Sleep

Sleep

I am so tired, I’m also aching from the shoulder blades up, it doesn’t help that each time I shout (as in coprolalia) my head and shoulders jolt forward exacerbating the problem. The tiredness could partly be my own fault, as I was in Birmingham yesterday at the time when I’d usually have my dinner accompanied by carbamazepine and venlaflaxine I had Guinness so by the time I got home it was time for camomile tea and a mince pie. So after about half an hour of reading Charlie Brooker I fell asleep quite easily, I could think of other nocturnal activities that could aid my ability to drift off to sleep but unfortunately they’re not forthcoming. This worse than usual night comes at the same time as the latest instalment of Dr Jeremy Stern’s research blog tourettes-action.org.uk/res... . It’s quite usual for me to wake during the night, I woke at 3am as per normal but leading up to be suddenly woken up was a vivid a disturbing dream. I am a bit of a film nerd and have recently been taking in interest in 70’s horror films. I would describe myself as being an aficionado, I’ll leave that to Mark Kermode but as well as watching the film I also watch the accompanying documentaries, so to add to my little collection that already contains such classics as “The Shinning”,” The Exorcist” and “The Omen” I thought I should watch “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” so through the letterbox it came. Usually these films don’t affect me; I watch them, watch the documentary end of story. It was almost a month ago I watched the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_T... and it is one of those films that just needs (or all you can bear) one viewing, Kubrick’s “A Clockwork Orange” is very much one of those films that also only requires one viewing. So back to my original point prior to my abrupt wakening I was having a vivid dream, there I was in the middle of the Texan countryside approaching a white house, there’s nobody around and I go inside and just like in the film it’s grim inside, then he appears out of nowhere, Leatherface wielding his chainsaw, he chases me around the squalid house and then I wake up with a start. After a while I try to go back to sleep, again Leatherface appears, I wake up, it’s now 4am, again I go back to sleep. Again, I find myself back in the Texan sunshine approaching the isolated house, again that same stench when I go inside and he reappears again after me with his chainsaw, I wake up, it’s 5.30am. This waking pattern is pretty normal for me, I don’t know why, it’s something I’d like to get to the bottom of but that nightmare was something else and quite unusual for me. Unless maybe I have been having nightmares and not remembering?

Reading on Dr Stern’s blog (or rather a previous post) he discusses intrusive thoughts. This is a topic that is rarely discussed and until quite recently kept to myself in the fear of seen as an evil specimen or maybe I should have been a film director. I’ve had these intrusive thoughts for as long as I could remember, they did often play out like scenes from a 70’s horror film but the lead roles were usually family members – this was particularly troubling as I would have terrible thoughts of my brothers coming to harm in some awful accident, then my particularly clumsy brother who broke a limb each year he was in secondary school as I heard the news that he had gone to hospital (by year 10 he was on first name terms with the staff in the plaster clinic) my heart would stop and I would feel that it was my fault. (Not the fault of the woman not watching where she was driving.) Throughout school I was often described in my school reports as being a daydreamer, my Maths teacher reckoned my head was “full of lovely musical thoughts” far from it. As well as these horror daydreams I would also have fleeting thoughts of violence, these would usually appear as I’m having a conversation with a well loved (usually much older) relative or family friend and the violence would be perpetrated by me towards this person. These thoughts completely repulse me as they are often the last thing I would want to happen to them, infact if anything similar was to happen to someone even if I didn’t know them I would be upset and feel as though the perpetrator was a monster who would deserve a hash prison sentence plus some personal vengeance from fellow inmates.

10 Replies

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  • It might be possible reading your comments about your school saying you were a daydreamer that in fact you could be epileptic. Maybe you're in fact have a form of nocturnal seizures too? the daydreamer bit soundls like absences but I'm no expert just speaking from a bit of experience & something to maybe look into.

  • I do sometime go into a kind of "daze" where I don't think of anything and can't really do anything either, I'm sort of aware what's going on around me but can't pay any attention. It's quite hard to desricbe but I've always had it.

  • I spent so many years thinking that I was 'insane' or 'evil' because of the dark thoughts that came into my head. It was quite a relief in a way when I discovered why I was getting the thoughts, although I would much rather not have them at all. I was also described by teachers as a 'daydreamer'. That was because I was so absorbed in my constant obsessive thoughts and intrusive thoughts that I couldn't possibly pay attention to the lesson as well!

  • Hi Catherinem

    First i would like to say Thank You for your write ups, they have been a great help to me.

    and i would like to comment on sleep, that is lack of it, as i have always had trouble getting to sleep ans keeping asleep, and sleeping in the day time was easy, and when i do have a good nights sleep i can wake up feeling dreadful, then i read an article about a side effect from Amitriptline, of helping those with sleep disorders, as it in some way help with the bodies use of sanetonin (spelling wrong) re-uptake and so modifies sleep, so off i went to the doctor saying that i was depressed and needed something to help, which was not a lie as i am/was depressed but could handle it, so he gave me Prozac, Oh Dear, so took them for a couple of months and found that they did not help my sleeping, so went back and said that to the doctor, adding that maybe Amitriptline would be better, so he prescribed that, and after taking the prescribed amount 50 mg as two tablets (That is not a large amount for depression) i found i was sleeping better, much better, instead of falling asleep in the day, i was up and running, and happy on 25mg, Mind you it may be a placebo affect, but i don't care, as long as it helps, maybe others have experience of this!!.

    One other thing that i would like to ask you, and that is if it would be alright if i used some of your write ups on my own website, its a website where i will gather information about Tourettes Syndrome,

    its at. tourettesyndrome.wetpaint.com/

  • I'm not sure what the boss would think about tex tbeing copied and pasted, but feel free to add links, links would be great. The website is looking great, good luck. I've had a little go at building a google website, a free one that's a template for people starting their own buisness.

  • hi all. thanks for the link catherine.have got a double appointment with my g.p on tuesday with my wife. the time is 0222. the last 3/4 nights have been brilliant and up until now, was even going to cancel appointment.

    the last 3 mnths have gone from bad to worse. in those 3 or so mnths i've prob had 4 nights without interruption. 1 night recently i woke up prob about 8 x in total screaming - 1 after the other. when i eventually got off to sleep i had to scream myself awake because i was paralysed and having a bad dream. i just don't know what to do. it's affecting my day and really messing with my mind. i'm miserable. my wife says she doesn't mind as long as i let her in but surely she can only take SO much! she had to help me off the floor several times last week with the crutches i use for my bad hip. all i wanted to do was sleep and i was crashing everywhere: the living room floor, the kitchen, on the stairs. trouble was that once i was on the floor i physically couldn't get up. it was like i had absolutely no strength in me. everytime i brought my head up to try and get up it flopped back down again and i had to mentally stop myself from falling back to sleep. think perhaps your right catherine. maybe it is narcolepsy? i read a bit about it and there's nothing on any of the sites that i havent had before. trouble is i don't want to take anymore drugs, i'm on far too many as it is. anyway like i said i've got an appointment with my g.p coming up so we'll see what he has to say.

    enough about myself, sorry, just needed to tell someone i don't know about this.

    i went through a faze of watching horror movies. infact a while ago now i told my boss/mate i've known since school about the dreams that i had and he said 'no wonder, the sort of films you watch' haha. well perhaps he was right at the time. one film that did it for me was - sorry, trying to think. it had woody harellson

    (spelt wrong) with some woman who went on a killing spree. think it was directed by quentin tarantino. Didn't watch another horror for a while after that one. must have hit a cord or something. anyway haven't watched a horror now since i was up for several nights after watching paranormal activity 2 and yes, i watched the first one too. glutten for punishment - me - i think. Now the third one's out and i want to watch it but i just know it's not a good idea.

    i was a daydreamer at school too and afraid of my own shadow. a lot better now. it's amazing how age changes you. thing is i'm no longer afraid of my dreams (at least not once i've woken up) and haven't been for 10 or so years. that doesn't mean to say that they don't frighten the life out of me when they actually happen.

    read dr sterns bit on the newsletter, tis a bit of a coincidence that quite a few of us with t.s suffer from sleep problems too though!

    seems to have turned into a small essay haha. well it's given me some thought what to put in my next novel haha. oh dear!!!

    hope your dreams get better! it's not nice. take care all rich :)

  • thanks for your support guys/girls rich :)

  • Was the film you were thinking of with Woody Harelson "Natural Born Killers" ?

    I've been having these sleep problems for months, maybe years, I slept well when I was on Risperidone. In the last few months I've only had one full nights sleep, luckily I'm on ESA at the moment, it would be a killer if I had a job. My HRT therapist has asked my consultant to refer me to have my sleep problems looked at, luckily at The Barberry they have a sleep clinic so I'll see what happens next when I see Dr Cavanna at the end of the month. I hope your GP can help you out.

    I watched Brazil, you know that strange Tery Gilliam film the other night, I didn't dream about ducting and paperwork!

  • 'Natural Born Killers', yep, that's the one, horrible film!

    Hmmm, that's interesting that you slept well on Risperidone as that's the drug that i've been on for about 8 years and it's kept my OCD in check for that long.

    Didn't do a thing for my tics though but it did give me insomnia and trouble with hallucinations while trying to get off. I kept on it though because i was just so glad that my OCD was better. Just proves that every drug works differently for different people. Are you still on Risperidone?

    Work? I've been pretty lucky with that as my boss is my best mate and if i can't work one day then he's fine. I said at the beginning that i wasn't willing to promise him full time so my work is flexible. I'm a gardener by the way. DLA allow me to stay on it whilst working because no one week is the same. I'm off at the moment anyway because of my hip - another problem that's ongoing - but hopefully will be right back if my consultant decides to operate. Maybe my sleeps got worse because i'm not working and am anxious that i should be? I don't know. My anxiety problems are deep rooted so who knows.

    Glad your getting referred to see someone and hopefully things will get sorted.

    Mmmm, 'Brazil', not heard of that one.

    Anyway s'pose i better at least try and get some sleep :)

  • Here's some ducting and paperwork.

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