Above & Beyond


I don't know what I have and I am afraid to find out. I have been feeling down for a while now and I feel so tired all the time. Even when I get a full night's sleep I am still exhausted. I have a lot of mood swings too, which is not helping anything, I have found that I am increasingly crying trying to get to sleep as, if I don't have pains in my back or legs, I have pains in my stomach. I recently got diagnosed with IBS, but if anything the drugs are making me feel worse. I have had the pains in my leg since I was in a car crash when I was younger but they only appear when I am stressed. I went to a physiotherapist and a multiple of doctors, but they all say there is nothing they can do about it. They are meant to help people and I feel like they are just telling me it is my own fault... I just want the pain to stop. I just want to get a good nights sleep. I have just started university in Scotland and I never felt so isolated, and that is saying a lot considering I have already moved around 16 times. I have a boyfriend nearby but he doesn't understand. He doesn't know how to help me and I am afraid that our relationship is making things much worse on my mental state. He says I can call him whenever I am upset, but if I did that every time I don't think I would ever be off the phone with him. I am scared that I am only with him because I am terrified of being alone, but then I know I love him, I just don't know in what way. During the summer holidays I decided to tell him about something that happened when I was younger. I don't know if it is child abuse or what... My cousin (who is only a year older than me) used to take me to a hidden place and feel my boobs. This was just after my mum and dad divorced so I liked it because I felt loved by someone. I didn't realise that it was sexual and I only really started thinking about it when I became a prefect I was given a lecture about child abuse. I was a pretty fucked up kid when I was younger... I used to have a compulsion to constantly steal money from people, I still get it sometimes but nowadays I stop myself. I used to steal a lot of money and I still feel really guilty about it. My mum was only trying to feed me and my sister, but I wanted money to spend on things for me and my sister. I have only recently told my boyfriend all of this, but I don't think he realises how much it means to me. He just pushed aside the issue with my cousin, saying it probably wasn't that big of a deal... Then why was I so afraid to tell him for months? Why have I never told my family about it? Why do I not want to see my cousin because of it? And why am I scared that he might have done more than that to other people? I just want him to be supporting. I want him to have my back. I feel so alone. I could keep going about my step father, my dad, my grandad.... But it all comes back to me feeling this heavy sadness I can't unshackle. Things aren't getting better and I am scared of what I might do if this continues. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to be dead, but I want to keep living, I want to keep fighting.

3 Replies

goodmorning suitcasegirl having just read your page im sorry to hear your feeling like this but this has brought back bad memories for me also simular to what happened to you it is abuse and it is a big deal .But first of all im no doctor it sounds as though your depressed and lonely .I think your first port of call should be the docs meds will help a lot to put you on the right track but your boyfriend should go with you [if hes long term]because if hes never exsperianced any mental health he wont understand properly.Hopfully if hes caring and goes with you he will probely be so shocked to hear how your feeling and what its doing to you he needs to be aware tobe able to give his best help.Also its not your own fault so if docs say this theyre talk crap .Being without sleep can exagerate things imensly so its important to get a good nights sleep and relaxe .Go and buy relaxation cds after a couple of gos they do help what you studying at uni?This heavy sadness your feeling will get better in time i promise you just need to be put on the right track and a little help.I suffered like you for a long time before i got help so grab help as soon as possible you need to open up to someone you love and trust{boy freind}I am lucky i have a great wife who knows more about me than i do LOL shes being very supportive all the way through and if im honest brought us closer together ive been with her 23 yrs and didnt tell her about my abuse exsperiance till 2 yrs ago and she was so shocked so untill close friendsand doctors know they cant help you iknow this wont help but its nice to talk about these things to someone whos suffering the same by the way i cant spell haha sorry good luck and wish you all the best drago


This sexual abuse it dont matter to wat degree it still happened you were a child and thougt. This was a way of been loved in some wat u think the way u do cause of this i was abused and this is i used to think get some professional help u can get over it and u say u want to figth and that wat matter keep figthing i took me a while to get help and work througth thing and i got there i now have a beutiful little girl and partner and could b happier u can turn it around gud luck hunny


I forgot to mention pains in leg i get it wen im very anious and tired but also cause of liver problems get ya gp to do some blood test to rule any health issues out


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