No purpose in life, anyone relate?

[ClaireNarducci]

I'm new here, I wanted to create a post in hopes that I'll be able to find an answer to some of my questions. I remember talking to a friend (trying) to be open, and after it all he told me to be not so hard on myself. I don't think I express myself well, and so I could talk back and say 'I'm failing school, I have no good friends, I lie in bed or play video games, how could I possibly not be hard on myself! It's not anywhere I'd like it to be.’ So, I’m hoping that I’ll get some honest feedback or if you’re only reading you will see some resemblance.

To start, I don't know what to write, because I garble my sentences together, and can be very unaware of how I truly feel. I don't want to sound like someone only looking for sympathy or to boast, so any comments would be appreciated whether supportive, or constructive.

When I was young if I wanted to get personal with you, I would talk about religion, improving relationships, girls, and especially I tried to deep-think about why things were the way they were and how I wanted to be when I grew up. Now a days, I'd only be able to talk about things of failure, my past being a failure, and me having no future. In the future, who knows what I'll be talking about then. Ideally, I wish I had the right perspective without any biases or life influences.

I was born very religious and had a very comfortable life until things started to go downhill. I grew up as a pretty quiet kid. But to my friends, I was the silliest friend. There were a couple things that set me apart though, like for example, I was at my friend's birthday party when we were about 7 and after we played a couple games when it was time to go to the ski hill together, for some reason something switched, and I didn't want to go. I went home that day, to a mom who thought it was simply a kid missing his family. I still don't know what that's about, but what I do know, is experiences similar to that continued to happen, and continues to happen today. I’ve never had a real explanation, to why these experiences happen. Another instance, was when I was 14 at a hockey camp, and wanted to go home after having sudden asthma like symptoms. I went home that day to the dismay of my leaders and my parents. All I know is that my desire to go home was so strong, that I couldn't be argued with. As time went on, gradually I started not playing many sports due to similar feelings. I went on a church mission, when I was 18. I really struggled. I was really tired all the time, I was very robotic and had hardly any personality. I started thinking negatively a lot. I'll explain later. I wanted to be there and loved the people I worked with. An inexplainable reason held me back from being who I wanted to be. I wasn’t very successful, nor was I the most powerhouse missionary. At the time I felt good about going through with my mission, but today, I see it as a failure. What comes to mind are the bad parts about my mission unless I really try to think. Today, I'm on the verge of quitting university entirely as well as not attending church with my family, with a similar unexplainable reason. I have no plans for my future and no jobs planned. I don’t know how I came to this, and I feel like there could be something wrong with me, but I have no idea what it is.

I don't want to make this too long, and maybe I'm being selfish for doing so, but I’ll try to make it as short as I can. My thoughts are usually me saying things (in my head), God doesn't love you, God made flaws with you, I will never get out of this pain, I suck, My family doesn't like me, and they are very repetitive. The positive thought pattern that also comes are things like - It will get better, it is getting better, I will hit a phase in life when things turn around and it will go back to normal. Once I'm friends with this person, I'll be friends with this other person, and it will be good. Then I'll go negative again, it can't go back to normal because it would be going from terrible life habits, terrible relationships, to happy ones. That doesn't make any logical sense - I go through cycles with my thoughts. I also have plenty of thoughts wondering how I got to where I am. I wonder if it’s my fault, if it’s my parents’ fault, if it’s everyone around me, or if it’s God’s fault. I don't get anything done in my day, because I think like this, and I feel like I would be happier/more successful if perhaps I stopped school or stopped going to church. It doesn’t sound like it makes any sense. But in my head, it’s where I feel like I should go to be happy. It’s another one of those moments in my life, that I don’t have an explanation and I feel like I don’t have anywhere else to turn. I'm also very awkward. It's not a cute awkward or funny awkward. It pushes people away, and I can't have good relationships with people because of it. I think that what makes a person happy is being successful on the inside.

For example, when I was young, I wouldn't tell anyone I had a bad childhood, but now being mid 20's I am skeptical of how good my childhood really was. I second-guess everything that happened to me in the past. Like religion for example, I used to read scriptures everyday and tried to be good, but now looking back I really am unsure of how good it was. I feel like it could have been me being proud in thinking I was better than others or me not having a choice. I also have a tough time believing that I could have been made by God correctly but I can never say what it is that made me wrong.

I started seeing doctors when I was on my church mission, thinking that it might be depression (what it looked like), but I never felt like they believed what they were saying. They talked to me about self-worth and religious things instead of CBT or any medical approaches. After the mission, my parents sent me to the hospital but I still didn't believe that they thought something was wrong with me. As of today, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 2 years and we've tried a bunch of medication out, but nothing has helped. I see the whole process as pointless, but I can't say that, because everyone around me ‘acts’ like I have a serious mental condition. Who knows if something is there, or we’re all just hoping because of my life situation. I'm scared to be isolated from my family, who takes me to these appointments, and my doctors, who I should respect their advice. It sounds bad, but I really don't feel depressed or have any other mental health concern. Maybe I'm just looking for truth about my nature as a person, and not for something that's wrong with me. The truth is I don't know why I am the way I am, and I don't know what's causing these thoughts, But at the same time, I would be stoked to have a pill to take to make everything go away. 

I really have no grounds or concrete thoughts on this time in my life. All I feel is a bunch of simple, usually negative, words that make me feel bad or it's like I can't do it. 

Am I different, or can you relate?

Thanks

[Hidden]

Hello, it sounds like you have a lot of negative self talk and thoughts. I do too and it’s a symptom of my depression which for me is not due to any life trauma but more genetics. And it hasn’t always been easy finding the right medicine and you may not need medicine. You may need a good therapist. My family is very religious and always told me to pray and look to God for strength and not really accepting that maybe it was just me. That I am just depressed. I was diagnosed with dysthymia so I’m depressed always. I don’t have the highs and lows of someone who is say bipolar or depressed bc of a life situation. I have also recently developed anxiety although I think I always had it a little. I remember when I was young that like you I would suddenly just want to go home. Maybe it was the anxiety. From what you wrote I don’t know if you see a counselor or therapist? I think that may help you. And it may take a while to find the right one. Sometimes it helps to talk to an objective person who may have some good professional advice. I find it helpful because by talking things out I also figure out what it is I think as opposed to what I think I should think. If that makes sense. This site is helpful bc you can connect with people who kind of feel the same as you. Have you tried writing in a journal? That may be helpful too.