I have been reflecting a lot on the last year and living through it with IBS-D. I also have a muscle weakness from childhood, which makes it worse.
When I was told we would be working from home last year, I could have jumped for joy. No more commuting, no more early morning enemas, no more changing myself in cramped office toilets or running the gauntlet of the disabled toilet police!
But I soon hit a problem. Our company imposed rules early on for meetings: cameras have to be on and unless it is with a client there has to be comfort breaks. First team meeting, the break was promised but they went on and on. When we finally broke, I ran for the bathroom but messed myself on the stairs. I had ordinary underwear on (not clever), so while everyone else had a break and made tea, I was hosing myself down in the shower and trying to put on a nappy in a hurry with shaking hands! And when the meeting was over I had the stinky mess I had left on the bathroom floor not deal with. I felt so angry and disrespected that I cried.
Roll on six months and I sat in the same monthly team meeting with a nappy on under the desk. When I felt the need, I just got off the seat slightly and did a huge smelly one. In my head I thought 'this is for you boss man'! I had difficulty not laughing. I sat in my mess until the meeting was over. When we had a break, I made tea and put up with the full nappy. I wasn't going to be robbed of my break. Afterwards, rather than feel angry or cry, I felt so proud of myself!
It is funny how we react to similar events differently at different times. Like the garden is a mess. I didn't put it to bed properly for winter as I got very frustrated that I had to keep stopping to go to the toilet, so I left it. But this weekend I had jobs to do and did them regardless. I must have looked like an overgrown toddler washing down the greenhouse in jumper, wellies and a nappy. As that part of the garden isn't overlooked I didn't bother hiding it. And perhaps because I was relaxed I only had an accident when I was clearing up, so I was pretty phlegmatic about cleaning myself up as the last part of the job.
My IBS is pretty bad right now. I have been wondering whether I have lost more bowel control because I have not had the pressure not to mess myself so much. I am pretty anxious about going back to work. Fortunately my boss has agreed that this can be after I have had my second jab (oh the temptation to move that appointment!). I have had some real ups and downs this year. I don't know what the next year will bring but I think I am going to try to be more phlegmatic about it and less upset. Not going to be easy. But it often seems to be a laugh or cry situation.
What about you?
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