Anorexia is a blessing in disguise. Some if you will think that's outrageous and to be honest at times had I ever read anyone write such a thing I would have been shocked.
Nearly 9months ago though, I took the plunge... I was set a goal to eat a piece of toast for breakfast and given I'd rarely partaken in breakfast for 30 ish years that was a mountain to climb but the person asking me to do it...well i didn't know then what I do now but a deeply buried tiny voice inside in the pit of my stomach told me to trust her and this was my very last chance.
That was just the beginning and I'm not sure what else I could say that wouldn't blow your brains out because I'm telling you mine are blown to smithereens!!! But it is ok. I'm not in my own. Not anymore.
Anorexia is not what people think it is. Yes it is an eating disorder but not everyone with an eating disorder even the thinnest ones are anorexic. Others who might be considered normal sized or larger may well in actual fact be anorexic. Like I say it's complicated and very far from simple. It is very complex in fact and I'm not completely sure yet still how the journey ends but my inner voice tells me it will be ok and I am learning to trust what I hear with every passing minute. Anorexia is a journey and provided a piece of you, however small or buried it gets, trusts that and in the journey even when that voice inside tells you to not eat...and your weight might plummet... you'll be ok provided you listen out for when it says eat and you eat no matter how little you manage.
Just follow your inner voice. It is your inner child. She needs someone and hopefully she will find what she lost and be complete again. Anorexia isn't all bad but you must be careful. In the depths of it it is soooo hard to eat to hear that voice as starvation is a powerful blocking tool. If instincts say eat - eat that voice and following it are the journey. ..that voice is yours deep down...seek help...professional help. Anorexia requires it. Then you will see. ..hopefully in time...that the pain it can cause will be worth it and she will lead you home... if you let her.
Good luck on your travels and enjoy the ride. It will be the most frightening but amazing, sad but joyous...depressing but exhilarating, crazy but not crazy, bad but full of good, bravest and greatest most terrifying thing you can ever do. And something tells me than when I do make it me and my family will be the happiest and most blessed people in the universe :o) :o) :o) x x x
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njam
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This is the first email that I have read this morning and what a fantastic way to start the day!!!!! You sound a really courageous person and fanflippintastic that you are now in a much better place. Wish there was a fb and twitter button so that I could 'share' your words, maybe (with your permission) I could copy and paste it onto my eating disorders fb page to maybe give others hope? Let me know your thoughts x
Go for your life :o) if it helps someone it will have been worth it :o)
I too have been encouraged by your post here. You are so right in your thoughts about anorexia, it is not a simple illness and it is probably different for all of us.
I think I'm now on the road to eating in a healthy way. There is part of me screaming to follow anorexia but there is a part of me that wants to fly free. I need to gain weight for a medical procedure that I need so there's the motivation. For some reason that motivation is strong at the moment.
My experience of specialist ED help wasn't good - if anything it made anorexia grip me more. However the encouragement of people like you has a much bigger impact to overcome the "risk/fear" of recovery!
Ditto - what an encouragement - after over 40 years with anorexia although I was sounding positive - in my heart I wasn't truly sure that I'd ever recover - so its great to read your story - good luck with your journey to full health and happiness - God bless you for sharing.
It is definitely possible. I am certain I have lots of insights. I suffer terribly with memory. Nit that I think I'm senile I think I lived too long blocking things out. I think it happens automatically it's only when I sometimes wonder what I said or thought I struggle to recall stuff. Huge chunks of my life seem lost but I am getting better. I try to write a diary everyday or write bits here and there going thru my day helps me remember.
I think the anorexic bit was me. ..a genuine me somehow. It was exciting lising weight and feeling in control, other times it felt terribly lonely. ..she was all I had and it sometimes left me laid in bed fearing but hoping too at the same time that I wouldn't wake in the morning. It never scared me though. ..I just went with it. ..it was my life. ..it was meant to be somehow and I had faith in it's journey. I could never fathom it but I think I am starting to understand.
Understanding and explaining it though. ..that is hard...
I believe specialist help can be beneficial. I certainly received some good advice. And certainly help around food shopping or preparation I feel can be helpful but you need to be in the right place to accept it. Doing it when your inner voice is on the don't eat /lose weight faze it is a waste if time. I only wish I'd have heeded that help and support at the time.
However the help I've had has been much gentler in approach and actually suited me much better. Small changes and slow was less scary and made it more achievable. I have ideas about why this has helped and why the person helping me is succeeding where other support failed before. I have read that this only truly occurs in one in every 40million so weeding us out is hard especially when you're a master of disguise. I totally get that now. I hope those not genuinely affected find recovery if sorts. I think eating disorders can be managed and are hard to recover from but I think that real recovery from anorexia IS possible and I intend to make it. I'm afraid but I'm not afraid. It's not ok but it will be ok. It's a miracle I ever lived at all. It's a miracle I'm still here and if it wasn't for someone amazing I wouldn't be here today and to them and my faith, me and my children (though they're not really able to understand it yet) we are forever grateful and blessed :o) x x x
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