Above & Beyond

Mental health

Over the past few years I’ve been very confused with myself (mental health). I’m just going to write what I’ve been experiencing. I feel as though my thoughts are fake constantly. I don’t feel any emotions unless I think about things at night when I am alone. If I begin to cry I tell myself that I’m not actually sad and that I don’t really care. After I’m done crying I usually laugh and keep telling myself that I do actually care and that I’m making things up and that I’m telling myself things to cope with my emotions. I constantly have battles with myself and don’t know which feelings are real and which ones are fake. I have been trying to find a mental illness I can relate to but all of the ones I have found involve feeling sad or a certain emotion which is something I don’t feel. Depression runs through my family but I don’t feel depressed. I know there are many kinds of depression but I don’t feel like I can relate to any of them. I used to self harm as a way to “feel something” but I don’t believe i actually did it for that reason. I made myself throw up a while back to lose weight. I have also tried to not eat for periods of time to lose weight. I don’t like myself but I also feel very superior to others often times. I feel that I am ugly, but still am very conceited. From that it makes me sound like a narcissist which I sometimes think I am but other times I hate myself so much I want to either die or smash my head against a wall. I have not been through any traumatic experiences or any events that would lead up to any mental issues. When I was younger I would convince myself that I had crushes on people and would openly tell them that and tell other people when inside I didn’t actually like them. I would also do very creepy things like save pictures of them and the only reason I would even tell anyone I liked them would be because somebody else would say they did. I also feel that love isn’t real and that people just want to believe it is so they fake it. But then when I think about that I think about so many people in the world are married and have children and don’t understand why anyone would want to believe love that much. I also experience gender identity issues and don’t know if I actually wish to be a certain gender or if I’m making it up. I constantly believe that I’m lying to myself until I really think about it and then I know that I truly do have something wrong with me. If you read this whole thing, I’m sorry your brain is f****d up right now. And also for those of you who have experienced any of this please comment and tell me what you were diagnosed with if you were diagnosed.

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Hello Gabriel8442 and welcome to our Community. Could you confirm how old you are please.

Thank you,

Lottie

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