My daughter had her 12 week pregnancy scan today and was told the baby had no heart beat. I have turned into a complete wreck since and feel so weepy and then angry.
I am trying to stay calm to support my daughter who is accepting that these things happen as i know they do.
What makes things worse is that her partner is a waste of space in my eyes, totally selfish and shows no concern or emotion for others including my daughter.
I know you have to let your children make their own choices but its still hurtful when someone close to you is not treated properly.
My daughter so deserves to be with someone who is compationate and caring and who will support her, during this time especially.
Thanks for listening
Written by
yorkshiregirl44
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Oh, Yorkshiregirl, I am so sorry for you and your daughter. It is heartbreaking for you both. A good job she has a good, caring Mother and you can support one another.
Some men, unfortunately can be quite unsupportive and detached from what is going on around them yet others are the opposite.
We have to bite our tongues at times and, as you say, we want our sons/daughters to have caring, considerate partners but it's not always the case and when/if comments are made which are hurtful we are also hurt as well.
I know from personal experience in this situation that everyone reacts differently and men can be a lot more covert about their emotions when such a loss occurs. A lot of the time they try to search for practical solutions and 'stay strong'. However, it doesn't always mean that they don't feel the loss. I hope this may apply to your daughter's partner.
Thats a nice thought.....its not just how is today with my daughter , but in general. Hes very controlling, dossent like her friends and when she does see them hes ringing her sreaming down the phone. During the world cup my daughter came to watch a match with me and rang her to say the bed needed making..anythng to prevent her from her family and friends.
Whats ironic is that i worked for many years in domestic violence and these are clasic signs or control and abuse. And like most victims the signs are clear to see but the excuses remain.
Oh dear I recognise the signs of a rescuer here, I sympathise as we have these problems in our family, the females rescue which ultimately attract dysfunctional males, usually with some form of addictive behaviour. It is no coincidence you have worked in domestic violence. It has been noted how many in the nursing profession have dysfunctional partners. I am in the middle of counselling at the moment to get a firmer grip on my identity having had it bashed to pieces by unhealthy others. My advice is to get your daughter into counselling as quickly as you can, it is amazing what outside support can do for your esteem. I am truly sorry she has lost her baby, for her to let go of her partner at this present time will be very difficult for her, I can feel the enormous pain around you all. Your anger is very understandable, I have and still do feel the pain of my children, part of my counselling involves letting my children feel their pain as it is the only way they will hopefully learn their lessons. My son is in a very bad space at the moment and I am having to let him struggle, if I rescue him as I have done in the past he wont feel the consequences of his own actions and is likely to keep making the same mistakes. So hard being a mum, comfort your daughter, but the horrible truth is we all have to learn our lessons, I do hope this is her rock bottom and the only way is up. My sincere best wishes to you both. x
Everything you say is so so true..my daughter does try to make everything right for others and she is so lOyal towards him,wont hear a bad word said against him.
He does drink quite alot at weekends and i have heard that there may be other substances.
Like you say i have to let her make her own mistakes...Iv made plenty and would i listen NO.
Nature is taking its cause with the MC and my daughter is in good spirits at the moment.
Thank you for all your support and im sure your future experences will be so much better for you..how can they not be.....put all that knowledge and wisdom into yourself xx
We do not listen as we are trying to get our needs met but unfortunately we are looking in the wrong direction, this is a common pattern that can go on for generations, the key is how do we break these patterns. I have found the practice of Mindfulness a huge help as it helps you to make a better connection with yourself instead of ignoring or not acknowledging your own feelings. After all Mother nature is very clever, we have all the ingredients to look after ourselves but we can lose ourselves in another. As said before the right Counsellor can also help a person to find their true self instead of the false self that serves others. Thank you for your own kind words, it is good to support each other. x
((((((((((yorkshiregirl))))))))) It sounds trite to say that some things are meant to be. Maybe in a strange way this will help her move on and find a good, caring man to start a family with.
Hi Yorkie - I remember this twice - carefree after 3 kids going for a scan myself to be told this but going with my daughter too was much much harder, for her and me just to observe.
Can I say it was meant to be? I'm not saying there's some divine power at work here.. just this is life ...
I'm very sad for your daughter and yourself and do understand your frustration and anger - still I hope something good will come out of it.. I think perhaps it will... you will be closer for a start ....
(((hugs))) Jane x
personally, after a few years of 'observing' I would now tell him he's a ***** and save your daughter the trouble - but then they'd be best mates.... x
It is so much harder i agree. It almost feels like as mum we have failed some how because we could not prevent it. I know thats not logcal but you feel it anyway.
(tons better now dealing with this, than when I experienced it, or even my daughter 5? years ago) it IS bereavement and coping with loss... sorry I may be too far ahead...
right, your daughter's choice as it should be ....
on a different (& hopeful) note, I'm wary of saying but - my DIL has announced her pregnancy after 5 miscarriages... I am SO scared for her - OK daily hormone injections in stomach, feeling/being very very sick all day (was alerted as my son couldn't believe anyone could be that sick? I suggested ginger biscuits, lame...) - still she had a scan and all is well (I so hope so - what can I do?) ...
I dare to say as it may bring hope for you & your daughter at this horrible time, miracles can happen - my son is so broody I could slap him! - yet he has been here before and is a bit 'woody' is that the word? by 'apparently' not caring & expecting the worse - well, it seems to me... I'll slap him anyway....
I am having a little battle with my son at present, 6ft 2" don't scare me!
I was worried I'd taken a step too far there, and apologise...
but also wanted you to know why I'm so passionate about this.
My DIL was not investigated until #5, despite my 'suggestions' for tests (but as she was previously labelled as anorexic, anaemic & allsorts, nothing happened - nothing would happen...) and as far as I know EDS & double-jointedness can be seen as being awkward yet is really an indicator of more underlying issues, NOT self-inflicted - so it's complicated...
I just hope everything will turn out OK for your daughter and you...
it is so upsetting to know you can't do anything.. J x
the nausea is a good sign. Morning sickness (I had it all day every time) is because her body is reacting to the pregnancy hormones. More hormones is good. It's if she suddenly stops feeling sick before 12-14 weeks you want to worry.
Sometimes, if friends and family seem opposed to a partner it can have the opposite effect and make the couple more entrenched.
I would suggest, if it is possible, giving her a clear and easy exit - (living with you?) - so that she knows she has somewhere much more loving to go to. I hope this is helpful.
She knows she can always come back here. I guess shes doing what we all do..we dont listen and believe that this relatonship is special.....its only when you get older you can see things more clearly and think why did i waste so much time.
Yes - my daughter & him (aka 'arsewipe') came back home to live, they had money troubles too - it was very difficult not to erupt I can tell you! Gave her some space to recover & realise for herself .... it took awhile 'tho! (not saying this relates to anyone else's situation). J
I hope one day she does see it for what it is.. in the meantime she does havve support..her friends are coming over at the weekend but to my house not his...i say his because even though she lives there its his house and she knows it.
I hope she knows that. When im afraid or upset need to tell people how im feeling, byt my daughter tends to bottle things up. Shes plannng on gong to work in the mornng but i feel that when she wakes up today wll hit her.
Hmm.. she sounds like I used to be, before I found like -minded folk who know & care "carry on regardless"
(my mum would never discuss this nonsense, get on with it!.. loved her to bits & more) but it resulted in being an emotional wreck... now where did I hear that phrase lately... hmm..
Yorks, I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. My sister's partner whined no one explained to him what bed rest was until I moved her into my home with strict orders that she wasn't to leave the bed or sofa except for loo visits and fridge raids if I wasn't there to fetch for her.
I think you're right to be judicious about what you say to him in case he uses it as an excuse to try and alienate your daughter from you. She'll need her mum right now. xx
I was in the same situation, I went for my scan alone as my husband was the same as your daughter's partner. I found out I had lost the baby and returned home shocked and in emotional turmoil. Its so natural to feel like you do so go with it but I know that it was for a reason, something was not right. But it will give your daughter time for reconsidering her life. I unfortunately stayed with my partner who continued to be uncaring but I did have two wonderful children. He finally left me two years ago after an affair and for the first time my life has become a lot less stressed but I paid for it and found out only yesterday and after a heart attack that I have adrenal fatigue after all those years. Don't push your daughter, she knows only too well but needs to make her own mind up. Good luck, its all so stressful but look after yourself and try to relax, eat well and get enough sleep. She needs you as her husband isn't providing support. Hope you and your daughter feel better soon, its horrible, my thoughts are with you and your daughter at this difficult and sad time. xx
Its so sad that we have to hit rock bottom before we see the light....your story is so sa but also so uplifting...you have found a better life for you and your children and you can hold your head up high and say i did it even if it cost you greatly.
Thank goodness your ex had an affair, if you had stayed the damage could be so much worse.
Bless you. I look at my children and I just think it was all worth it. My miscarriage was meant to be, I wouldn't have my son now. It does make you think when these things happen but trust in the life cycle that there was probably something seriously wrong, mother nature does have trial runs. A lot of my friends have had one, don't worry but it gives your daughter time to think about the future.
Be there for your daughter and keep your lip zipped whatever you may think of him.... sooner or later she will realise what he is and your being at the end of the phone will always be a source of strength to her. Also make sure you look after yourself well, you can't offer such ongoing support if you are ill. xx
I'm so sorry to hear of your bad news but, it might be a blessing in disguise because you're daughter might realise that her partner is not the right one for her and do something about it. The best thing you can do is to be there for her, without judgement, and let her come to you when she is ready.
It certainly does keep challenging us. I've been in similar situation with my daughter and her ex who was a waste of space. My daughter went on to have my first grandchild with this horrid man and he trapped her by getting her pregnant. He stole from her, moved her away from us to make it harder for us (my hubby and I) to help her. She was trapped in an abusive relationship where she was mentally bullied and threatened with physical violence. The turning point came when my mother died in January of this year and my daughter, who was very close to her grandmother, started to realise that she had to get away from her ex but didn't know how to. Her ex was not living with her but was stalking her by this time and I had enough and called the police when her ex turned up unannounced demanding to see his son. He was served with an harrassment warning and told and by the police that she needed to move away for her own safety. I used the last bit of my savings to move my daughter to a house nearer to where we live, it's a ten minute drive away but far enough away for to retain her independence but near enough if she needs us, and things have gradually calmed down. I hope your daughter realises that she's not in a good relationship but just be waiting and offering help if she asks for it.
Yes sparerib i do have a manual in this scatter brain head of mine.My manual goes something like ths....
Chapter 1. Tips from our own childhood expereinces, socal norms, media influences and ideas from readng too many romantic novels.
Chapter 2.Happy ever after
You meet fall in Love, raise your children and enjoy the different stages of your life.
Enjoy having the perfetr Christmas with your family.
Your children bring their partners and you sit around the roaring fire with snow flakes cascading past the window.
The hghlight of the day s sitting together watching a soppy film and remembering the good old days.
Having that blissful warm feeling inside....a united happy family....pure bliss.
Chapter 3 Relaity
Daughter meets partner
Mother turns into a raving leuntic.
Its Christmas day and everything has to be perfect. The house looks and feels just like Christmas in all those glossy novels. The tree lights are twinkling, the logs are on the fire, the cushons have been plumped and the Christmas room spray has gone into overdrive.
The feast is nearly ready and no-one has yet arrived, dont panic they will be here. My eldest son arrives wth his partner and my grandaughter, he announces they wont beable to stay very late because they cant leave George too late on his own. Lucky George i think, hes a pig that lives mostly in the house.(a real pig)
My daughter and her partner arrive. He says whats that smell it stinks in here, thats my Christmas room spray i whisper. The smell is making him sneeze so he opens the window. Now we have a gale coming in. I wonder to myself what has happened to the soft snowflakes.
We are ready to eat all with our very colurful paper crowns. Theres not a spare seat for me, but not to worry iv had a roast potato and anyway im too tired to eat.
And now for the main event...the soppy film. Im so excited telling my grandaughter its about to start. Just like in the novel we are all sat around the fire wating in antiptation. Hes stll sneezing but even that is not annoying, not when the main event is about to happen.
Julie Andrews is running in the hills and the music is getting louder and louder. I look around, i can no longer hear him sneezing, its quiet, iv been deserted. All i can see is my dog enjoying her Christmas boneo. Harry from one directon s smiling at me.(christmas presents for my grandaughter). I sit alone and enjoy the film until the von trapp family make their way over the hills to Switzerland.
What happened to my perfect Chrstmas? well..the xbox won, my daughter had a nap and her partner had calls to make.Perhaps i should have been a nun i think.On wards and upwards i think and open my new anti wrinkle cream that says it REALLY REALLY does work, maybe i can roll back the years.
As you can see my manual needs updating.........Theres a health chapter but its giving me a headache just thinking about it......
No-one wanted to watch the sound of music with me either (but I did see it about 6 times at the pictures with my mum apparently).
Someone asked me what have you got planned? I've learnt never to plan - no disappointments, I just make more veg in case, and they always turn up. I'm waiting for the invite the other way - I'd even wash up.
We just want children to be safe and happy and when thats threatned our primal instints go into attack mode and im sure your mum would feel the same even though she could not be there at that time.
Yorkshiregirl44 I'm so sorry to read what an awful thing has happened to your family. I think you can only support your daughter and offer to always be there for her. Getting cross with her partner in front of her or saying something to him will only add to her stress and pain. If this guy is not good for her only she can make any decisions about their future together.
so sorry to hear your sad news,this may turn out to be a blessing in disguise and your daughter will see her partner as the uncaring person he really is,and she will hopefully see she deserve's better than him,at least she has a lovely caring mum,who has her best interests at heart,best wishes to you both xx
Yorkshire girl you have my sympathy and my very best wishes for you and your daughter. I lost my first baby at 16 weeks and my husband wasn't there for me either. He used to drink a lot and was very violent. It took me 11 months to get up the courage to leave, unfortunately I was then pregnant again although I didn't find out for almost three months. My mum and dad were wonderful. I was ill throughout most of the pregnancy, got pre-eclampsia, and my son was born with Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus. (He is 45 tomorrow and lives on his own since he was 18, apart from a few years when he was ill and needed a nursing home). Things turn round though. I have a daughter and a younger son and have had a very interesting life since those days. I am now retired, I see my elder son and my daughter often and my daughters three children. I see my youngest son 3 or 4 times a year and his twins. (They live in England about 400 miles away).
Things will get better because you are there for your daughter.
Thats so encouraging , you managed to turn things around despite some challenges along the way. I beleive its all these experinces that shape us and develop our character.
I hope things work out well for my daughter but at the moment shes still in the throws of romantic love. I didnt mean that to sound as if im bitter, im so not and have been there myself so i know how those strong feeling can grip you.
Thank you for sharing some of your expereinces with me.
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