will eventually work out and you'll figure it out. The key is to never give in and throw in the towel early otherwise that will become the habit and you'll always do that at the first hurdle of difficulty. 
I think I have depression
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