I am what I am, at the moment I’m exhausted, after very little sleep, a trip to Nuneaton to have an assessment with my psychiatrist and a CPN, about getting support from a CPN, struggling home with shopping from Asda and sitting on the bus cracking my neck all the way home. Until I got home it had been a positive day, Despite the “fat” tic kicking in unfortunately aimed at the head honcho CPN (these things tend to hurt me more than they hurt the recipient) I had a pep talk from them both telling me that I shouldn’t really worry about letting out tics and I agree with them completely. I don’t really worry about the opinions that others have with regards to my tics although I’d really not want to offend anybody, particularly people who are helping me or that people that I like and respect which is what often happens, maybe a rule of thumb is that if I shout an insult at you it means that I quite like you – perverse I know.
However, now as well as feeling very tired, I feel very upset, I can’t tell you why but Sasha is ok this evening, I haven’t been upset in the usual way by the male of the species. It seems as though to me people can very upset by my big mouth, but I just don’t think before I speak, or type, I’m hot-headed, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’ll flare up and instead of loosing my temper I’ll burst into tears and the anger will go inwards, this is probably why sometimes I’ve had tics that have involved hitting or biting myself. I am my worst enemy, or sometimes I wish I could separate my Tourette’s from myself and live normally, be able to be rational and emotionally balanced. The tics on the whole are bearable, it’s the living on a rollercoaster element I’m not to enamoured with I feel at the moment that if I open my big fat gob that I’m just going to offend somebody, not with a tic, but with my own experiences and opinions arising from those experiences. We are all moulded into the people we are by our experiences, what we have learnt from them and how we are as individuals; it’s what makes us all interesting. I feel that if I wasn’t able to express my feelings and opinions that really part of my being would cease to exist; it would be the difference between reading a book and staring at a blank piece of paper. Being unemployed is a dehumanising experience you are squeezed into a one size fits all, your feelings, creativity, blah, blah, are irrelevant, you are made to feel like a drain on society. It may sound a bit big headed of me but if I was taken away my freedom of expression I would feel that there was no point anymore. Frank Zappa has been quoted many times, I can’t remember any of them off hand but most of them I thought were very relevant to myself at that point and I hoped that I would have remembered them, but whilst talking to my psychiatrist earlier a Zappa song popped into my head (at least I have a mobile music library in my head, ready for any occasion) “You are What You is” I am individual I am what I am, I’m an opinionated, hot-headed who doesn’t like to be told what to do or what not to do and then will probably do something different. Now I'm off to bed with some paracetamol, my neck is very painful this evening, if anybody thinks I'm leaving the safety of my own home tomorrow they have another thing coming.