what i have been feeling lately

One of my biggest fears, if not the biggest one, is that I will never get the balls to kill myself. That I will grow old as a lonely, bitter, sad woman who has nothing to look back on from the days of her youth. Nothing but loneliness, frustration, depression, isolation and anxiety.

That what I should have done and never did could have fixed everything. Instead the only thing I did was make mistakes. the only thought that crossed my mind all my life was that I should have been brave enough to understand, that the air I breathed was wasted and it should have been breathed by someone that saw the point on living.

i have been struggling with man things, first my mother 6 months ago sufferd from 2 strokes and now is a vegetable. then i think i may be pregnant and i kno that if a im i will be having an abortion. i cant deal any more i have the endles suport of my boyfriend but i simply feel i cant i am tierd...

19 Replies

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  • I'm truly sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. You're going through an awful lot with your mum and a possible pregnancy. Please don't think you will feel like this forever.

    I don't know if I have anything profound to say - I wish I did - but I have been depressed, very depressed for a very long time, on different kinds of meds over the years, etc and I'm not depressed now. It was hard but nothing lasts forever. I'm ever so glad I gave it time, and I hope you do to.

    You have all my sympathy and empathy, and the very warmest wishes that you get through the worst of this and feel great relief when it is behind you and you're still here. xx

  • yes i have suffered a lot with depression and had the support of many friends and family over the years. thank you lots for your support i truly appreciate it

  • Simply, you have a supportive boyf, so no reason to turn into an embittered, lonely woman.

    Get a pregnancy test done to confirm or rule out one concern. Then get a dr. appointment for thyroid function, short term antidepressants and hopefully counselling. You sound at the end of your tether.

  • Sweetie, you need to see your GP now. They may not offer enough, but that is the first step.

    I have felt suicidal myself. You have taken the first step by reaching out here. And truly, you have huge worth as a human being. I'm new to this forum, but PM me if you like.

    Hugs and love, Lara x x

  • I am sorry to hear about your situation. I suffered from depression for a long time when my mother was ill, and I lost my step-brother to suicide less than 2 weeks ago, so your post really called out to me - I know that probably sounds a little weird!

    Times can be tough, and crappy, but there are more people than you can even think of that love you and so many who's lives you will have touched - without even knowing it.

    Talk to someone about how you're feeling. Take time out to look after yourself. See a therapist if it helps (I never wanted to, but it really can help so much)...

    Don't give up! You sound like you have a supportive boyfriend, so let him help you get through it all.

  • Simply -- I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I think the other posters have said things much better than I could. I just wanted to suggest, do phone the Samaritans at any time on 08457 90 90 90 (or email, or visit your local branch). samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

    We're all rooting for you xx

  • Simply

    Depression is a horrible illness, and it is an illness. Like Lara said, talk to your GP, that's the first step to recovery. I know someone whose daughter had severe depression, suicidal thoughts and was self harming. She took her to the GP and she was put on medication. That was 10 years ago and she went to Uni, got a degree and is now very happy. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you won't always feel like this. We are all here for you, so don't feel you're alone.

    Sending you a gentle hug.

    Jules x

  • my favourite saying is "this too shall pass". there is nothing at all in life that does not end. you are feeling depressed and hopeless, afraid and don't know how to cope, but if you do suicide then it won't be courageous. it will be very sad because you will leave people devastated behind you.

    if you seek medical help, you may find that a lot of what you are feeling is a hormonal or chemical imbalance in your system and quite easily fixable. you also have some very hard things happening, but I am a single mother and I can tell you that although it was a frightening thing to face, it has also been very rewarding.

    I have been suicidal at one time. I woke up that way one day, trying to work out how to kill my youngest son painlessly so that I could suicide. he was a baby at the time and his father was not on the scene. it was a very painful time for me. I lay there considering various ways to kill the baby, not wanting to leave him motherless, then suddenly remembered I had 2 older children. shows how little my brain was working, that it took me about 15 minutes to remember my 2 older sons. I realized I was not thinking straight and sought help and am very glad I did.

    the situation slowly resolved itself to where I was able to cope fine. I am still not married, but life became sweet again.

    the thing is that everything changes. everything ends. the good and the bad. but if you seek the help you need then life can be sweet.

    your courage in sharing your desire to die shows that deep down you want to live. really have guts, face the pain, seek medical help and any other sort of help you can get and live. that is what takes guts. and if you are pregnant, well the baby could be a truly wonderful thing. you have choices. but suicide is not "having balls" it is giving up.

  • Is it possible you can see Dr Peatfield? You will need to pay to see him but he may be able to set you on a more positive path.

  • This post has made me cry. Simple please see a doctor ASAP. I cannot express myself but please keep your chin up. Xxx

  • Me too GeorgieB!

    Bless your heart Simply. I know exactly how you feel, but, like all the above posts say, it will pass and you will start to feel better. You need time, and you need to see your G.P as soon as possible.

    So sorry about your Mum. What has happened, I think, is worse than death both for you and her! You're having to grieve for your lovely Mum, yet she is still here.

    You are ill Simply. Lean on your supportive boyfriend and see your Doctor a.s.a.p. Life can be so cruel, but it can get better.

    Sending you virtual hugs hon. Xxx

  • Please go to the doctor or counsellor straight away. There are people out there that can help you! I am coming from both sides. Thyroid problems make me feel depressed, but my husband committed suicide a few years ago and has left devastation behind. I was so depressed afterwards that I contemplated the same, but then I thought I would be leaving the same devastation behind me and hurting more people and it would be a waste of two lives. You say you have a supportive boyfriend embrace that, because some people have nobody. Counselling helped mew immensely. Take that step and you can get your life back on track

  • Simply, I'm so sorry to hear you are in such a bad place and nothing we can say is going to make you feel better but sometimes it's just nice to be heard. Like everyone else has said try and call your GP as soon as you can. I can only empathise with your situation. A few years back we had a rough time in our family where everything went wrong and there seemed to be no light guiding us but I can promise you you will find it. The very fact that you have written this and are reaching out fills me with hope.

    It's hard to be strong all the time, it's so exhausting. Be exhausted, let it wash over you. You will find that strength again. Thoughts with you xx

  • Its a while since you wrote your message and I hope you have managed to contact your GP or Samaritans or just someone you can talk to and lean on.

    You are about as low as you could be and you need someone to help you, don't shut your lovely boyfriend out and please don't do anything awful to yourself, the people who love you would be absolutely heartbroken and as ShakirasMum says ' this too will pass'.

    Life is a bit too much for you at the moment with your poor mum but it won't stay like that forever - honest - you sound like you need to see your GP tell him how absolutely awful you are feeling, then have a really good sleep and loads of rest and be looked after by that lovely boyfriend and if it turns out you are pregnant then don't make any hasty decisions about that while you are feeling so down.

    I hope by the time you read this someone is helping you get better.

  • thank you lost really i did i went to my gp and i im not pregnant turns out i have this thing called polichistic ovaries (sorry dont know how to spell it) but yeah, i was simply realy worried and depressed at the time i wrote this.

    i truly thank all the people that posted support.

    thank you!

  • Omg hurrah for not being pregnant when you don't want to be! I'm so glad for you. One less thing to worry about. :-) x

  • Poor you - it all keeps coming at you, doesn't it? First thing is to say - everyone makes mistakes; all the time. It's what makes us into interesting people. You will look back on this period as containing experiences that define who you are and what you are capable of - because you WILL have coped. You will use these experiences to enrich your life (yes, honestly) and to help others.

    First of all (as others have said), get yourself to the doctor, stat.

    It all keeps coming over you in waves, I think? You could try writing about at least some of the conundrums and overwhelming pressures you're under. Sometimes getting things 'out there' (external to you, on paper/computer) can be really helpful. Even if you never read the words again. Then when you feel a bit stronger you might feel like having a ceremonial burning of what you wrote, as a kind of closure.

    ((Hugs))

  • actually i write a lot and this post is just one of the many i have in my computer. simply decided to post this one somewhere my thoughts where a mess and wanted to vent. i truly thank you and all of the people that wanted to help. i am much better than i was yesterday.

    i am not pregnant i went to the doctos office yesterday so thats a relief. bust really thanks again for all the suport!!!

    i guess one of this days i will print everything and burn it all!!

    hugss!!!

  • SO glad to hear you are feeling more cheerful tonight. Hopefully your doctor can sort things out for you.

    It is supposed to be really helpful to write things down like that when you are feeling miserable then burn or just destroy the papers.

    Just watch where you decide to have your bonfire - friend of ours managed to set fire to his neighbour's fence and shed doing something with his barbeque - you definitely don't want to do that. Take care of yourself and that lovely boyfriend of yours :-)

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