I am so tired, I’m also aching from the shoulder blades up, it doesn’t help that each time I shout (as in coprolalia) my head and shoulders jolt forward exacerbating the problem. The tiredness could partly be my own fault, as I was in Birmingham yesterday at the time when I’d usually have my dinner accompanied by carbamazepine and venlaflaxine I had Guinness so by the time I got home it was time for camomile tea and a mince pie. So after about half an hour of reading Charlie Brooker I fell asleep quite easily, I could think of other nocturnal activities that could aid my ability to drift off to sleep but unfortunately they’re not forthcoming. This worse than usual night comes at the same time as the latest instalment of Dr Jeremy Stern’s research blog tourettes-action.org.uk/res... . It’s quite usual for me to wake during the night, I woke at 3am as per normal but leading up to be suddenly woken up was a vivid a disturbing dream. I am a bit of a film nerd and have recently been taking in interest in 70’s horror films. I would describe myself as being an aficionado, I’ll leave that to Mark Kermode but as well as watching the film I also watch the accompanying documentaries, so to add to my little collection that already contains such classics as “The Shinning”,” The Exorcist” and “The Omen” I thought I should watch “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” so through the letterbox it came. Usually these films don’t affect me; I watch them, watch the documentary end of story. It was almost a month ago I watched the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_T... and it is one of those films that just needs (or all you can bear) one viewing, Kubrick’s “A Clockwork Orange” is very much one of those films that also only requires one viewing. So back to my original point prior to my abrupt wakening I was having a vivid dream, there I was in the middle of the Texan countryside approaching a white house, there’s nobody around and I go inside and just like in the film it’s grim inside, then he appears out of nowhere, Leatherface wielding his chainsaw, he chases me around the squalid house and then I wake up with a start. After a while I try to go back to sleep, again Leatherface appears, I wake up, it’s now 4am, again I go back to sleep. Again, I find myself back in the Texan sunshine approaching the isolated house, again that same stench when I go inside and he reappears again after me with his chainsaw, I wake up, it’s 5.30am. This waking pattern is pretty normal for me, I don’t know why, it’s something I’d like to get to the bottom of but that nightmare was something else and quite unusual for me. Unless maybe I have been having nightmares and not remembering?
Reading on Dr Stern’s blog (or rather a previous post) he discusses intrusive thoughts. This is a topic that is rarely discussed and until quite recently kept to myself in the fear of seen as an evil specimen or maybe I should have been a film director. I’ve had these intrusive thoughts for as long as I could remember, they did often play out like scenes from a 70’s horror film but the lead roles were usually family members – this was particularly troubling as I would have terrible thoughts of my brothers coming to harm in some awful accident, then my particularly clumsy brother who broke a limb each year he was in secondary school as I heard the news that he had gone to hospital (by year 10 he was on first name terms with the staff in the plaster clinic) my heart would stop and I would feel that it was my fault. (Not the fault of the woman not watching where she was driving.) Throughout school I was often described in my school reports as being a daydreamer, my Maths teacher reckoned my head was “full of lovely musical thoughts” far from it. As well as these horror daydreams I would also have fleeting thoughts of violence, these would usually appear as I’m having a conversation with a well loved (usually much older) relative or family friend and the violence would be perpetrated by me towards this person. These thoughts completely repulse me as they are often the last thing I would want to happen to them, infact if anything similar was to happen to someone even if I didn’t know them I would be upset and feel as though the perpetrator was a monster who would deserve a hash prison sentence plus some personal vengeance from fellow inmates.