I know the title don't make sense....welcome to my world.
In my own little way I do make sense of my world, but in a very different way to many other folk.
I went to see a psychologist a few years ago and walked in and when he asked what I was doing there I said I didn't know! How apt, but very crushing at the same time. My brain went dead, I had no idea what to make of this tall, bald, camp? bloke sat in front of me looking at me waiting for an answer.
He said 'well, what are some of your problems that you are here for?' I sat n squirmed n the only ting that I blurted out was that I keep forgetting things all the time, forgetting where I put things and so on. I know it might not seem like a lot, but that one thing right there led him to say 'ok well, we'll start there'. The one other thing I worried about was my anger and temper, and I often lost it trying to find things I had put down somewhere.......
It opened up tons and tons of stuff that had long since been forced to the back of my mind and which I thought had no bearing on me and how I am now and how it made me forget things.
Over the next few months I started to write to the psych, write loads and loads of things that I do, or that people have picked up on and told me. The psych then told me he thought I had ADHD...I was confused...wasn't that something that kids get? Nah, he said, you can still get older and suffer, and he told me that I would have had it as a kid too. I was kinda shocked n went home n looked online........
Loads of things started coming together. He told me how people with ADHD, forget where they put things, canf ocus so long on one thing that interests them that they can often forget to do many other things like eat and drink and clean the house and whatnot. After a few sessions he did this test thing with me and another psych sitting in. Afterwards he told me, yup you've got ADHD.
After alot of convincing and help from the psych and some anger management, and recently an ADHD group set up for adults, and an online forum for Adults wit ADHD I am slowly accepting this is who I am and this is what I have going on with my brain.
Some other things didn't still add up though and I kept harping on about how certain members of my family and friends thought I had Autism. I told him about how I used to walk on my tiptoes for so long and how it had caused me lots of problems with my feet n legs. I told him about how I used to cover my ears at cars, lorries, motorbikes, alarms, horns, and even hum and make noises to myself when I could hear the washing machine going.
He then decided to give me this two hundred odd question checklist thing and I took it home and with some help from my gf and parents I filled it in n sent it back to the psych. When I saw him next he said I had whats called a Sensory Processing Disorder!
He explained what it was and how I fitted it, and now I can look back and see why I was the way I was with certain things, food, drinks, clothing, socks, underwear, shoes, my sheets and blankets at home, coats, lots and lots of things that I used to get angry and upset about.
Some of the things I used to write down weren't sorted by this one pysch though. I shout things out, jump, jerk, twitch, have what people call 'odd;' habbits and stuff. My parents spoke to the GP about me when I was younger saying they think I have that TS thing, but the GP apparently said 'I doubt it, it's very rare'!
Although I didn't know this until more recently, this led to lots of unhappiness at home. I would be told to keep still, told to shut up all the time, told to stop eating how I was eating, told to stop moaning about being hot and sweaty all the time, tole to stop touching things with both hands a certain number of times all the time. Told to stop being scared at night and begging my Sister to let me sleep on her bedroom floor so I wouldn't be so petrified inacse I died in the night and the list goes on.
So last year I was referred to a neuro-psych who deals with TS and related things. He told me I did have mild to moderate TS and that he would refer me to have an assessment for Aspergers and also have a thing to wear in bed for when I sleep to assess my activity in bed at night because I do not sleep very well at all and it has taken it's toll for the past thirty one years.
So, that one question, 'what are you here for?' from that first psych who I still see has opened up many, many things. I've also been under two other psychiatrists for gender issues and in 2006 decided it was time I let the world (well those family in my world) know I was a transsexual and changed my name to a male name and eventually went to the Gender Clinic in London and saw psychs there who deemed me comepletely sane and as a transsexual, or transman.
Since then I've been having testosterone injections, first every four, then three weeks and now every twelve weeks on a different kind of 'T' (testosterone). After a huge battle with the Promary Care Trust in my area, in Jan and May a couple of years ago I had a hyterectomy and then bi-lateral mastectomy to get rid of my huge, awful chesticles once and for all as I couldn't hide them at all but had a hairy face due to the hormones.
My features changed, my fat moved around to my belly more and my muscles have changed, my legs being the most noticable in that dept. I have hair everywhere, yup, everywhere lol, and well, I am hoping t have my lower ops as soon as I get well enough to lose weight. The hormones have made me ill at times, they have changed my moods, my sex drive, my smell and even the way my urine smelt!
It has been one long hard battle, my life so far has. I've been abused, assaulted sexually, physically, verbally and mentally. Not just because of being trans but because of all my differences such as TS, ADHD, SPD etc but I am still here fighting and fight and trying to live a decent and normal life, but sometimes normal is just too boring, so while I get lots of problems regarding how I get treated by others, there are some good, different things I've seen and done so far, done because I AM ME