Trying to stay positive feeling a failure

[Angelus]

HI all, my situation is taking its toll on me. I had an accident in Nov leaving me with broken/crushed pelvis and hip among other bones, I almost died. I have suffered AN since I was about 12 now 30. I have been in many treatment centres and have managed to keep myself well and on my recovery path (of course I have bad days). Recently my dad has been in and out of hospital with horrendous nose bleeds and yet again today.

My parents have been looking after me since my accident as I needed intense care and continue to. I have managed to try and help out this has included cooking for the three of us. I am trying to put this so it all makes sense but apologies for jumbled writing. Inside I am crying, the man who I look up to who has been so strong and I always went to for support is unable to do his usual daily duties, I can see the saddened look on his face that he has to take the doc's advice of not doing anything.

I feel so selfish to have these feelings, and I know only too well that these feeling are what leads me to not eating and using the devil of AN to cope with such intense sadness. Each time he has been into Hospital the fear he will not return increases. I am iscolated by location and also with the option of talking to someone, it seems all of my close friends have much to do and I do not want to burden them more. I just want a hug, to be told everything will be ok and to feel safety. I feel torn and do not know how to pick myself up and cope. Do I sound stupid and selfish, am I? This makes me want to punish myself and argh.... I am in a negative cycle that I do not want to carry on within, I need to break out does anyone have any suggestions that could help me. thank you for reading this x

[Ludovica]

Hi lovely angelus dont feel selfish You havent done anything wrong just keep strong . I am in a treatment centre at the moment and i am trying to make the most of it. Dont forget what you have learnt there and always remember we havent chosen to be ill but we can do something to fight the monster. A big big hug from me xxx

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to Ludovica]

You are so brave - accepting the treatment centre's help - It's so encouraging to know that you can get better given the right help and support - but also the inner determination and desire to beat the disease. Praying for you - for strength and continued courage to fight your deamons.

[Ludovica in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

I pray for you, get your life back . It is not easy but make the effort to start your battle.start it now right now, dont wait for tomorrow. It is extremely hard but you can make it.life with ED is unbereable please try to see how wonderful could be your life without the monster. I am only at the beginning of my journey and it will be a long journey but i can now see I can have a fantastic life without ED. I have relapses that put me down but I am able to get up stronger than ever to carry on with my battle for an happy life where I will be the only one to decide what to do and not ED. keep strongxx

[Angelus]

Ludovica thank you for taking the time to read my blog and reply, it is very hard. Today my dad has to take to his bed (this is a man who NEVER stays in bed, Ive not seen it to this day even with the worst flu) he is resting and I am helping him. I feel so sad to be writing this, tears creep into my eyes. I am trying to hard to keep strong and not allow myself to fall into the bad behaviours that are pecking at me to follow. I pray my dad recovers soon, thank you again. With love xxxx

[Ludovica in reply to Angelus]

Hi sweet angelus please keep strong please stop crying and concentrate on being next to your dad. Cheer him up talking to him and you will feel much better to see him cheered up. Dont think too much on what he was or what will happen. Enjoy the present with him. I know it is hard but concentrate on today and try to keep AN away. It is something special between you and your lovely dad. Who is An tointerphere between you two.?who is AN ro spoil this time between xyou and your dad.? Show yourself and your dad that AN is only a nasty enemy to send away. You can enjoy your life without An who is isolating you giiving you only sadness and frustation. Do not wait for tomorrow start now ,dont let an to stay in your house open the door and send him away. An will knock back to your door but keep strong and do not open the door. Call family and friends you are close to they will be so happy to support you. Sometimes we think that people who love us have got enough with us. It is not true we keep ourselves so isolated and close that people who love us are just worried to disturb us, to hurt us. This is what we show them. Tey now call aomeone next to you and tell her the truth, your feeling, expectations from them. You won't regret it as your familiy and friends love you and want you to get your life back. Start now dont wait for tomorrow. Lots of love xxx

[crazycrossstitcher]

I know how you feel - I lost my father last year and my mother this year - and had had a couple of years watching the "rocks" in my life no longer able to cope and I had to increasingly become the "adult" and they the "children" - its so hard to watch - and to cope with the sense of losing what feels like the one dependable support in your life. BUT don't let the AN win - the best way to show your obvious love for your Dad is to keep eating and keep strong so that you can be there for him as he now needs you. I do also so hope you can find friends who can give you the support you need - AN is so isolating - keep talking to us all - we're all here for you.

[fadedlizard]

Dear Angelus, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.

Please be gentle with yourself - you are trying to deal with several huge issues all at once: recovery from the effects of severe injuries, the day to day fight with a deeply rooted eating disorder and now the heart rending hopelessness that comes from watching someone you love struggle with major health issues. Try to keep on track and do what you need to do to get through each day as well as you can. Remember you are doing the best you can in extreme circumstances. Do not let the negative thoughts tell you differently.

If it is possible follow crossstitchers advice and surround yourself with people who love you. Their physical presence will make a difference. If not remember you have the virtual presence of those of us here who know that you are struggling and are holding you in our thoughts. You are not alone.x

[Angelus]

It is great comfort to me to know you are all so supportive, thank you all so much for taking time to read and give lovely helpful and supportive replies. I will use the strength you have sent to carry on, over the weekend things got worse, I came down with a sickness bug. Something I always wished for when I was deep in AN how awful is this, it just shows how distorted thoughts become in the illness. Today I am recovering and trying to get back on track and the demons keep at me, I hate AN I hate it so much I am fighting to get it out of my thought space and getting frustrated with myself.

My dad is up from bed, resting on the sofa. He is keeping cheerful and I admire this so much. I will keep writing to you because I feel it is lifting the pressure from me so thank you all again for your wonderful support, it just shows how this site is what it should be but that is only possible with the lovely caring people writing. Love and light to you all xxxx