I have found the knowledge and support from this site invaluable since my diagnosis in May 2015 with under-active thyroid. And wanted to now return to give hope to anyone suffering as I was. I think often, this is used as a lifeline resource and when people return to full health they quite rightly disappear to live their lives. But for those still struggling it is hard to keep hope if there are no success stories. So I wanted to return to inspire those still struggling.
It has been a long journey for me to get well but I have now been 98% well for 4 months. I wanted to post some of the diary ramblings I wrote earlier in the year - to show how lost and unwell I was. And that now my life has returned to normal. It is possible. It just takes a long journey to get the correct medication - to get that swinging pendulum to the correct place.
Diary entry from 29th March 2016:
"It is like I have been muted. My personality, ambition, energy and joie de vivre have been turned down. Like I am an empty shell. Like the dementors have sucked my soul out of me.
It feels like I am so alone. So empty, void of everything. I fill my face with constant stimuli in an attempt to feel better but it makes no difference. I feel so lost. I am in the same place I was a year ago. 1 year on and nothing has changed. I feel like I want to punish myself. I feel filled with hatred and evil. I have nothing to feel unhappy about in fact I have everything to be happy about. But I'm not. I feel numb and lifeless and scared. What if this is my life? I don't want to live like this. I feel mental. I feel completely mental.
When I feel ok it's like I can't imagine how bad it was. Like I was weak or couldn't pull myself together. That I was making up how bad it was, being over dramatic. But when I'm in it, nothing is possible. An endless numb disconnection. Like fuzzing through a haze watching time pass with no meaning - forever. It feels like you might never escape it. Time is slow and fast. Minutes go on forever then a whole day has passed in an instant which I filled with nothing except waiting for time to pass in the hope I'll feel better. In moments where I feel lighter I also feel weird like some sort of bipolar mania where I feel anything is possible from healing to telepathy to God knows what crazy sci-fi but it seems possible. Like I am connected to every atom. Like I can feel the medication regenerating the motors of my cells. This is also disconcerting. But then gets replaced with something else. Dog tiredness like not being able to lift ones head or be able to sit up or get out the bath. Like being unplugged from the mind and the body. Unable to rouse the desire to do anything or the physical energy to do it. It feels like lethargy or laziness but it is actually total inability. So isolating. So lonely. And frightening. What if this is what my life will become? What if the thyroid attack varies so that the medication amount needed is always fluctuating and unpredictable? So that the majority of the time I feel unwell and it is only infrequently that I get windows of sanity????
Then after that posting and with hitting the right medication level, I gradually returned to being me. I got married 8 weeks ago and had the best day of my life and felt well and happy and have felt stabilised physically and mentally for about 4 months. All symptoms are controlled the majority of the time and I can exercise and live life to the full. If you feel as I did, do persevere - you will come out the other side of this.