Lacking Passion

[BerryFrux]

I've been suffering from this constant boredom for a long while. I enjoy reading, but after an hour or so, I'm bored of it. I like biking and jogging, but I either don't go (for reasons I can't really fathom) or do and find myself faced with the same problem when I reach the end of my path. Beyond what I've stated, I don't really have any hobbies or any developed skills. I often head over to a friend of mine's and mindlessly hang with him for a couple days, but when I leave, I feel unfulfilled. Like I've wasted days of my life. Normally I just watch YouTube when I'm over there, and when I get home I do the same thing. I don't really recall what I watch throughout the day, the day just disappears.

I know that my extended period of time on YouTube is attributing to my poor mental health, but I have no motivation to do anything else. Sometimes I try to lay down and just think, but I find myself unable to focus on real life issues. Instead, I find myself lost in fantasies (Which are typically life-threatening situations, such as a robbery, where I coolly diffuse the situation. Often I get shot, but still manage to 'save the day.' Kinda dumb, but I can't seem to figure out why I do it.) and when I do realize what I'm doing, I end up getting frustrated with myself and attempt to figure out why I do what I do.

The result is just more fantasy.

Four years ago my mother and father went through a bit of a nasty divorce, and I became a bit of a recluse. I gained a lot of weight and became overall moody. 11 months ago I got a job, got into biking, lost 97 pounds (Putting me at 156) and finally developed some social skills. But still I feel unfulfilled. I'm heading towards college in hopes of gaining a skill, light a passion or something. Cause currently I have no desire to do anything. I have no skill that I developed early on and feel a bit lost.

I feel like I have a lot more to write, but i'm struggling to focus my thoughts. Hopefully this is enough to get a bit of help. Thanks for reading.