A little bit down

I've been feeling quite sad, but not depressed, the last week. I suppose part of it is feeling sorry for myself, but I have been sad that my Mum can't visit at the moment because her Menieres disease has started playing up again. I usually see her every second Monday but that won't happen any more until the Menieres goes away. I hate that disease so much I wish no one had it. Menieres disease, which causes dizzy spells, nausea and vomiting, was the original unwelcome guest in our family before my TS and caused me a lot of psychological distress. When I was in my early teens, I developed emetephobia (an intense fear of vomit(ing)) and I am almost certain it is because my Mum had her first attack when I was only four and she just wouldn't stop throwing up. I remember the memory so vividly and I am sure that is why I developed the phobia. By my late teens (16+) the emetephobia had got so severe that I became agoraphobic in order to avoid all potential of coming across vomit. I didn't realise until very recently that emetephobia is a very real, and quite often life-destroying condition. Most people need hypnotherapy to get through it. I have not been cured by any means, but I am no longer as bad as I was.

My eyes have got worse again. I have barely any decent vision left thanks to the constant moving, twitching and de-focusing going on in my eyes. I have had to get used to walking around relying on touch and sound rather than sight which is quite difficult, although I have done this before. The problem is that last time this happened, I was in a college for blind people and therefore able to learn techniques to cope with my temporary (it lasted about 4 months) loss of good vision. This time there is no one to help me and I am struggling a lot. I mean how do you ask for help getting around with a cane if you're not actually blind or VI? It's so awkward. While I wait for my eyes to return to me, I have ordered a pocket brailler to once again learn to write braille. I don't need braille but I became so good at it in college that I would like to use my skill to help.

In a mad attempt to get a little bit of normality left, I asked my psychiatrist to give me a second trial on aripiprazole. I am not really holding out too much hope for it, but I hope it eases my tics a little, even if just for the four weeks we agreed. I will be on the lowest dose (2.5) as 5 knocked me out last time. I will take that amount for two weeks, be reviewed and if there are no side-effects, go up to 5. If there are side-effects, we will wait a further two weeks to see if they improve before attempting to increase the medication. I'm really not keen on taking medication, I hate the side effects, but I can't walk into St. Georges in April begging for help if I haven't even tried what has been recommended already. At least if I try it for four weeks I will know whether it works for me or not. If it doesn't, it's time to explore another option. Risperdal is strictly off the medicine menu for me as I became psychotic last time I was on it and convinced that people were reading my mind! I really hope that one day a cure, or treatment to ease Tourettes is found which doesn't involve mind-altering drugs with side-effects or cutting my brain open and inserting wires! I'm definitely not too keen on the idea of deep brain stimulation (DBS).

I'm going to go have a shower because I was at work today and I have somehow managed, despite changing clothes, to retain the smell of hamster whizz, possibly in my hair so I am going for shower two now! In the meantime, I'll leave you with something to ponder... In America they say two things which I find baffling: Take a shower and Draw a bath. If someone asked me to take a shower I would ask 'Where?' and if someone asked me to draw a bath I would get a pencil and draw it! Okay that's gone completely off topic now... Bye...