Paint it Black

[catherinem]

I’ve been feeling pretty down, down to the extent of feeling suicidal, please excuse me if I misspell anything or repeat myself as my brain has turned to mush, everything just seems such an effort, I’ve managed to separate myself from my pyjamas and have a shower and call my HRT therapist and give her a bit more of the story, some of what I couldn’t talk about on the train or on this blog. Well the weekend is now here, I still haven’t receiveced any news from the Crisis Team or as somebody suggested, the newly renamed “A spot of bother team” after all they just tend to suggest “having a nice bath” – no thanks, I tend to think dark thoughts whilst in the bath, or “do some gardening” its dark outside. Calling the crisis team in it’s self is a major achievement considering I have to get out of bed to find my mobile. I feel so tired at the moment, I’m finding it difficult to get a good night’s sleep and wake constantly during the night. I did manage to get into Coventry city centre on Tuesday and have a haircut, unfortunately my old tic Mr Susan (head jerking tic) has made the occasional reappearance resulting in a haircut like Willy Wonka (from the Tim Burton film played by Johnny Depp), I was supposed to have a normal fringe, but my head jerked whilst the hairdressing student was cutting my fringe – opps wonky fringe, another little snip was needed to even it out – JERK – opps even wonkier, now I look like a blonde Willy Wonka, now it’s been straightened out.

So in addition to my eccentric behaviour with regards to internet dating – I’d rather not bore you with the details, but I think I was a bit out of character and stupidly impulsive, I now have an eccentric haircut. It looks good from the back though.

So this is just to let you know that I’m still alive, (which is more than what the crisis team know). Here’s some more Fenella.

youtube.com/watch?v=9781h4W...(Not working as expected?)

I addition I also somehow managed to make it to my Work Capability Assessment with the help of Him Indoors despite me rushing around worrying about missing the bus and thus losing our benefits. I don't yet know the outcome of the assessment but it was done by a rather quiet doctor who I aften had to ask her to repeat herself, she didn't ask me many questions, she spent most of her time looking at the form I filled in a few months ago and typing she asked a couple of questions about my TS rather than my depression which is more troubling such as "Are you always like this? " 'im indoors answers "pretty much, even when she's asleep she kicks me" and "How did you get here?" "er on the bus, with Pete". She didn't ask about how I coped with tasks around the house or going out and about, but we told her anyway, I don't know if she took any notice, she seemed more concerned with the letters and cards detailing my next appointment with my psychitrist and my TS consultant, I don't even know if she took my visit from the mythical crisis team on board (it was real - I think) than asking me questions about my depression and TS.

[Bootgates]

I can feel your frustration mate & I'm starting to appreciate what your going through, though anyone would still need to walk a mile in your shoes to appreciate it fully. These people are so busy filling in forms, dotting the 'I's' & crossing the 't's & meeting targets etc that they miss the real issue that these are 'people' they're dealing with & don't actually talk to the person in question properly. Try to remember you're not alone literally even though it can feel like it sometimes,especially with him indoors. After all indoors is meant to be a refuge of sorts & unfortunately yours isn't at present. Time for a stress free hobby me thinks? I can't remember if you said you had a garden or not? Otherwise some meditating might help maybe? Sending you a big hug to try & cheer you up. x

[catherinem in reply to Bootgates]

One of my internet dates ( a postgrad IT student from Madras) suggested I try meditation, my mind easily wanders, the meditation he meant was religious mediation that Hindus practice repeating a phrase . I have tried yoga, doing the actual poses and ??? like the sun salutation are good, but I need somebody to kick my butt and keep me on track until I finish.

[Bootgates]

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I . . . I < picture of a dodgy looking shoe

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M < picture of a dodgy looking butt

consider your butt kicked! get meditating now! ;P

can do this daily if you wish! x