Is something wrong with me?!

[zo0l]

New here, I’m quite nervous about writing something as I’m usually very closed off and try to shove my problems to the back off my mind.

19 years old, 20 in a few days

I had a girlfriend about 2 and a half years ago, that I’ve never really gotten over. We were together for about a year and a half. We were both girls so we never came public about it. Literally nobody knew and it was really hard and pushed us to the brink of I don’t know craziness... anyway, it was toxic we both knew that she cheated on me a few times and I kept forgiving as I’m very forgiving by nature and I really loved her. It’s difficult for someone to imagine how hard and stressful it is to keep it quiet that you love someone. You can never express your feelings and emotions without seeming weird.

She was very perfect and I always felt like I was never good enough for such a beautiful perfect person. I could never understand why she would ever love me. We really had quite a few problems she cheated on me I think it was like 3 times that I know of. And because nobody knew about us it was “cheated on me” but it was actually she dated 2 other people while we were together and I couldn’t do anything without people thinking I was some kind of obsessed best friend??? It was really stressful and honestly exhausting but I really loved her, like I thought we would be together forever, I know lots of people say that but she really felt like the one. I think a lot of my problems stem from this relationship, she was sometimes physically abusive but mainly emotionally, saying all kinds of things, but I was overbearing I get that and I understand why she’d treat me the way she did.

My best friend helped me get through a break up I could never express or be open about because people didn’t get why I was so upset because she was only supposed to be a “friend”r Anyway, my friend really really helped me without even knowing he was saving me. I thought about ending my life after we broke up because it was like I’d lost myself. I know this sounds like I was dependent on her, but when you only have one person who truly knows you inside and out it’s scary and traumatic to lose them. It was different than most relationships we really only had each other? Nobody knew us better than each other.

anyway, my best friend who helped me died in a car accident in a different country. It was really hard he was the only person I had when I went through my traumatic phase, and I’ve never felt more alone or helpless. Without him I would definitely not be here today. I was really quite distraught after he died, and I never found out how he died, I wanted to know because I have nightmares about him suffering and it makes me so uneasy. He was a really kind hearted soul. Two other people in the car were totally uninsured and fine and that’s really what I don’t understand. It makes me feel sick.

I never saw his body so it’s really hard for me to believe it’s real, I push it to the back of my mind to pretend it’s not real, and I just think “oh he will be back” but obviously he won’t be. It’s hard to explain it without sounding crazy.

I just feel so angry and hostile alllllll the time. I have rages and meltdowns that are seemingly over nothing but I can’t control it. I don’t want to be this angry but I can’t help it.

I’m so tired and exhausted every minute of everyday no matter how little or much I sleep. I have a very messed up sleeping pattern. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted and sometimes I wish I’d just not wake up to just rid myself of this exhaustion.

I did have a panic attack where I was so frightened to sleep once because I thought I was going to die, it was a very weird feeling and I knew It was a ridiculous thing to fear but the fear was so real.

I’m really very socially awkward and go to extreme lengths to avoid public and just people In general even if they are friends and just any human interaction. I have a real problem with eye contact, it scares me to death. I don’t know where to look how long to stare for, ugh it’s a real chore to be constantly thinking and overthinking it. And because of that I have problems talking and socialising and just seeming normal. I feel so crazy that I haven’t concurred eye contact...

I just want anybody to tell me if they know if I’m just crazy and beyond help or if there really is something wrong with me. It’s just so many things pile up and up and up until I feel like I’m going to explode.

I’m really sorry for the long post, but I could have written a thousand more problematic things, but I’m really quite boring.

thanks in advance for any advice or tips or strategies!!!

Anything is helpful at this stage in my life.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi zo0l

So sorry you have been through so much heartache, any breakup is awful. Now you are bereaved, suffering grief and the panic attack may well be associated with all this.

You're not gong crazy, you just need to talk this through, and I suggest asking your doctor for a referral for talking therapies.

Others may have more suggestions.

Please take care

Chloe

[Natsteveo]

Hello zo0l

Welcome to our friendly community it's good you came here because believe me you are at the right place..

Wow!!! You've been through so much heartache and trauma for someone so very young...

Sounds to me you have very low self esteem no confidence and you criticize yourself all the time I can answer a few of these for you I'm very honest I or anyone else on here will never judge you we are all equal here so don't feel down on yourself here we are all going through similar situations to you sweetie so we get you....

Firstly falling madly in love with someone is a huge thing whatever we are male or female when it hits us it hits us hard right!!!

But when our loved ones cheat on us hits us even harder like a ton of bricks they may as well of trod all over your heart it wouldn't of hurt as much anyway you lose your self confidence your self worth and you blame yourself like it's your fault!!! But it's not your fault you are Norway to blame for the bad stuff your gf/ex has done I mean come on sweetie you even forgave her 3 times have you heard the quote for this

'Fool me once shame on you,

Fool me twice shame on me,

Fool me three times shame on us both,...me personally don't think it's right if you get fooled 50 times it's shame on the person who's cheated not the person who's been cheated on....you sound such a lovely person ask yourself a question I know you miss her and you want her back but sounds like she's going to continue to hurt you if u were to get back together you are worth sooo much more there's plenty of girls out there who would love you for you unconditional what you deserve love isn't suppose to hurt is it cherub!!!!

And your loss of your best friend bless him I'm so sorry for your loss you said he was a huge influence on you "what would he say to you right now" also please don't dwell on his death I did my mum for 10 years believe me it literally ruined me if he passed away in a car crash babe it would of been quick he wouldn't of suffered you anxious about him and having nightmares because you don't know a lot about his untimely passing I know it's not easy try and grieve chick let the grief in and grieve for him it's best to let it out and now when your feeling better live your life for the both of you

Have you contacted Samaritans I will give you all the details at the end of this message also we have a bereavement and care site on here there's lots of lovely and friendly people who will be there for you and give you support ...

I do hope you aren't blaming yourself too much over all these heartbreaking situations your in none of any of these are your fault...

Your not going crazy....no-one ever beyond help.... there's nothing wrong with you your just human with a heart of gold that's been hurt so much so you really need to get yourself down to your doctor he/she will go through your options medication is a very good idea at this stage and you could do with cbt therapy this helps you train your brain how to think in a different way just ask your doctor to refer you it could help you it did me...

Before I finish maybe you should consider coming out then in that way you can start to be yourself more around others instead of hiding yourself away there's nothing to hide chick you are who you are and you will always be you either way.

Let us know how you get on

Love Nat xxx

______________________helplines________________________________________

Samaritans is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, to listen to anything that is upsetting you, including intrusive thoughts and difficult thoughts of suicide and self-harm.

Freephone: 116 123

Email them [e-mail] or visit them at your local branch.

Samaritans also offer a Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (from 7pm–11pm only, seven days a week).

Mind doesn’t offer a crisis line but gives plenty of support and information.

Tel: [phone] (Mon-Fri, 9am – 6pm, except Bank Holidays).

Email: [e-mail]

Text: 86463

Cruse Bereavement Care Phone: [phone] (national helpline)

Email: [e-mail]

Last but not least our own bereavement site..

Healthunlocked.com/bereavementcare&share