Im not sure the help im getting is helping

[Clo2000]

I have been in hospital for 4 weeks now and i feel like even though i am gaining weight, i have picked up so many habits and i am struggling even more than i would at home.

It got much worse after i met up with an ex from about 5 years ago and he asked me about my dating history. Even as i recalled everything, i was shocked to how much they effected me and i didnt even realise it at the time. I had one boy friend in feb and he didnt really care, he was a bit too laid back, he also scared me a little, he had mild bipolar and he could turn really weird and agressive sometimes but others he could be really sweet. Whilst i was with him i lost over 2 stone in the space of 3 months and he never noticed!! I ended up telling him i had "an issue with eating" and no questions were asked, it was like he wasnt bothered. His friends were horrific, the used to threaten to drug and rape me if i were to break up with him and they would beat me if i told anyone. My second botfriend had a few different personalities, which was scary. He didnt really think about my feelings and he used to tell me he wasnt eating or drinking just to make me feel bad, he also used to threaten to kill hin self at little things like working a 9 hour shift or having stomach ach, it was a bit too much to handle. Something i will never forget is that he told me i was fat even though i was only 5 and a half stone with a bmi of 15.2.

At the miniute takes me about 1 hour to eat a normal sized portion and i have to cut it up into tiny peices and count every time i chew, i must reach a goal number of chews before i allow myself to swallow. Its getting much harder to finish meals and get up to a healthy calorie intake, on a number of occations they have threatened me with a feeding tube and i have come very close to having one, they could take me at any moment and insert one without my permission, this would also mean i would be sectioned under the mental health act, its very scary and sometimes i get horrible thoughts of wanting to die, the voice in my head gets louder and louder. At the minuite i am on meal supliments. i am also obbsessivly washing my hands, they have become extremely sore. I have to rub my hand with soap 10 times, i then have to go through each individual finger and count every finger, i then have to rub them another 10 times with the soap, and finaly i have to rub them 10 times under the water. I cant physically walk away without completing this proccedure, it will be on my mind all day and i will feel like my whole life has no structure and i cant controle anything. I get very frustrated with myself whether i do it or not, i could kick myself for doing it but i cant walk away.

I have also started to self harm, on my stomach. Its very in the moment when i do it and its like i step out of my body and watch myself do it from the side, i feel very helpless and out of control, i hate myself for doing such a thing and i know my family would be mortified but its like i let some of my worries out by doing it but i know im just punishing myself for being so weak.

Non of the nurse here know any of this and i am afraid to tell anyone as i dont want to be in here for any longet than i have to, iv had no therapy for over a month now and i havent told anyone what im doing or thinking, i just really need to get it out some how.

Thank you for taking your time to read this, its been very helpful xx

[crazycrossstitcher]

I can hear your pain in your writing - and hospital is a huge step - but it is the start of a new life and a chance of recovery - however dark it seems at the moment. Its such a shame you feel unable to talk to anyone there about your thoughts and feelings - do you get any counselling alongside the re-feeding? I think that perhaps you need to tell someone about how you are feeling if you are truly going to benefit long term from hospital - it might even shorten your stay - and its important to get these feelings sorted out so that you can move forward - so don't suffer in silence - do take the courage to talk to someone - ABC have a helpful website - and a confidential help line - so you could ring this - but do please talk to someone.

[Clo2000 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

Thank you for replying. Im not having any sort of councilling at the miniute so i havnt really been given the chance to say anything yet. Its the unknown that worries me the most, i dont know what would happen if i told someone, self harm and ocd are completly different mental health disorders and i would probably need a completly different support route which would be very distressing as iv only just gotten used to the one i have now.

I will definatly try the help lines though, they sound helpful and less intimidating ovet the phone.

I wish this was a quick fix for everyone but i know its not and i just need to be pacient anf maybe accept a bit more help. Xxx

[joanna21 in reply to Clo2000]

Hi Clo I think the self-harm & ED are are all linked & your support workers at the hospital for the ED won't be at all surprised that you are doing this to yourself. How about you ask one of them to read that first post? It would really help them to know all that. They won't judge or make you talk about it further if you don't want to. You are right there is no quick fix & recovery is a long long process, but you deserve it and every tiny step you take towards it is so worth it. I wish you all the best xxx