Knowing others who have experienced what I am going through right now.

[mooshelley]

Hi I'm struggling right now having lost my son Lucas who had taken his life in early may. I also lost my 5 day old baby boy 18 years ago so that's 2 sons taken away from me. I have suffered plenty of bad things in my life, being physically, mentally and sexually abused through my child hood up until the age of sixteen. I have always believed in God. I joined a local church one of the leaders controlled me so bad I was brain washed for eight years. My son Lucas was only 2 when we started going there leaving when he was 10 just before taking his 11 plus. Lucas did pass and was at the local grammer school, this made me very proud. After Lucas was taken it was revealed to me that Lucas had suffered for 8 years and I couldn't even see anything happening to him I trusted the leader who looked after Lucas almost every day. With the combination of past traumas and recent events I have had terrible thoughts. I self harm to release the pressure that's going on in my head I have even considered suicide. I do have two older daughters a very supportive husband, but feel that I'm selfish because I am taking their time up worrying about me. I am scared I just want to be left alone sometimes but don't trust myself because I over think things very deeply. Is their any suggestions from anyone to help change my current train of thought.