Very low motivation, but with neutral mood - Above & Beyond

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Very low motivation, but with neutral mood

Jeod profile image
Jeod
2 Replies

I'm new to this site, just saying. Sorry if this is not where I should be seeking opinions about this topic.

TL;DR: Teenager with almost nonexistent drive to do anything above the minimum, been doing nothing for a long time, doesn't reach out to friends, normal sex drive, neutral mood. Had weird moods in the past. Confused about what he's even dealing with.

So I'm experiencing something really confusing with my motivation. When you look at my task-completing potential it may look like depression. I barely do ANYTHING (besides pointless distractions) if there's no one to force/encourage me. This extends even to preparing food or getting rid of thrash I leave in my room. I had lessons at home due to going trough a surgery and then I used to do the bare minimum to satisfy my teachers, but then teachers went on an over 2-week long strike and there were no lessons. I totally missed the opportunity to catch up with the curriculum (been absent for quite a while), and didn't do almost anything productive during that time. It looks like the peak of my ability to put an effort to something is spending a couple of hours on learning a programming language and then ditching it, not coming back again.

As for social interactions, I usually don't turn away people when there's an obvious, convenient opportunity to meet and grab a beer or play a game together, but I don't put effort into maintaining contact with people other than my boyfriend by reaching out. If there was no one to ask if I want to hang out, I would just sit at home alone. Overall I'm not very social, only having a small circle of trusted friends.

Now finally for the confusing part. My motivation issues make me think of depression, but my mood isn't low. It's awfully neutral. I feel 'okay'. Not bad, but not good either. Or sometimes I simply don't know how I feel. I'm cold and somewhat irritable but that's it. The only intense emotions I felt in the last weeks were connected with my boyfriend's visit and departure - he lives far away and we only see each other a couple times a year. Even when he was around I felt little drive to do things outside of bed. My sex drive also seems okay - in fact I masturbate often.

For around 8 months in 2017 and 2018 I used to experience cyclical long-term mood swings. There were around two weeks of being unable to keep up with current events, feeling worse than whrash, not wanting to exist; then a couple days of feeling normal, then a week or two of higher energy, feeling of empowerment, picking up tasks and talkativeness. It went away a short time after I broke contact with a person I had unhealthy, unrequited feelings for, so I thought it was induced by current life events. I've never seen a psychiatrist or had therapy with a psychologist, not taking childhood into account. I found my symptoms very similar to cyclothymia but one can't diagnose themself.

So what do you think about this? I can't get myself to do anything like in depression, but I don't experience disordered mood. Am I just exceptionally lazy? I feel like my life is leaking trough my fingers, because lack of motivation and an aversion to social interactions outside of my comfort zone make my life unfulfilling, I feel like at 18 I'm already not moivng forward at all. I need to do something about myself but I have no idea what to do.

Thanks in advance for any advice, comments or sharing own experiences.

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Jeod
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Carlleon profile image
Carlleon

Hey i don't what to tell you becuase one I'm not a professional and two I wish I knew I've been dealing with the same thing for years, and I still don't how, there only been one thing that helped me slightly and it's getting at least 6 hours of sleep, so if I were and you aren't getting at least 6 hours of sleep regularly I would set a time you go to sleep around seven hours before you wake up that way you have an hour to fall asleep. Anyways sleep slightly boosted it by not wanting to do anything, missing at least one day of school to almost none(still have trouble going to school but now its bearable and I have a higher motivation span), feeling like I'm just lazy even tho I want to do things. Anyways I would try it out do it for a week at least see if it helps.

Jeod profile image
Jeod in reply to Carlleon

Thanks. Good to know that there are others dealing with the same thing. As for sleep, since I didn't go to school for a long time I had lots of sleep. It's a good thing to remember when coming back to school, though. Best wishes!

Edit: especially the bit about wanting to do things but being unable to - I'm exactly the same and it's super frustrating

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