bored as well. yay.

[justhere]

so... i don't have much to complain about besides the times i felt like I don't matter. but I know better then that. but its a strong feeling more then a thought. or a belief....whateever. I use to have a long relationship for 9 years. i was engaged and blah blah blah it ended. who cares. but what i care about now is how i have a hard time i guess with being open and relating with others. i'm a a bit peculiar i think. I was always qiuet. and I'm just having a hard belieiving that i MATTER. its wierd. I think its about how I base my worth on negative experiences in my life.

anyway. I know life is all about choices. but its so easy to complain and be bitter. i"m a christain. I believe in Jesus and God and his word. it has been helpful to me. the thing that is least helpful is how i let emotions or thoughts dictate my life. also the worst thing is isolation.

islolation is the worst thing ever. I'm a working adult. I teach music from my home. the thing is I'm at home a lot. espeicelly since my car broke down. urgh... having a car equals freedom in some regard.

i have friends but they are busy and i have to admit. I have been feeling very anti social... like I'm ashamed of me for having anxiety or depression.

i also have a problem with breaking off the ends of my hair. (not pulling it off just breaking the ends.)

i guess i just have a wierd way of processing my anxiety and self worth.

its so dumb for me to act that way. i mean I beleive in God and the Good news yet I feel and act this way.

I know it could be because I want to have a relationship with a specific person but I just feel undesrving or too wierd for him. It really depresses me.

its about my desires and how I feel it won't happen.

and also the " friends" I have in my life. they are wonderful people. but I closed myself from shring my tru struggles and feelings because I fear rejection and being a charity case.

i just want to be happy. but that takes work. and being truly grateful for what I have.

but today was boring. but it could be because I believe in incorrect beliefs.

ok I think i feel better sharing. i'm going to go for a walk and stop grumbling.

[Adun3]

Hi Justhere......I saw your post, and we have some common problems. I MARRIED the guy I went out with for 9 years. I was 39 years old. He's a good provider, but a nine year courtship? No. Also, because I married him I had to move away from family and friends. I don't have any friends out here, and I've been in WI for 13 years, before that Utah for 8 years, and originally from WA. I stay home way too much. I too feel like I'm kind of weird/socially inept. I'm quiet too, but I have a tendency to talk about myself and be too negative, but it's hard to know what people think of me. I probably too worried about it. Insecurity is a beast!

Believe it or not, I think you have more going for yourself than I do. You have friends, I guess you're probably involved with a church, and you teach music. You sound like an interesting person. I'm not one to give advice on how to be a friend, but really try to stay connected with your friends. You need that social support. You said your friends are wonderful people. You have to believe in yourself, I guess, and trust that they care about you. You don't know what it's like to have no friends. It makes you even more weird. lol.

You mentioned that you like a guy, but don't think he would like you. I just purchased this thing online about how to be irresistible to men. I don't know why. I have a man, but I find it interesting because that was always a big source of my insecurity. I was afraid of men and put them up on pedestals. I actually ended up with herpes back in the early 80s because I was dating a playboy. He was just using me, I guess, and I fell for it. So watch out for that type.

Anyway, if you're interested in this course, lemme know. I don't know, I just bought this thing, but I think he is going to teach you how to empower yourself, how to be positive, which could help in all areas of a person's life.

I hope I'm helping you. I care, so if you want to write back, I'm here.