I should be happily married but all I do is cry

In 2005 I met a Polish guy, while working in Ireland. I am Italian. Strange to say but I loved him at first sight, even if not exactly my thing. He must have liked me too, we moved in together after 2 months, and we got married after 7 years. It has been a beautiful and romantic love story, we moved to UK together, but after the wedding things got bad, and now I seem to just cry and cry...

since day 1 after the wedding he has started to get lazy at home, he has the attitude of the person that needs to be served, also because he started to work for a very good company and makes bigger money. He also keeps telling me that I should work more, I don't bring enough money home, even if I work 35 hours a week, and have the house chores to do, every day. He keeps saying that I should improve myself and study. He keeps saying I am fat now and that I should diet. I am just not enough, in anything. Last year he changed department in the same company, and he gets so much time off it is insane, and keeps now buying tickets to go back to Poland. He keeps saying he hates living here, he wants to see his family more often. It's 4 times in 6 months now. I found out I was pregnant while he was in Poland, and had 3 months of hell, before miscarrying, alone, at home. A pain I cannot describe, on so many levels... He does not understand, he said that the day after I got the miscarriage I just sat on the sofa and asked all day to help me doing things.

he accuses me to behave like a mum, because I don't want to let him doing things, like buying a motorbike(which he actually bought), move to Germany, or go out to get wasted withso called "friends"(people he knows from work)He still does go out, last time he called me at 6am saying he did not know where he was- so how could I be happy for him to go out with "friends", seriously)

I really really love him and he is sweet too most of the time, he hugs me and always says that he loves me. I don't think he has someone else, but he constantly makes me feel like nothing, like the moment he finds someone else he will leave me without even thinking twice. I preferred him when he was a cleaning operative with barely no English, earning less money than me. He works overtime and he says that he deserves to go to Poland because he earns the money to go. But as soon as I asked for a little help, that is the excuse, always the same "I am tired, I worked 60 hours this week", or "I did night shift this week, I need to relax" . Once I said to him that if he works so many hours it is not to save to buy a house or for the future, it is only so he can spend it on tickets, and he leaves me home alone. my salary does not get spent on stupid stuff, it goes entirely towards rent and bills. I haven't bought a t-shirt in months, and if I do so, I shop in the cheapest store in town, while his purchases seem to all be designers, because "he works very hard for them"

I seem to just cry... I am unhappy. so much I want to die... this is not life. it is hell, loving somebody that does not plan a future, like an adult future. I want a child but at 30 he does not seem like someone that could be responsible enough to care for one. I feel stuck, and I don't know what to tell him.

leaving him is not an option, I would live the rest of my life in shame, I would give my parents a heart attack. I would not be able to show my face in my home town ever again. I am an old fashion lady, and I really believe in family, and I would do anything to keep this marriage intact.

Help me, what can I do so that he understands that he is hurting me so bad that he is the source of all my unhappiness? he thinks I am depressed because of living in England, he is so wrong!!!

Sorry for the very long post. I hope someone can help me...

2 Replies

  • you get yourself an attorney and tell him this: GOOD BYE.

  • the best thing would be to give yourself a break. if you have family in ireland or italy then save up, take time off and go to see your parents/family. talk to them what is going on and ask what is best. understandably your culture views separation or divorce as a taboo and other cultures do so as well but it's not something to be ashamed of. fact of reality is that marriage is compromise and here it does not seem like it is the case.

    1st thing is give yourself a break and fly off to see your parents, and explore your options, give yourself that space and freedom to think. if one of the options is to talk to him then do it over the phone and if he doesn't see the bigger picture then the best thing is to pack your bags and don't turn your back.

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