Haven't got the energy to hide anymore!

I'm 32 and pretty sure I've been suffering from anxiety disorders and depression for over 20 years without talking to anyone about it or getting help! From the age of around 8 I've just managed to hide my emotions, my reactions and the real me, apart from my husband who has to put up with furoisous mood swings, poor man doesn't now wich wife he is coming home to each day!! ( getting conserned I might be bipolar wich scares the hell out of me).

I feel my life hasn't been my life, like it was all some sort of out of body experience, I have gaps in my memories and feel many of my memories are more like stories someone told me! So many missed opportunities, experiences, a life! I hide away from the world! I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children, I've had no traumatic events in my life! So why oh why have I always been so scared of everything!! Even the phone scares me, the postman coming to the door, I worry months in advance if I have to go somewhere new, and worry obsesivly about every conversation I have with anyone! I know I'm not going to be able to explain everything well enough on here! But I'm so done struggling, I'm fed up of having no energy when I desperately want to do things, worrying myself sick, the painful muscles, the heart palpitations, the mouth ulcers, headaches, nightmares, the crying, the anger, the thoughts of hurting myself, the unwanted thoughts, the guilt...... the crushing guilt of failure!! Everyday!!.... life is too short for this! If I died tomorrow...... so so many regrets of things I haven't done! My boys deserve a better me!!!!

3 Replies

  • First of all thank you for writing how you feel, that is not easy. I'm no expert but I've been through a lot (if not all ) the feelings that you describe.

    That said, please get some help. Go to psychotherapy, even to the psychiatrist. Sometimes there's desorders that need treatment.

    Other things that you can try is reading books of self-help. Those books helped me a lot. My favourite one is Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer.

    Exercise, by yourself or nake a routine with your kids, that would make it fun for everyone.

    Try breathing exercises. It helpes me a lost when I habe an anxiety attack. Inhale for 4 sec., hold it in for 7 sec., exhale for 8 sec.

    I understand that all the fear and guilt paraliza you but start little by little.

  • Thank you so much for your lovely reply and really help one too 😊 It was the first time I'd ever written about how I feel, was a huge step for me but so relieved to have done it!

  • That's really good that you feel better for having reached out. Keep doing it! Talking really does help. Hugs. Gx

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