I thought it was a phase

[Herherher]

I’m new here. I thought being “sad” was a phase, but it’s coming back again and it keeps knocking at my door. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t want to diagnose myself with something far from how I am. I feel like knowing what is wrong will help me build myself back up. I get super sad and not interested in anything if one thing just takes me off my mood. I am on edge of breaking down in public every single time there is a topic about being depressed or someone needing help from suicide. I admit I’ve thought of suicide so much, but I’ve met someone who has taken my mind off of that, and she makes me so happy. I think I’m getting better because of her, but am I really? I still question my existence, I still think that if one thing goes wrong then I’m a failure and don’t deserve to live or don’t deserve what I have. If I lose her, she’s my last drop, I’ll wait until I can donate my organs and I’ll give my eyes and heart and lungs to those who do want to live, at least then I’ll feel worthy. I have so many highs and lows, but the highs feel like I’m just concealing. I’m ignoring the fact that I am not okay. But what can I do when the one problem is that I am a lesbian and many will not accept that. I rather not live if it’s always going to be like hell, fearful of all the steps I might take that are broken glass. I tremble and toss and turn and squeeze my brains out when I cry. I don’t like to remember things, they hurt me, and then I cry, which hurts more but feels better. Can someone help me please? I don’t want to go nuts and walk into traffic, my body does not deserve to die they’re precious and needs help, some guidance. Life is precious. I promise I won’t kill myself, I know better, but I’m a walking mirror reflecting the energy others give off so they don’t see the other side. Advise me

[Natsteveo]

Hello Herherher

First of all welcome to our community

You've landed in the right path

You sounds as if you don't know if your coming or going.

The first thing you do need to do is go to your local doctor you don't have to tell them all but you must explain how you are feeling and how you are thinking you may need some anti depressants for a few weeks to just take that edge off your feeling the way you are..I'm glad you have a girlfriend seems like she has given you something to look forward to and please don't beat yourself up we've all been there and still are depression and anxiety comes in waves or sadness then you will smile for a while and then you may be sad again for a while but this is normal èveryone some point in life experiences some kind of sadness loneliness and depression.

You may need a little bit of therapy as Well to help you identify what's triggered you off to feel this way

I've attached a few organisations for you these people are amazing you can talk to them literally about anything and they make you feel so not alone

I hope this has made sense to you

Take care let us know how you get on

Nat

Samaritans is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, to listen to anything that is upsetting you, including intrusive thoughts and difficult thoughts of suicide and self-harm.

Freephone: 116 123

Email them [e-mail] or visit them at your local branch.

Samaritans also offer a Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (from 7pm–11pm only, seven days a week).

[Koliadados]

I'm glad you are aware that suicide is not the answer and trust me you are way more worthy alive to this world than you are dead, do not limit yourself to just a few organs when you are way more than that. And whether or not your relationship works out you would crush the girl you're with more than anything. However, it seems that even though she may be helping you right now and you believe that she is what's keeping you here, that may not always be the case. You may either not be with her anymore some time or her help may no longer be as helpful, that is why it is very important that you start to rely on yourself. You have to be your own anchor, in other words you need to start being the one to give yourself hope and hold yourself together. Have you ever heard that saying "Life's roughest storms prove the strength of our anchors". Beginning to believe in yourself in this way will also strengthen your relationship. Also being a lesbian is no way a bad thing or a problem and the sooner you start to see it that way the happier you will be. It is the 21st century after all, it still isn't accepted as much as it honestly should've been by now, but it slowly will get better and you are a part of that change. You could help someone out someday, someone who may be going through what you are going through right now and by being alive you will be a living proof to those like yourself and many others that not all hope is lost. People don't realize just how much one person can affect others whether it is in a bad way or good way. Don't give up yet and try harder. Also be open about how you feel, that's how you'll know who the people in your life are truly there for you and who aren't, but by doing this you will also meet new people who will respect you for being honest. People are too afraid of being judged today, hence why so many people live with a lot of regrets because they go against what they know is right and instead live for others.

[Suzie40]

I like the way you write, it's quite captivating. I'm so sorry to hear that you've met with so much sadness. I have on lots of occasions so I understand how you feel.

The most useful advice I could give would be to consider the support you're getting from your partner. At the same time that I experienced my first mental health crisis (about three years ago) I met a lovely man who coincidentally is a mental health nurse. I found myself leaning on him him so much that I stopped seeing my own CPN and gave up on my medication. When I inevitably dipped again, he was left having to support me all by himself, which wasn't fair on him and put massive strain on our relationship.

She may well the reason you're feeling better, but it's important to address the underlying reasons you got depressed in the first place x