Forgiving Family

[InspireHope]

I'm getting a lot of pressure from my family to make up with my sister before the holidays. My sister has borderline personality disorder and bullied and abused me during our childhood. 3 years ago she got sober and worked a 12 step program and made tremendous progress. It was like she was a different person. She was grounded, rational, and much easier to approach. So, she asked me to come live with her and I did. We lived together in the same room for a year and were really close. We moved to another apartment and my new boyfriend gradually moved in with us.

This really changed the dynamic. She started to build up all these resentments against me, but never addressed them with me, until life stress got the best of her and she exploded on me. She still wasn't able to tell me specifically what I did that upset her, and so I couldn't do anything to change my behavior. I was left walking on eggshells, trying not to set her off. A lot more happened and my new boyfriend violated our privacy and trust by making a copy of our apartment key without permission. I addressed the situation with him and decided to give him another chance because I believed he cared too much about the relationship to jeapordize it again.

Needless to say, this led to a lot of issues between my sister and him and my sister and i. Her behavior was unpredictable. She offered him a key to the house (which was confusing) and then retracted, she began to slam doors and yell, throw things at me and threw a punch in my direction in response to minor roommate issues. But of course, it's never really about the issue at hand. It got so bad and i was living in fear at home that I decided to move out. She told me that I needed to fulfill my lease commitment and then told me to get out. And then she told my whole family that I had left her high and dry, as well as other personal information, and completely left out what she had done.

There's really a lot more to that story, but that's the gist. I am really angry and really hurt by her behavior and disappointed that she has not truly changed. We haven't really talked about what happened and I am really apprehensive to even try to repair the relationship. I'm not sure that I can tell her how her behavior has affected me without her blaming me and getting defensive, maybe even aggressive. I've thought about just apologizing for my part in the situation and leaving it at that, but if I don't address what has hurt me, I don't think I can get past it or have a relationship with her. Any advice?

[Tekakwitha]

Thank you for sharing your experience InspireHope. You have chosen a good name as you have consistently tried to find solutions and been willing to try to start again with your sister whenever the door opens. I admire your pluck and concern. I have a sibling suffering from BPD and it has all been waves and troughs, reconciliations and renewed contempt over the years. There is no way to predict what's coming next, good times or bad. I can only speak in parallel with you but each situation is different. Here's what I would say from my indirectly related situation. Your attempts to start again are courageous and generous. But don't expect a complete and permanent solution. Every good resolution is excellent but don't expect too much from it. And look after yourself too. Too much sustained closeness may increase the likelihood of a difficult explosion. Occasional meetings and doing something enjoyable together for an afternoon or evening might be better than all out sharing of a flat together. But you know your sister and your own capabilities and comfort zone. All the very best to you both, Tekakwitha

[InspireHope in reply to Tekakwitha]

Wow, thank you so much for your feedback Tekakwitha! It means a lot coming from you since you too have a sibling with BPD. That is really helpful advice. Thank you for giving me a realistic outlook on it. Can I ask you what it was like for you growing up with a sibling with BPD?