Totally fed up.

[alexfrombath]

I've had enough at the moment. This recent worsening of the ts has completely caught me unprepared and off guard. I had so much time to get used to being comparatively calm, not injuring myself, not constantly feeling tired and stressed...and now I'm chucked back off of the deep end in the last few months.

I feel trapped in the house because whenever I leave things get worse again. I try to leave at least once a day when I'm off work, but it's easier said than done...especially on days like today when I left my phone and earphones at a friend's house - my only lifeline when I'm out is losing myself in music which usually takes the edge off of it all.

I'm not sleeping properly, had a sudden burst of really violent tics lasting about half an hour the other night while I was sleeping, half the nights I go to bed I'm having to get up because I'm twitchy as.

I keep getting signed off of work...all well and good but now I'm on half pay and every sick note feels like I'm handing in an admission of how unsuitable for employment I'm becoming. Sitting in work is hit and miss...and when it does get bad I have the wonderful options of staying completely sober and having to try and deal with an hour-and-a-bit bus journey home, or taking diazepam and feeling like death but getting home in one piece. What a wonderful choice. I hate that chemical oblivion it feels horrible, like a robot or a zombie...or a robot zombie.

I'm totally unstable emotionally...one moment I'm happy, next minute I'm sad, then I'm sad and angry...angry at myself and my stupid bloody brain for getting myself into a mess again.

Can't even do the things that I usually do to keep myself happy...having to take serious half time on playing bass guitar because (THANKS AGAIN TOURETTES) my wrists are getting strained again. I don't dare get on my bike...it can get dodgy enough when I'm going through a good patch - let alone how I've been recently.

Covered in aches and pains from head to foot most days and my throat is sore from getting hit repeatedly with my own fist.

And annoyingly every time I'm having a calm day I get that stupid obsession that it's all in my head...until it starts getting worse and then I curse myself for thinking such stupid things all of the time.

That appointment next week can't come soon enough. I think it's time for meds now.

Basically: GRRRR.

Rant over. Sorry.

[catherinem]

Dr C will try his best to sort you out. You'll feel much better once you've met him and there's a plan of action in place - it won't be a miracle cure but he'll hopefully put you on the right track. Like myself I thought playing your bass would help keep tics at bay? It does for me anyway - quite a lot of us ticcers are musos. "The Magical Mystery Tour", my favourite Beatles album dropped through my letterbox this morning, I haven't heard it for a long time, I have it on vinyl, but as it's mint condition, I think original pressing, it's staying it's sleeve. So, my advice for now until you see Dr C, try and stop worrying and go and play your bass.

[alexfrombath in reply to catherinem]

It does...thats the annoying thing, but I've strained my wrists so much with a few of my tics...the main offender probably being when my wrists bend all the way in one direction and lock there...that Im only able to play for a couple of minutes...getting very ratty at myself as well because my picking/tapping speed seems a lot slower as a result.

It would probably be fine if I didn't play tech-metal >_<

[Suz13 Volunteer]

HI Alex

You might also find the Forum on the Tourettes Action website useful. There are quite a few adults who post on there. They support each other through many a tough time and can often come up with some useful ideas.

As Catherine says I do hope your appointment goes well for you.

[catherinem]

My friend gave me a pair of bongos that she was harrassed into buying in Morocco, she gave them to me as she thought I might find them helpful, they are in a way, small djembes can be quite reasonably priced and good for a tapping blast of a few minutes.mveducation.com/invt/63505/

[alexfrombath in reply to catherinem]

im glad im already among mental people i have two djembes, love them! have gone out and had an acoustic circle with friends and various instruments i avoid playing them a little bit recently because of the people in the flat below (they're nice and i worry about making them dislike us)...but thats probably me being silly being as last time i played they said they liked it >_<

[catherinem]

mveducation.com/invt/63505/

[catherinem]

If you're neighbours are OK about it then that's ok, duh! Here's a bit of advice that might cheer you up. tourettes-action.healthunlo...

[alexfrombath in reply to catherinem]

It's the first time I've seen this specialist...I saw dr Rickards the first two times and not sure who the last time...think my first few appointments were in the OLD building...only been to the Barberry once...then I had a fairly calm period and haven't seen anyone for a few years...so gotta go through the whole thing again >_<

That post gave me a giggle or two though...

[catherinem]

I often have ecolalaia, and at the moment it's got a thing for people from west of the Penines, Jane Horrocks being my Ecolalia's favourite at the moment, other accents do set it off amd sounds liuke I'm taking the mick, but I'm not, I was watch a programme about some guys in Manchester cleaning fat out of a sewer and I was off, I have to really try hard not to copy his interesting accent. He's not from Manchester, or even Bolton. This should cheer you up - think of me talking like Bubble - youtube.com/watch?v=-q5bnwP...(Not working as expected?) bearing in mind I'm actually Welsh.

[alexfrombath in reply to catherinem]

Hahahahahahaha Love the welsh accent though...lived in Swansea for a while

[catherinem]

I was born in Swansea - I'm from Llanelli, they call us "Turks" we call them "Jacks". They play football, we play rugby.

[alexfrombath in reply to catherinem]

You aren't going to believe this but I stayed with my ex gf's family in llanelli for quite a while...before moving to swansea... (it really is a small world isn't it)

[catherinem]

OMG - haha, My parents live in the town centre and by brother near the station/beach. What did you do in Swansea?

[alexfrombath in reply to catherinem]

Originally I lived on Townhill campus, then I moved to a tiny close called Willows Place near the central police station...was a student there for about 2 years

Really enjoyed my time there and to be honest...really miss living close to the sea!

[catherinem]

My brother's a research fellow at Swansea Uni.